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Wisdom for Living
Rabbi Noah Weinberg on the Parashah
6 min read
At the beginning of the Book of Deuteronomy, Moshe begins his parting words to the Jewish people by rebuking them for their mistakes throughout their forty years in the desert. In order not to embarrass them, Moshe veils his rebuke by alluding to their transgressions through names of places. “In the desert” refers to when the Jewish people complained to God about the lack of lack of food in the desert, saying, “If only we had died by the hand of Hashem in the land of Egypt” (Shemos 16:3). “Di-zahav,” which literally means “enough gold” is a reference to the sin of the Golden Calf. (Rashi ad loc.)
Moshe also recounts the implementation of Yisro’s advice to create a judicial system. “Provide for yourself distinguished men, who are wise, understanding, and well known to your tribes, and I will appoint them as your heads. You answered me and said, ‘The thing that you have proposed to is good.’” (Devarim 1:13-14)
Rashi explains that this is not a digression from his rebuke; rather, Moshe is criticizing the Jewish people for accepting Yisro’s idea. “You should have replied, ‘Our teacher, Moshe! From whom is it proper to learn, from you or from your disciple? Is it not better to learn from you, who has taken such pains about them?’ However, I knew your thoughts; you were saying to yourselves, “Many judges will now be appointed over us; if one does not know us, we shall bring him a gift, and he will show us favor.”
But why did Moshe rebuke them only now for the transgressions they committed forty years ago? The Torah obligation to rebuke someone begins as soon as we see they are making a mistake. Waiting to rebuke them and allowing them to continue in their mistake is damaging to all. The Rambam writes:
It is a mitzvah for a person who sees that his fellow Jew has transgressed or is following an improper path to rebuke him for his behavior and to inform him that he is causing himself a loss through his evil deeds, as the Torah says: "You shall surely admonish your fellow" (Vayikra 19:17)... Whoever has the ability to rebuke and fails to do so is considered responsible for those people’s sin, for he had the opportunity to rebuke them. (Laws of Character Development 6:7)
Delaying to give rebuke, for decades no less, is playing with fire. You risk becoming accountable for the people’s transgression by not trying to stop their errant behavior. So how is it possible that Moshe waited so many years and did not rebuke the Jewish people immediately?
Moshe was not the only major figure in Jewish history to delay giving rebuke. Rashi (1:3) says that Moshe waited until a short while before his death to give rebuke, drawing on the example of Yaakov, who reproached his sons just before he died. Yehoshua, Shmuel the Prophet and King David also waited until they were on their deathbed to rebuke their children and followers. How could they all delay in fulfilling such a consequential mitzvah?
When it comes to giving rebuke, there is a crucial difference between the responsibilities of an individual and a leader. Concerning the individual, the halachah is very clear: Provided our words will be heard, we are obligated to rebuke someone immediately. If we do not, we share in their transgression. But a leader is different. He cannot admonish the people for every mistake he sees, even if in the short run he will be listened to, because this will ultimately undermine his effectiveness as a leader and cause even greater damage. He needs to weigh his words carefully and ensure that his reprimands do not become nothing more than a broken record. A leader needs to pick his battles wisely, in order to preserve the respect of the people and safeguard his role as their leader.
When someone is on his deathbed, it is the most opportune time to offer words of criticism. In this situation people are listening intently, because they realize that whatever the person is saying at this critical time must be of utmost importance. Under these circumstances, there is no concern that the person’s voice will be ignored. The words he offers at this crucial moment will stay with their listeners forever.
This approach to giving rebuke is true not only for leaders like Moshe, Yehoshua, Shmuel and David, it also applies to anyone in a leadership capacity, including parents, managers and employers. One of the greatest curses that can happen to parents is having their children simply ignore them. Nothing they say registers, because their children have grown tired of their constant barrage of criticism. In order to prevent this from happening, parents must be very discerning regarding how and when they criticize their children. Criticism needs to be done sparingly and when truly necessary, in a way that does not destroy the love and trust between parent and child. This same dynamic applies to bosses and their relationships with their employees as well.
For words of rebuke to be effective, they must emanate from a warm, loving place of concern. The Rambam writes: “A person who rebukes a colleague… should speak to him patiently and gently, informing him that he is making these statements only for his colleague's own welfare…” (Laws of Character Development 6:7). If a person feels that you genuinely have his best interests at heart, and that you are speaking not as a ploy to manipulate, but because you truly care about him, he will listen and be more open to accepting your criticism. One suggested formula is to give ten portions of love for every portion of criticism. Express your love before, during, and after criticism. Reassure the person that you are on his side.
This principle cannot be overstated when it comes to parents and children. Parents often make the mistake of criticizing their children too often and without emphasizing how much they love them. Like Moshe, put the overall relationship first. Focus on being effective, not just right. Evaluate your words and ensure that they promote a loving, trusting relationship, because in the long run, that connection and trust will prove to be most effective vehicle for communicating with your children.
