Are You a Spy or a Tourist?
4 min read
The Book of Deuteronomy is known as ‘Mishnei Torah’, the repetition of the Torah. Moses gathers all the Jews to reiterate all the teachings up until now. It is puzzling why Moses begins by listing a variety of places. Our Torah portion tells us that Moses spoke to all of Israel on the other side of the Jordan, “concerning the Wilderness, concerning the Arabah, opposite the Sea of Reeds, between Paran and Tophel, and Laban, and Hazeroth, and Di-zihab; eleven days from Horeb, by way of Mount Seir to Kadesh-barnea.” Why is it so important to start off Moses’s recapitulation of the Torah by mentioning places?
Famous Torah commentaries, Rashi and Onkelos, as well as many commentaries, explain that the places allude to different sins the Jewish people performed at those particular places. Why wouldn’t Moses just tell the Jews outright and be more direct?
Lesson:
No one enjoys being told what they did wrong. However, no one is perfect – we all make mistakes, either knowingly or sometimes even unknowingly. The approach used to reprimand someone can determine whether an appropriate change in the person is made, for better or worse.
When a child misbehaves, a parents or teacher could associate that misbehaver with the child. For example, after a child spills his water, a parent could say, “You’re so clumsy, you have to watch what you are doing.” That negative action (ie spilling water) is now associated with the child’s character (being clumsy). This creates a self-image of the child of being clumsy and is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy – What’s the point of trying to be more cautious – I’m clumsy!
If the parent instead encourages the child to clean up the mess and praises the child for “being such a good helper by cleaning up” the child has a positive self-image (I’m helpful!) as well as a positive experience (which builds positive relationships) with that parent. Afterwards, the parent could then suggest moving the cup further from the table so it doesn’t spill. The suggestion of how to make it better has nothing to do with the child himself, but rather an objective suggestion of how to make it better in the future. Additionally, it is following a positive experience, so the child is more likely to heed the advice.
While this is important for children as self-images are being formed, this is true for adults as well, especially in interpersonal relationships. We all make mistakes and we are often very quick to see the faults in others. Moses teaches us a very important lesson in how to relay rebuke. It must be done in a gentle a way that does not associate the action with the person. Even if someone mistakenly acted in a rude way, they are not necessarily a rude person. Criticism done gently and lovingly, with the right intentions, is much more palatable, and therefore more likely to generate positive changes.
This is also how God deals with us. The first mistake ever made was when Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge. Upon eating from the tree, Adam and Eve then perceived they were unclothed and hid from embarrassment. God of course saw everything, but instead of a tirade of blame, God lovingly provided them the space to come forward by asking the innocuous question of “Where are you?”.
We all make mistakes – sometimes even on a daily basis, yet we are never thrown to the wayside, God forbid. Before God created the world, He created teshuva, repentance, a means for which humans to turn around and to return and align to our highest, holiest self. God gives us the space and the love to be able to come to our own conclusions about mistakes that we’ve made so that we can use those mistakes as platforms to become the great people God knows that we can be. We too can provide a safe and loving space for those around us to become their best selves as well.
Exercise: When rebuking or criticizing someone, think twice about your approach. Do not mention directly what was done wrong, but rather find one positive thing to mention along with focusing on helping that person how to implement a positive change in the future.
