Indigenous Peoples Call Israel the World's Greatest Decolonization Story
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Andrea and Ramil both thought religion didn't matter. A trip to Israel changed everything.
Andrea Lebedev1 grew up in Brooklyn, New York in a non-religious Jewish family from the former Soviet Union. Her father passed away from a heart attack when her mother was pregnant with Andrea. He was only 34.
While Brooklyn has a large Orthodox Jewish population, Andrea never met anyone Orthodox while growing up.
“My neighbors were from all races and religions…I never happened to be in the right place at the right time to meet anyone observant. I was interested in Judaism, but had no in into that world.”
Andrea and her mother lived with her grandparents and aunt. “I grew up in a very loving household and never felt like I was lacking.”
I didn’t even know Hanukkah existed until going to that camp.
The family often utilized the local JCC, a wonderful place that helped immigrants get on their feet. Andrea’s first exposure to Judaism was at their summer camp. “We learned about Shabbat, challah, and candles. I didn’t even know Hanukkah existed until going to that camp.”
As a kid, Andrea was interested in Christmas solely because of the presents. Jesus was never mentioned and they never attended church. “We were not affiliated with Christianity. We were secular atheists, which was simply a result of growing up in the former Soviet Union. In Russian culture, New Years is a big deal. Stalin banned Christmas, so the entire Soviet Union adopted New Years as Christmas.”
Years later, Andrea attended Brooklyn College and joined the business club where she was the only Jewish girl. The business club met weekly and Andrea recognized Ramil,2 a fellow student from another class who was Muslim. They saw each other regularly at the club meetings.
“I appreciated his professionalism and leadership skills, and I was attracted to that. He was clearly attracted to my personality and felt I was a go-getter. In terms of professionalism, we matched up.”
The club also met up socially for Happy Hour. “One night, when everyone else couldn’t make it, it was just the two of us.”
Ramil drove Andrea home and told her in the car that he had feelings for her. He wanted to become romantically involved.
He wasn’t fasting during Ramadan and I wasn’t fasting on Yom Kippur.
Andrea reluctantly agreed. “While he was a really good guy and we shared similar interests, I went into the relationship hesitantly because he wasn’t Jewish, but he assured me that we would figure it out…Religion was not part of our lives. We knew who we were but we weren’t observing anything. He wasn’t fasting during Ramadan and I wasn’t fasting on Yom Kippur.”
They were both college-focused and determined to build a good career for themselves. Ramil’s parents were also originally from the Soviet Union.
“Our families were from different places within the Soviet Union but we had that commonality. We were both immigrants trying to build our careers. We knew each other’s culture and we thought we were similar enough.”
Ramil had also worked as a manager in a kosher store and had an understanding of Judaism culturally. While their relationship was flourishing and they began to talk about marriage, Andrea decided to visit Israel, taking advantage of the brief hiatus between graduation and her new full-time job at an accounting firm.
“I went on Birthright which was a rite of passage amongst my Jewish friends.”
While it was a standard, secular co-ed Birthright program, Andrea’s tour guide was a religious man, and Andrea became good friends with Samantha, the one observant girl on the trip.
Everything felt foreign to Andrea, including celebrating Shabbat and visiting a mikveh, ritual immersion pool, in Safed.
A female tour guide showed the women of the group the mikveh. “She explained intimacy in a way I had never heard before. She told us intimacy is special and shared only with someone you love. I know it may sound obvious or rudimentary to others, but in our world as secular college girls, it just wasn’t.
It was the first time in my life that I felt Jewish sisterhood. We were a mixed bag of Jews, all dating random people.
“It was the first time in my life that I felt Jewish sisterhood. I was in a room full of Jewish women who were getting emotional. We were a mixed bag of Jews, all dating random people.”
The teacher explained the concept of a soulmate and how one’s soulmates had to be Jewish. “It made logical sense to me that a non-Jew who has a completely different set of beliefs could not possibly be my other half on a soul-level. The entire group of women were tearing up from this talk… That moment really made an impact on me.”
During the trip Andrea began to explore spirituality more deeply and questioning the viability of her relationship with Ramil.
Andrea landed in JFK airport where Ramil greeted her with a bouquet of roses. “He was so sweet but I knew already at that point that it wasn't going to work long term.” They didn’t break up right away, but internally things had started to shift.
