5 Steps to Marry the Right Person

How can I be sure she’s the right one? How do I know he’s my soulmate?

Here’s the big secret that no one wants to hear: there’s no such thing as one perfect soulmate. There is not just one person in the world destined for you. There are actually many different “soulmates” that can be right for you. Soulmates are really soul-MADE. You can make a beautiful life together with more than one, specific person.

So breathe a sigh of relief. It’s not about finding The One! It’s about finding A Right One. You can find someone with whom you are compatible with and can make a great life together, and then become each other’s perfect partner.

Assuming there is already chemistry and connection, there are certain other qualities to look for that can ensure that you will lead a happy life together. Here are the secret ingredients to help determine if you have found Mr. or Ms. Right.

1. Common values and goals.

Infatuation is like a drug. It’s overpowering and feels a lot like love, but it’s not.

Lead with your head, not your heart. Just like you would do extensive research for a new job opportunity or academic compatibility with a university, do your homework when it comes to your potential lifelong partner. If you are not on the same page when it comes to religion, children, and finances, no matter how infatuated you are with this person, eventually fighting will ensue. Infatuation is going to melt away and you’ll be left with these critical issues, wondering how you ever decided to marry this person.

Openly discuss these potential bombs that have the ability to destroy a relationship: religiosity, finances, in-law boundaries, child rearing, intimacy expectations and education. Be aware of where you both stand with respect to these matters and try to explore solutions before marriage. The more you work through in advance, the less surprises there will be and the better your marriage will withstand such challenges.

2. Look for character, not charisma.

When people are charismatic or have other positive traits that draw you towards them, it can be hard to see with clarity if the person is right for you. Look for character, not appeal. Your partner might have a great personality, significant means, or be highly attractive. All of these attributes can be enticing. But it is important to see past these and really examine his or her character. You may ask yourself the following guiding questions:

Would you want this person to be the parent of your child?

Does he display integrity, honesty, compassion, and empathy for others?

Don’t let charisma blind you to character. Charisma and other externalities fade. Character lasts forever. Strip away that charisma and get to the core of the person. Do you love this person, or the external trappings and opportunities he offers you? Get real with yourself so you can make an honest and mature assessment.

3. Strive for connection, not perfection.

The search for the right spouse demands that you look for genuine connection as opposed to perfection. No relationship is going to be perfect. Instead of holding that unrealistic expectation, ask yourself: Do you accept her flaws and enjoy your time together? When you are together, does he bring out the best in you? Is this person easygoing and positive about life? Do you respect and trust him?

Dating should be pleasant and not strained. Make sure you connect in an authentic manner throughout this process. Neither one of you should be worried about portraying a perfect facade. After the initial jitters have passed in the early stages of dating, you should feel that you can be authentic with this person and it should not be stressful to go out. You should connect with this person as she is, not with the mask she may be wearing.

4. Don’t ignore red flags.

It’s crucial to be honest with yourself and to address any red flags that may arise in the dating process.

Are you staying with your partner because you fear being alone, or don’t want to have to start over with someone new? Do you know, deep down, that he or she isn’t right for you or isn’t treating you properly? If he uses alcohol or drugs to soothe difficult emotions, then he may not be ready for marriage. Is she secretive? Does he use pornography, gamble, or have a strong connection to an ex-partner?

It is crucial to pay attention to the warning signs of abusive behavior. Ask yourself the following questions to assess potential red flags:

• Does he or she display mood swings?
• Does he or she anger easily?
• Do you suddenly find that you are alienated from friends and family?
• Is this person obsessive, controlling, or overly critical?

One way you can be sure that you are not ignoring red flags is to remember D.A.T.E.

D - Date differently. Instead of just going to movies and zoning out, make sure to spend time doing worthwhile activities together. Extreme weather conditions, traffic, and other stressful experiences can shed light on how your partner behaves and reacts outside of the traditional date environment.

A - Ask, ask, ask! Ask close family and friends or a dating coach what they think of your partner. It is important to have an objective third party who can really give you another perspective of your potential mate. Do they like your partner’s character, and do they like who you become when you are with him or her? Do not be afraid to listen carefully to their answers.

T - Time. It is crucial to give yourself time when making this life-changing decision. Time affords you the opportunity to really see your partner for who he or she is. Anyone can be fake for a short period of time, but spending significant, quality time together will cause any social masks to melt away.

E - Examine your comfort level. Do not ignore gut instincts. If something about this person is making you uncomfortable, there is probably a reason why. Listen to yourself and do not ignore your intuition.

5. Family and friendship go hand in hand.

One of the blessings given to a new couple under the wedding canopy is that they are not just lovers, but also friends. Friendship is of utmost importance when it comes to romantic relationships. You need to make sure you get along and enjoy each other’s company authentically. Are you happy spending time together doing nothing, like just driving in the car or sitting on the couch?

Do you like each other? Are you both more positive and happier people when together? What is his family of origin like? Pay attention to how he treats his family; it is an indication of how he will treat you. Make sure there are no surprises regarding his family history.

Create your happily ever after. With guidance and a discerning eye, you too can marry Mr. or Ms. Right.