Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
12 min read
Six practical pieces of dating advice.
In this episode, Aleeza helps Cindy decode past baggage that may be impacting her advancement in the dating world. We learn more about Noah and his romantic history. Harmonie opens herself up to new dating options. Ori meets a great potential partner. Dani feels sparks with Shaun but continues to text with David. Finally, we meet Fay who reached out to Aleeza to guide her in her dating journey.
This episode picks up right where it left off with Cindy waiting at the coffee shop for David. She’s visibly upset that he is late. David explains that an old man lost his wallet and he spent the time going to the police station to report it.
Cindy doesn’t buy his story and finds it a bit “cringy.” His lateness seems to trigger the fact that she has been disappointed quite a bit in the past.
Nevertheless, she moves forward with the date and tries to be as pleasant as possible. They make small talk and Cindy decides to push a strong question, like she did on their first date. She seems to enjoy potentially scaring off her dates. She asks him, “How many kids do you want?”
He answers that he only wants two children because he does not want to live in poverty.
Cindy has a different vision for her future; she wants four children, and would like to adopt in her later years.
David has no interest in adopting or caring for any children other than his own. “I do not want to marry someone who is divorced with kids, and I do not need a tribe.”
Cindy responds with confidence, “I definitely need a Cindy tribe, and I am not sorry about it.”
Cindy sees the clash in their values, while David does not seem fazed by these differences. David tells Cindy that her necklace looks like a police barricade. Cindy explains that the design of the necklace is a warning: do not get too close!
Cindy laments that she and her ex had the same values. “David’s values and mine do not align. There is no point in wasting time. Move on. No hard feelings.”
Cindy meets with Aleeza for a “Dating Detox” to figure out what happened in her past and to make sure she is really ready to start going out again.
Aleeza explains that dating is like luggage. All of the negative dating experiences, fears, and emotions related to rejection are inside us and no one can see them, similar to items in a luggage. Aleeza wants to draw out the heavy experiences and put it all on paper to evaluate it together and to lighten that luggage.
Aleeza states that there is so much inside that you cannot see. “I love to have things written down so you can see it all. Then you can decide what you want to do with it. It will either open a door or close a door.”
Cindy opens up, “We stayed together for a while, but the end game—meaning engagement—was not there.”
Cindy never received total clarity as to why they did not tie the knot. He decided it was over, even though she was on the marriage train. She had even bought her engagement dress in anticipation. Cindy realized she never really processed that, and does in fact compare most men to her ex, which is not ideal.
Aleeza explains that 35% of people who break up will get back together. If we do not evaluate that relationship and they are meant to be, they will go out again, but it will be five years later. Why not figure this out sooner, rather than later?
Cindy realizes, “I am hoping for acceptance and clarity to remind myself this is not a race. Life is beautiful, and every day is a gift. It’s always the year of the Cindy. It’s my year. That’s it, it’s time.”
Noah goes snowboarding with his friend, Sarah. He expresses excitement about his potential date, Eliana. He thinks she is beautiful, loves her smile, and thinks she has nice eyes.
He is apprehensive about her reaction when he tells Eliana about his previous marriage and that he has a son.
Noah and his ex-wife lived in Israel as newlyweds. His ex-wife got pregnant right away, which added an extra layer of complexity to the relationship. He was only 21 when he married and had never cared for a baby. The beginning of his marriage was very difficult. And Noah has flashbacks of waking up in the middle of the night, only to overhear his ex-wife planning their divorce on the phone with her family.
Noah left Israel and moved back to America. His son is now 12 years old. They love each other tremendously, even though they are physically apart. Noah explains, “Just because we are distant physically does not mean we do not care about each other.”
The last episode ended with Aleeza asking the waiter if he knew anyone for Harmonie.
The first scene in this episode with Harmonie opens with the waiter responding that he does in fact know someone. His name is Ben, he is Jewish, in his 40s and lives in Del Ray. Ben is an attorney from Ohio and is actually the Vice Mayor of Del Ray, Florida. He is into Crossfit and is a much better-looking guy in Harmonie’s eyes than her first date.
They go out, but Harmonie is still not fully pleased. “I need the umph. I know she said it can grow, but I do not feel like it is there.”
Aleeza and Harmonie know she needs an outside appearance that works for her.
Ben is similar to Aaron internally. He is stable and grounded, but Harmonie is pleased with his look. She likes his features and loves the fact that he’s tall.
They go on a date to make floral arrangements. Harmonie notices that making a floral arrangement is like dating. You have to put the big flowers in first, much like dating requires discussing some of the big items upfront to see if you’re compatible. “Floral arrangements move from big to small—like dating. You have to get the big stuff out of the way.”
They decide that each time they put a flower in they will share something about their life. Harmonie discovers that the longest relationship Ben has been in was two years, and that it ended organically during the Covid-19 pandemic. He also admits he was a workaholic, but always had in the back of his mind what he wanted his future family to be like.
Ben thinks Harmonie is beautiful, bubbly, and happy. “She seems like the kind of person who can have fun doing anything.”