Ramil also had his own reservations. He kept delaying introducing Andrea to his family because he knew they would not approve.
Ramil also had his own reservations. He kept delaying introducing Andrea to his family because he knew they would not approve. They were more traditional and wanted him to marry into his religion and culture.
After Birthright, Andrea was on a spiritual high and reconnected with her new group of Jewish friends. “Observant Jews take having Jewish friends for granted because they grow up surrounded by Jews. Having Jewish friends was new for me and there was something very uniting about it all.”
She took her renewed sense of Jewish identity seriously. “I knew what persecution and discrimination was. I knew what it was to not get into a university because of being Jewish in the Soviet Union. Soviet history tells you being Jewish is a disease…My family came here on a refugee program for Jews because the country didn’t want us.”
Andrea started hanging out regularly with Samantha, including going to her house for Shabbat. “I wanted to start praying. Samantha’s family were Sephardic and I was Ashkenazi so she encouraged me to go to a Judaica store to buy a siddur.”
While Andrea was perusing the shelves, one of her professors from college who was an Orthodox Jew walked in. Andrea couldn’t believe the coincidence. She told her professor, “I just came back from Birthright. I want to connect but I don’t know where to begin.” The professor suggested that she should reach out to the campus Chabad. “I wrote the Rebbetzin a message and that was the beginning of the next stage of my Jewish journey.”
Andrea started going to the Chabad House for Shabbat and learning programs. Out of respect, she started to wear skirts in their presence.
Andrea was still going out with Ramil but eventually realized the time had come to break up. She knew that marriage was hard enough, and thought that by marrying him would mean setting herself up for many challenges in the future.
Our friend asked us, “Will your kids be Jewish or Muslim?” I said, “Both.” And Ramil said, “Muslim.”
Andrea remembered when she went to lunch with Ramil and a mutual friend who was also Muslim. “We were having a wonderful lunch, when our friend asked us, ‘Will your kids be Jewish or Muslim?’ I said, ‘Both.’ And Ramil said, ‘Muslim.’ I knew that according to Jewish law the child is Jewish if the mom is Jewish. But according to Muslim law the kids go after their father. Ramil understandably didn’t acknowledge the Jewish law. It wasn’t a priority for him while it was for me.”
Andrea said, “People can say whatever they want when dating. Once kids come into the picture, people change their minds. You want certain things for your children and it’s essential for the couple to be on the same page.”
Andrea finally gathered the courage and met Ramil for lunch.
“I told him that we may love each other but who will marry us? Is the imam going to marry us? Will the rabbi marry us? He was very upset. He didn’t want to accept that I could no longer stay in the relationship. Even though he had never introduced me to his family, he was adamant that we should stay together.”
After breaking up with Ramil, Andrea felt free to dive deeper into Judaism. She attended a three-week learning program and started to keep kosher and Shabbat as much as possible. She also started her first full-time job in Manhattan.
That’s where she met Josh. “We worked in the same department. We were in these Jewish gatherings at work together. I wasn’t interested in him romantically, at first.”
Josh became a calming presence in Andrea’s life during her years in corporate America. Both of them were unhappy in their jobs, and Josh was often the person she turned to when she needed someone to talk to. He listened without judgment and understood what she was going through.
When the pandemic began, they found themselves communicating more frequently. What started as group outings with friends gradually evolved into the two of them spending time together.
At one point, Josh invited her to a singles Shabbaton that a friend of his was organizing.
During the Shabbaton, Andrea realized something had changed in their dynamic. She found herself thinking that she didn’t want anyone else paying attention to him. She began to realize that her feelings had become something more.
As Andrea got to know Josh better, she saw qualities in him that mattered deeply to her. He was competent, kind, dependable, and someone she believed would make an excellent husband and father.
They envisioned an open and welcoming home, a vibrant social life surrounded by friends, and a family deeply connected to Judaism.
She and Josh discovered that they wanted many of the same things. They envisioned an open and welcoming home, a vibrant social life surrounded by friends, and a family deeply connected to Judaism. They wanted their future children to love Judaism and to feel proud of who they were.
The couple started dating and once they knew they were right for each other they got engaged.
Around the same time, both Andrea and Josh transitioned out of the corporate world and began building new chapters in their lives.
Today, they are married and are building a vibrant Jewish home rooted in strong Jewish values.
