Giving Away Part of Her Liver Saved Three Lives
6 min read
Let’s face it: No one wants to be criticized, but constructive criticism can be a positive tool when delivered correctly. Although it’s natural to dislike criticism, a growth-oriented person will come to appreciate and value it. Constructive criticism or feedback has many benefits, among them increased self-awareness and clarity.
At the end of his life, Moshe admonished the people for their past transgressions simply by alluding to them or recalling where they occurred. For example, the sin of the Golden Calf is recalled through the words di zahav, a place whose name means “much gold.” These two words transmitted a powerful message. Recognizing the value of a veiled reference attests to how well Moshe knew and understood his audience. Rather than delivering a lengthy diatribe, Moshe maximized his impact by minimizing his words.
We can emulate this relevant lesson by choosing our words wisely and speaking succinctly. What must we know in order to take criticism well and constructively deliver it to others? Constructive criticism is distinguished from destructive criticism by how the remarks are presented and how they are perceived by the recipient. It focuses on building up the other person and respects the recipient’s dignity. In contrast, destructive criticism is delivered by put-downs intended to inflict pain or insult. Such rebuke generally is rejected.
The art of giving constructive criticism requires practice, just like any other skill. It is crucial to be mindful of your emotions and your timing. Avoid offering feedback to a person who isn’t willing or ready to receive it. Clarify that the rebuke is about the situation and not about the person. Personal attacks always should be avoided, as they result in anger and disdain.
When on the receiving end, try to keep your composure. Take time to process and consider how the criticism can be used for your personal growth. Remember to avoid a combative reaction, especially if the admonishment is coming from someone who cares about you. The best response is to express appreciation, such as, “Thanks for pointing this out to me. I value your feedback. I’ll work on it.” Such a response creates an atmosphere of cooperation and prevents confrontation.
We all have rough edges that need smoothing out. Our close friends and loved ones often see them more clearly than coworkers or acquaintances. We’re usually more transparent in the presence of those with whom we feel the most comfortable, yet we may not treat our “inner circle” with the courtesy and consideration we show to mere acquaintances. The most effective way to enrich our closest relationships is to choose our words wisely. Be careful never to shame others. If you must admonish someone, do so in a constructive, positive way. Begin and end with an encouraging statement; place your criticism in between.
We can fall prey to the natural tendency to “overkill.” Unfortunately, going on and on fails to be helpful. The sage advice that “less is more” should reign supreme. We should speak briefly and to the point.
Constructive criticism can increase our own and others’ self-awareness and wisdom, but we must be open to it. In the words of King Solomon: “Don’t criticize a fool, for he will hate you. Criticize a wise man, and he will love you.”
How does one transform a fool into a wise man? Rather than state what another is doing wrong, tell the person what he needs to do differently. Compliment or acknowledge something positive that the person has done so that they’ll be more receptive to your suggestion for change. The most effective criticism is that which is motivated by a genuine concern and caring for another.
This week’s Torah portion is read on the Shabbat preceding Tisha B’Av, the date on which both Temples were destroyed. The Talmud states that the reason for the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash and Jerusalem was that people failed to rebuke one another. What does the Talmud mean by this? Rambam explains that the driving force of criticism of others should be your love of them and your desire that they don’t hurt themselves.
Most of us only criticize the behavior of others when it bothers us, not when it’s harmful to them. We may ignore the actions of family and friends that clearly are detrimental to them. Of course, we’ll rush into action if they do or say something that is disruptive to us. Otherwise, we’d prefer to turn a blind eye to their shortcomings and maintain the status quo.
That’s what the Talmud means when it says that Jerusalem was destroyed because we didn’t criticize one another. The Talmud is reminding us that we neither cared enough about each other nor attempted to prevent others from harming themselves. Such behavior epitomizes baseless hatred, which the Talmud lists as another reason that the second Temple was destroyed.
The wise King Solomon said: “In all your ways, know Him [God].” This applies to all actions of a person, including delivering and receiving criticism. We “know” God by recognizing that each of our character flaws and imperfections is Divinely bestowed upon us to refine. This realization should permeate and influence each step along one’s personal journey. Such acquired wisdom gives purpose and meaning to the arduous challenge of refining one’s character and actions. Realizing that perfection is unattainable, we nevertheless can strive to improve our relationships with one another. Let’s start by becoming a little bit better each day than we were the day before.
I could go on and on about this, but I recognize that…less is more!
What would you want someone to do if it was you with the stain or hole?