Harmonie is not sure if the spark is there with Ben. She elaborates, “He’s not the bad boy, he’s the good guy. I need to be open to the maybe…”
Ori meets Karin and is smitten by her blue eyes and intelligence. He loves that she speaks Hebrew and English. He thinks she is beautiful, and that it’s a wonderful match.
They go out to a café. She is the youngest of five and lives very close to all of her family members. Her parents and brothers work together. She is an attorney.
Ori wants three kids and she wants six. Like Ori, she is also ready to get married and start her life.
She asks him, “How Jewish would you say you are?”
He answers, “I eat bacon.”
She is disappointed, and is not shy about her feelings on the topic. “My kids are not eating bacon,” she says.
“Okay, I’ll eat it alone,” is his response.
Nevertheless, Karin feels the chemistry and loves the bantering.
Ori tells Aleeza she did an incredible job, and that the hard wait for all those years was well worth it.
Dani has been in Los Angeles for three weeks and has been going out with Shaun. Their lives are very similar, and she loves that he is South African because her parents would approve of him. They both value a balanced life.
She only sees herself living in Miami, but he is not sure he envisions a life there. He thinks Miami is a party city, and he does not like to stay out late. He is an early bird, and gets up at six each morning.
Shaun says, “Dani is so easy to hang out with. The distance is a bit of a challenge, but I am trying to enjoy the time we have together.”
Dani expresses, “Shaun checks off everything I want in a man. He is the male version of me! But, maybe I do not want to date myself. David has been messaging me. So, we will see…”
This is the first episode that we meet Fay. She is 28 and shares some valuable marriage advice she once heard years ago.
“You are ready to get married when you say yes to the following question: Would you marry yourself?”
Today, Fay feels she can honestly answer yes. “I would love to marry myself.”
Fay started a company called OK Clarity. It is a mental health and wellness platform in Flatbush, New York, which has a large Jewish Orthodox community. Fay combined her love of helping others with her entrepreneurial spirit to create this business.
Aleeza is not the only matchmaker Fay has worked with. This is the only way she dates. She has a dating profile that she has been using for years. Fay feels the pressure to get married, and although it is hard for everyone, she thinks that the pressure is worse for women.
In Fay’s younger years, her mother would be the direct contact with the matchmaker, but now, Fay has started to have a voice in the meeting. Aleeza feels very comfortable working with her because she too is Orthodox and has a connection to that world.
Aleeza asks Fay’s mother what she wants for her daughter.
“I want her face to light up when he walks into the room, and vice versa.”
Fay is unique because she is active on Instagram, which is not typical for her community’s religious standards. She is dressed modestly on social media and has certain strong religious values that she does not compromise.
Fun Facts about Fay:
Fay’s Criteria:
Aleeza reminds the viewer that Orthodox Jews are Shomer Negiah – they old back from touching until they are married.
She explains that anyone can try this out, even for just five dates. She stresses its’ value for anyone who is dating and encourages, “Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.”
She expresses its power with her own story. “I myself grew up more secular, and became more religious when I dated my husband. The first time we touched was under the chuppah. He broke the glass and he reached over to hold my hand, and I just melted. It was better than a first kiss or anything I ever had before. I melted.”
Fay is ready to find her soulmate as soon as possible.
1. Dating baggage. Aleeza explains that dating is like luggage. All the negative dating experiences, fears, and emotions triggered by rejection are inside us. No one can see it, like items in luggage. Aleeza wants to examine past experiences, putting it all on paper to evaluate together and to let past hurt go.
2. You can only move as fast as the slowest person in the relationship. She gives the analogy that if you are on a walk and someone is way ahead, it is hard to keep up and it makes the walk unpleasant. She feels that Fay is running ahead and needs to match the pace of the person she is with.
Aleeza shares how she helps people meet in the middle. She encourages daters to figure out their personal timeline, called their D.E.W date. (Not to be confused with a due date!)
For example, suppose someone wants to be engaged after three months of dating, and then married three months after engagement. But the other person needs nine months to get engaged. You work with both of those timelines to see if a compromise can be made, and a new timeline created.
3. Shomer Negiah can be for anyone. Shomer Negiah – refraining from touching -- is not reserved only for Orthodox people. Anyone can benefit from this golden nugget, even if you only try it for a few initial dates.
4. Would you marry yourself? If you would not want to date yourself because of your character or other qualities, you are not quite ready for marriage. Marriage does not fix a person or fill any holes in one’s personality. Become as whole as possible first, and your marriage will start from a much healthier baseline.
5. We do not want to date ourselves. As much as we would like to find someone similar to ourselves, dating someone too similar would be boring. Deep down, we want to find someone different. It makes for better conversations, dating experiences, and marriages. After all, opposites do attract!
6. Get the big stuff out of the way. Just like making floral arrangements, try to figure out the bigger stuff in the beginning of your dating experience. Make sure your values align so you do not waste time.
Click here to meet Aleeza Ben Shalom in Sarah Pachter's interview with the star of Jewish Matchmaking. Watch as they review dating tips and discuss the Netflix series.
Click here for the recap of Episode 1
Click here for the recap of Episode 2
Click here for the recap of Episode 3