Looking back, Andrea believes that recognizing what kind of future she wanted to build was the turning point in her relationship with Ramil. She views the decision to marry Jewish less about rejecting a culture or specific person and more about committing to build a Jewish home with someone who shared her history, values, and traditions.
Once she made that commitment, she found her soulmate.
Beautiful and inspiring article Andrea! What a hard move it must have been. Your strength and perseverence shines through the entire article😊 Proud that you are a part of our nation!
good article. sadly many do not choose like her and regret it later
A lot of Jews were murdered in the Holocaust, and Jews have to bring Jewish descendants into the world, and if the non Jew converts sincerely good otherwise, the children from the marriage are not Jewish. why are people questioning the idea of a soul mate it actually exists, it is interesting want Jewish me get defensive when you ask why did you marry out of your religion, it is not only Jews want to stick to other Jews, other religions and cultures want to fo the same in marriage there are different issues why should one of them be different religions sometimes it doesn't work at all, and sometimes the kids don't want to be Jewish sometimes and other times they have to convert and there is a argument in Israel that only Orthodox convertions are recognized there
The teacher explained the concept of a soulmate and how one’s soulmates had to be Jewish. “It made logical sense to me that a non-Jew who has a completely different set of beliefs could not possibly be my other half on a soul-level.This is definitely problematic thinking. That the teacher believes that a soulmate has to be Jewish for things to be splendid is a fallacy. Several people have married into different cultures or religions and are very happy. It would take work either way and sure it maybe easier to stay in the same race, culture, religion or whatever. But many Jews today are a product of conversion/intermarriages of centuries ago as well as modern day cultures. Halachic thinking is old and dying. It is funny that a patriarchical society mandates mother determines a Yid
I don't believe that the teacher was insinuating that two people in a mixed marriage could not be satisfied or happy or have a splendid marriage. I believe that she was simply saying that while these two people could unite on a physical and emotional level they ultimately can't be one on a soul level, since their spiritual roots are very different. As the author writes, this strikes me as simple logic as well. And since the author seems to be a deep and spiritual person, this soul-level connection mattered to her enough to make her begin to rethink the long term ramifications of the relationship. In addition I'm happy to report that Halachic Judaism is flourishing thank G-d and growing stronger every day. It will not die, because it is life itself.
You're either badly informed, abysmally ignorant, or perhaps just miserably disrespectful of Judaism and Jewish law!
While the first two of these sorry states is sadly unfortunate if you're a Jew, they can be rectified; however, if you're merely anti-Jewish / anti-religious and deliberately spreading false, negative &/or vacuous statements (that contain not even a milligram of accuracy, mg!) — well, that's utterly reprehensible!
Wonderful!
I was going to reply to Oskar, but hesitated. I don't want to be involved or start a flame war here. I do feel that as in many life decisions, this is a very personal and individual one. Each case is different. For me, I knew I couldn't continue a relationship with the non-Jewish guy I was dating after I graduated from High School. I needed the familiarity and community of the Jewish fellow I eventually married. Even though we came from different levels of observance, I didn't need to constantly explain myself or tell him about Jewish holidays or Kashrut. We together made decisions about what and why we would follow different practices. For instance, we kept Kosher because he knew how much it meant to me. Over the course of 49 years and many moves, we grew closer to our faith.
I too am from the former Soviet Union who knew absolutely nothing about Judaism when we moved here in 1990. I admire "Andrea's" journey as it mimics my own. It is only when I started dating a Jewish girl (that I eventually married) that I felt calmness about my own familial future.
May you keep going from strength to strength
This is a great example of how religion poisons everything. They could have gotten a civil marriage and lived on happily ever after. I myself am married to a non-jewish woman and have never been happier in my life. So glad I didn't listen to the defeatists and merchants of doom who put religion above verything.
You are a "False Prophet"
https://aish.com/why-not-intermarry-2/
Why?
Why the mean spiritedness under the guise of light.
Did not the sages summarize Instructions (Torah): Love HaShem, and love your neighbor?
So Oskar, your children will be '1/2Jewish' which part? Above the waist or under? Ever heard the sharp remark made by Groucho Marx? For sure not! He and his family were living in Miami Fl, one day Groucho decided to become a member of the Miami Beach and Swimming Club. He filled in the forms and had a word afterwards with the board, they told him 'we do not acceot Jews as member in our waters and club' Groucho listened, nodded yes I understand and said ' well in that case my son can be a member on condition that he only goes into the water till his waist' 'what do you mean' was the boards Q, 'well, as I am intermarried as you all know my son is 1/2 Jewish'
So Oskar, your kids are haf Jewish according to Groucho but in reality they are not.
