Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
6 min read
Tried and true tips to help you navigate the complicated world of dating.
After dating unsuccessfully for decades, Sarah Lavane has learned from some of her mistakes. Her newest book Unmatched is getting rave reviews. In this exclusive interview with Aish, she shares her top eight dating tips.
Don’t try to be the person you think the other person wants you to be. It always backfires.
Sarah stated, “For so many years, I tried to be someone else when I was on a date. I was trying to be the person I thought they wanted me to be. But this won’t help you get married. And even if you do end up going out for a while, ultimately it won’t be a match because you were never being authentic to begin with.”
Instead, work on embodying the values you want in someone else. Be true to your own core values, and then the person who best matches you will surface.
If you’re not getting a lot of suggestions or aren’t going out on many dates, try diversifying your tactics.
“Don’t stick to one method. If you’re not the type to go to singles events, go out of your comfort zone and try one… Alternatively, if you are always going to single events and seeing the same people, try to network with married people or a matchmaker. Try speed dating, or online dating.
“The goal is to push boundaries and open yourself to new experiences. Get comfortable in an uncomfortable zone. Don’t expect the same tactics to get you different results.”
If you are struggling in the dating world, find help to navigate this journey.
“Seek out a dating coach. Each stage of dating has a different block. For me, I dealt with a lot of fear and had no one to guide me through it. I didn’t go to a therapist until I was in my forties.
“When I was young and single, I had a lot of fears and blocks surrounding marriage. There were so many guys I ended it with because I wasn’t ready or too scared to get married. By the time I figured myself out, I was older and the pool of guys was much smaller.”
Lavane feels that having an objective third party to help you sort and overcome your fears is imperative. “I think if I had sought out help at the time, I would have saved myself years of figuring it all out.
Don’t wallow and waste time on relationships that have failed. The next good thing may be just around the corner. Have faith.
“Once, I was sitting on a bus on my way to a weekend retreat when a young woman sat next to me. We started chatting, and I thought of someone for her. I tracked her down and set them up. They ended up getting married. What this taught me is that God can bring you your soulmate.”
Marriage isn’t about finding someone perfect. It’s about finding the perfect person for you. The one whose flaws you can live with.
Lavane described how she didn’t want to go out with one guy after he called her. “The conversation was so off; I just couldn’t bring myself to go out with him. I did anyway, and on the date, something changed. Instead of feeling like I wanted to escape, I felt the conversation grow a little more interesting.
“After the second date, I had a great time and was willing to continue going out. I still noticed his flaws, but I was comfortable with him.”
Sarah calls that man “Singular” in her book. Eventually he broke it off, but he was someone that she saw potential with.
“I was guilty of the ‘tile syndrome’—walking into a tiled room and noticing the one missing tile instead of the thousands of tiles there. What drove that syndrome was that I was afraid, and not really ready. I was hoping to get swept off my feet, but when I was really ready and matured, I started looking for more substance. We have to be honest with ourselves. Are we looking for a fairy tale or for substance? My fairy tales all flopped!”
Always leave a good impression on your date, even when you’re not interested.
As a dating coach I tell my clients that they are their own best advertisement. Even if they see zero potential in the guy they are dating, they still need to represent the best version of themselves. Not only for their reputation, but for their integrity.
Lavane recommends the same, adding, “Everyone deserves to be treated with basic respect, and you never know—he or she may have a friend, neighbor, or relative for you. Don’t ghost people!”
Ask the other person out—they might say yes! If you don’t ask, you may not ever know they were interested.
Lavane was at a wedding and her friend said to her, “I think I’m going to ask out a guy. No one ever asks me out, I’m just going to ask them myself.”
Lavane thought that was a pretty good idea, and was interested in the guy sitting next to her at the wedding. She was too embarrassed to ask him at the wedding and didn’t want to put him on the spot, so she wrote him a letter instead and dropped it in his mailbox. She put her number at the bottom of the note.
He called, and they went out. He told her he always liked her and thought she was super nice.
At one point she asked him, “You know, if you liked me, why didn't you just ask me out?”
“‘Because you seemed like a popular girl who would say no to me,’ was his response.”
Lavane couldn’t believe it. Here she was struggling to find dates and he felt she was too sought after for a guy like him.
Don’t be afraid to take the first step and ask someone out. As the old saying goes, “Fortune favors the bold.”
Don’t live waiting for life to happen. It is happening right now!
“I held off on doing things, thinking I’ll do that as soon as I marry. My roommate had taken her microwave oven with her and I had resisted replacing it for months, thinking my husband will have his own or we’ll buy one together. It was silly.” Never lose yourself while looking for someone else.
To learn more about Sarah Lavane and her new book visit unmatchedstory.com
