Iran’s Attack on Israel
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Here’s my time-tested recipe to know you’ve found The One.
How do you know the person you’re dating is the one you should spend your life with? What ingredients need to be there for a successful life-long marriage? Sometimes you get so caught up in dating that you forget what to look for.
In my 25 years of marriage and over two decades working with singles (close to 300 clients married), I’ve come up with a recipe that will stand the test of time. When searching for The One, here’s what to do.
The deal breaker list isn’t a list of preferences, common interests or superficial physical descriptions. This is a short list of a few character traits and values that are completely non-negotiable for you. I call them “airborne peanut allergies” when they’re negatives (you have a visceral reaction) and “absolute must-haves” if they’re positives.
How do you make this list? Start by thinking about your family and upbringing. Are there certain traits in your parents that you’re “allergic” to? Or that you value tremendously? Then mentally scroll through your dating history. What were the reasons you ended certain relationships with normal, healthy people? Oh, he was super negative or she couldn’t have a deep conversation… he was materialistic or she was judgmental… these are probably deal breakers for you.
Stick to your list because this is your personal GPS to finding the right person for you. You can also use your deal breaker list to create what I call “the blurb,” a brief description of what you’re looking for so friends/family/matchmakers can set you up more effectively, and “the elevator pitch,” the most important parts of your blurb in oral form.
Don’t wait longer than a few dates to discuss what’s important to you. Talk about how you want to live your life, your view on money, Judaism, etc. You should be aligned in the vision you have for your future or this relationship won’t stand the test of time. Don’t marry someone who is a “project” and don’t think you can change them.
Do you feel respected and safe with this person? Do you admire who they are? Do they listen to you when you talk and seem interested in what you have to say? On the other hand, if he or she talks over you, dismisses your opinions or makes you feel bad about yourself, those are red flags.
Do you enjoy their company? Do you miss them when you’ve been apart (once you’ve been dating for a bit)? Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with them? Do you feel they’re becoming your friend? A great marriage is built on what I call the “foundation of friendship,” and this needs to be there when you’re dating.
Marriage is all about growth and making space for another person, so when you’re dating you want to pay attention to whether he or she is stuck in their ways, or open to learning new things and improving themselves.
Attraction is an obvious make-or-break issue, but I have many clients who felt a bit neutral when they were dating their now-husbands, and it was something that took time to grow. Don’t end something prematurely if everything else on paper is great and you enjoy being with them—keep dating to see if the connection can grow.
Disclaimer: Attraction can grow as the emotional connection grows. This does not mean keep dating someone you’re UN-attracted to; it just means perhaps give the person you’re dating a real chance.
Most of us have been fed a steady diet starting in childhood of Disney movies and rom-coms that have taught us that love is “falling” rather than a conscious decision, and that you’ll know instantly (complete with fireworks) when you’ve met your soulmate and sail off into the sunset happily ever after. This is simply not true. Judaism teaches that love is a result of recognizing good in another person and giving to another person.
Once you realize that your relationship has all of the above ingredients for a successful marriage, go for it! And remember, just because you choose the right person, doesn’t mean marriage will be a walk in the park. But if you’ve chosen someone with a good heart and a growth mindset, you will be able to weather life’s storms together and build a beautiful Jewish home.
Great advice a peace of art..!! Were can I find a good site where I can put those precious advices in practice ?? Iam single and it has been "so had" in finding the right match, thks in advance...!!
Very articulate piece! I hope your article reaches wide audiences, particularly young people who have a tough time navigating in the dating jungle.
Basically, it all boils down to like should marry like.
Very good advice!