Who cares? Religion is an antiquated system that was used to explain things people had no explanation for and as a means of control. I don't mind the traditions but do we really have to believe in an invisible man in the sky? I think religious people are taking that and themselves way too seriously.
Why are you on this website then?
You mean I shouldn't be here because I have an opinion you don't like?
no, she means, what brings you to search spiritual articles if you believe it really has no substance?
There is no invisable man in the sky. Hopefully, i think everyone here agrees on that. But there most certainly is a Higher Power, that created the world. and our job is to figur out why He created the world, why He created me personally? and what I'm meant to be doing to accomplish the goal. It would be a rather huge shame to spend 90 odd years on a journey only to return to our source seeing we wasted all our time here and got no part of the job/mission done. wouldn't it?
"It would be a rather huge shame to spend 90 odd years on a journey only to return to our source" - There is absolutely no evidence for that it is anything else than that.
I guess you have no clue about the history of the Holocaust and the Nurenberg Laws, you should learn Jewish history about how other religions prescuted the Jews, Jews didn't control people it was the Church that. controlled people, the only religion that had people that knew how to read and write were Jews, what is your problem with the Jewish religion did you learn anything about Judaism and your heritage, some Jews run away from Judaism and on the other hand there are people that want to convert to Judaism or become religious, what happened in your life that you have a problem with Judaism, are you Askenzi or Sephardic or some other type of Jew, if you don't know anything about Judaism maybe you should learn instead of being so negative about religion,
You want him to be a "full" Jew, but loathe him at the same time?
And you think he is the one with the problems?
No, you are, and the truth is you're reading your own false ideas into other people's comments!
Lenny is asking a reasonable question, possibly suggesting that despite his rejection of religion, Oskar's pintele Yid is manifested by his presence on Aish (negative as that is).
And Oskar reacted defensively, thereby showing vulnerability. Perhaps he unfortunately had bad experiences and consequently rejected Judaism.
But your nasty comment doesn't help anyone
So Oskar should go to places, that will except him instead of rejecting him, sometimes different shuls and organizations can be a better fit for him, there are places for people that want to return to Judaism or convert classes, some Israelis were against religion and then something occurred in their life and changed their tune, if Oslar came across this site it means he wants a life preserver because he want someone to engage with him, instead of criticizing his life choices sometimes people marry non Jewish and they convert to, I don't the reason why he married out of Judaism, there is a reason he reached out to aish maybe he wants to look into Judaism, it is sad that there are people that don't appreciate being Jewish
I don't reject judaism as roots and tradition. What I do reject ist the fairy tales and statements the religion makes that cannot possibly be true. As grown, enlightened people in the 21st century it is simply silly to let your life be determined by some man-made concepts that were written by people who knew less about our world than a 5th grader today.
Why do you think they would have lived happily ever after? I heard of many Jews married to non-Jews after October 7th who felt their spouses could not understand why they were in so much pain. This is just one example of why you need your partner to truly understand your Jewish soul.
I have heard about that too and found, to my relief, that this does not have to be the rule. My partner is more understandig and supporting than I could have asked for and often enough I find her identifiying with and defending the jewish cause in situations where I just would shut up.
To each his own, right Oskar? Love God, love your neighbor.
There are many "religious" people who have no souls; and, if they found a person dead on the street, would step over the person.
Religions are not valid, only truth.
Instructions (Torah) 304,805 letters/numbers prohibits ALL religions as False. It is not a religion. It is an operational handbook for the world, and humanity.
Is it "true?"
Despite codes, prime number check sums, computerized author signature throughout; and, plain text AND coded rejections of individual religions, human beings still insist to go their own way, and lord it over each other.
Is it true? AI seems to think so: Instructions by a supraintelligent, non-human, omnipresent, omnipotent being that knows the past, present, and future.
you will come to regret it unfortunately. sorry to break it to you
And how do you know that? Do you have some kind of privileged connection to a higher source that makes you better than anyone else? How about you'd show us so the rest of us can grasp your wisdom.
Sarah: Thank you for publicizing this story. Please pass on to Andera that I truly admire her for making such a difficult decision based on her principles.