Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
6 min read
How to be a great daughter-in-law.
Your mother-in-law may be zipping her lips shut but this is what she wants you to hear. In case you are thinking Where’s the advice for my mother in law? Don’t worry. I got you covered. Click here.
Imagine you’re the founder and CEO of a major corporation and after 20 years you get fired. You’re devastated. After all, you created this company. How can they fire you from your own company? As you determine your next steps, you find out that the new boss is a young upstart, fresh out of college. Your blood is boiling. You’re appalled that you’ve devoted your entire life into the company and with the blink of an eye, you’ve been ousted by someone with no experience.
This is what it’s like to become a mother-in-law. You created a human. You endured sleepless nights worrying and raising your child. You gave every ounce of your body and soul to this person. And suddenly, just like that, some young rookie with no life experience has taken him!
Recognize the years of toil and love that your mother-in-law poured into your husband and empathize with this most difficult transition that she has to navigate. One day, you’ll be that mother-in-law — and karma is a beast.
“The more you include the less they intrude.” Commit this mantra to memory. Since your mother-in-law is the CEO Emeritus, the more you invite her into your life, the less she will encroach and force her way in.
There are simple, small gestures that can help her feel important, appreciated and loved. Ask for recipes, call her often (with the children), buy her thoughtful gifts, send her “thinking of you” cards or texts. If you live in the same city, offer to pick up something from the market and visit regularly with your grandchildren.
Treat them like they are your mother, only nicer. You can ask your husband what types of gestures he thinks she would appreciate (pleasing both your husband and your mother-in-law).
Show kindness and your mother-in-law will feel less threatened. In turn, she’ll respect your need for privacy.
Your marriage is more akin to a marathon than a sprint. So, when dealing with heated, emotional topics with your mother-in-law, think about the long-term effects of your words. A few seconds of silence can buy you years of positive feelings. Pick your battles and choose respect over all else.
Even if you don’t like your mother in law, you still need to respect her. At the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and feel proud of what you see. Your mother-in-law carried, birthed and raised the man you married and that alone deserves your respect, even if you like nothing else about her.
Words, actions and facial gestures need to all reflect your inner values.
You may feel more comfortable and trusting with your mother than your mother-in-law when it comes to helping you with the baby, but give your mother-in-law equal time and opportunity to see and love her grandchild. It is unfair for mothers-in-law to feel second fiddle.
Even if you’re not so fond of your mother-in-law, it is a basic act of kindness to allow her to have a relationship with her grandchildren.
“She mostly ignores my existence until she needs something. At that point, she butters me up and is sweet as honey. Then, once she gets what she needs, she continues the cycle of purposeful distance.” Mothers-in-law often feel used and taken advantage of. They continue to give out of desire to have a relationship, but often feel deflated by the results.
Call regularly and maintain a relationship – not because you want to get something out of her, but just for the sake of the relationship.
Zipping the lips is a great idea for both parties, but it’s extra important for daughters-in-laws. As a daughter in law, sometimes you have to swallow your words, bite your tongue, and smile and nod. It’s basic respect. She’s older and the parent of your spouse. For that fact alone, she deserves respect. Undermining her in front of her friends and children is disrespectful and impolite.
If she is hurting you or embarrassing you, you don’t have to withstand it. However, in areas where you can relinquish control, do it. As long as she is saying something that has no real impact, why not just keep quiet?
Smile and nod, and don’t contradict her, even if you know she’s wrong. Get used to the phrase, “Oh, that’s interesting,” even if you emphatically disagree. You can still hear the perspective of the other person without commenting in a dissenting, argumentative way.
Find a way to thank your mother in law regularly. Perhaps she helps with the children, offers financial help, or respects your privacy. Let her know why you feel so fortunate to have her as your mother-in-law.
Even if your mother-in-law is no angel, there is something she’s doing right. Find something to thank her for.
As much as you may want to let off steam, your children are learning how to treat their parents by watching you.
Also, don’t speak negatively about your mother-in-law to your spouse. No one wants to hear that their mother is difficult, even if they know it deep down.
As a daughter-in-law, try to help your mother-in-law in any way she needs. Do dishes, clear the table and tidy up after your children in their home. Bring a gift of flowers when you see them or just because. And if you commit to helping with something, do not flake.
If your mother-in-law is toxic or abusive you have the right and the need to make boundaries. You do not have to accept abuse and can limit your time together to prevent making the relationship worse. Sometimes less is more when it comes to family harmony.
