Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
8 min read
Ancient Jewish wisdom for a happy and passionate marriage.
“God is a genius!”
I remember seeing Jason*, a non-religious 17-year-old high school friend of mine, excitedly walking out of a lecture, looking mesmerized.
My curiosity was piqued—I had to know what the Rabbi had spoken about.
I found out that the topic was Judaism’s family purity laws that require a husband and wife to abstain from physical intimacy during a woman’s menstrual cycle and seven days after. Then, the woman immerses in a mikvah—a ritual bath—and she and her husband are permitted to be intimate once again.
As a teacher to new brides, I often share this story about Jason because if a 17-year-old hormonal kid could find these ancient laws to be proof of God’s brilliance, then surely anyone can appreciate the depth of this commandment.
Although this commandment isn’t easy, it can enhance romance in marriage and help ensure that couples married for a long time continue to enjoy passionate intimacy, even when life gets busy. Rachel was married for ten years when we began to learn about this mitzvah. “I’m completely blown away,” she told me. “This transformed my marriage and saved our intimate life. I wish everyone knew about this mitzvah.”
Below are four benefits one can gain from observing Judaism’s family purity laws.
Everyone wants to be loved, cherished, and desired by his or her spouse. This is a basic need in a healthy relationship. If you don’t feel like your spouse is attentive or craves you in the bedroom, your self-esteem can suffer and your feeling of meaning within the relationship wilts.
The romance and attention we enjoy during the infatuation stage of a relationship is short-lived. Long-term relationships breed familiarity. Familiarity often breeds boredom, which is the kryptonite of passion.
Human nature craves two things when it comes to erotic and physically intimate fulfillment: the forbidden and the novel.
When you reunite physically, the freshness and novelty is palatable.
Temporarily separating satiates those two needs simultaneously. For almost two weeks a month you are forbidden to each other. Therefore, when you reunite physically, the freshness and novelty is palatable.
When I caught up with Hanna a year after her marriage, she said, “I am amazed at how the mikvah night rekindles the passion of our wedding night each month. I don’t know how people stay happily and passionately married long term without this in their lives.”
The emotional and physical aspects of intimacy are intrinsically intertwined, especially for women. The physical pleasure of intimacy increases commensurately with the strengthening of our emotional connection.
During the time of abstention emotional bonding can actually be increased. It is because a couple abstains that they have the opportunity to connect on a deeper level.
Carrie shared with me that it was her husband’s 30th birthday, and she wanted to do something special for him. She knew that a party would be a gift to herself, since her husband doesn’t like attention, but she was stuck on what to purchase for him.
She decided to surprise him with tickets for a trip to Israel. Instead of buying the tickets on the credit card, which might ruin the surprise, she chose to give him a card explaining her gift. The night of his birthday she was niddah—on her menstrual cycle—which would prevent them from touching.
She called me afterward to share a beautiful insight.
“At first, I was aggravated. I could not believe that we would not be able to embrace on such a special occasion. But something unexpected happened…”
While sitting on the couch, she gave him the card and watched him read while his eyes filled with emotion. He looked up at her, and she described how they locked eyes and shared a moment of pure joy. Because they could not touch, they continued looking at each other, full of expression, to fill the space.
“We were both beaming. I know it sounds cheesy, but it was like a scene from a movie. We stared at each other, and sparks flew.”
It was precisely because we could not touch that we used alternate communication to express our love and gratitude.
Although it was an intense moment, she believed she would not have reached that level of connection had they been able to touch. She explained, “It’s hard to admit, but on any other night, I would have handed him the card, we would have hugged and kissed, and that would have been it. It was precisely because we could not touch that we used alternate communication to express our love and gratitude.”
Although counterintuitive, not being able to touch enabled them to connect and communicate in a different and deeper way. When your emotional connection is strengthened, the physical aspect of sex improves as well.
Even in the most challenging of times, for example after giving birth, this mitzvah can help build strong connections. Miriam Ezagui, an Orthodox Jewish digital influencer with nearly two million followers, is a labor and delivery nurse, who shares about misunderstood aspects of Judaism on social media.
Many of her patients are Hassidic and uphold strict observance of this mitzvah.
She states, “Due to blood emissions from the uterus after birth, touching between husband and wife is not permitted. I see such respect between the couples. They convey love and affection towards each other without resorting to physicality. It is beautiful and interesting to see that it is still possible to have deep respect, love, and affection without touch being involved at all.”
For better or worse, humans can adapt to almost anything. Our taste buds become desensitized after the first bite of something new. Similarly, our sense of touch becomes desensitized to pleasurable touch, as well.
No matter how beautiful or seemingly perfect your spouse may be, boredom is sure to arise because of this physiological fact.
A student told me about a friend who was a guy she described as average. “He’s not particularly smart or handsome, but he was dating a girl who was gorgeous and smart. She had a great job and seemed out of his league. They were dating for a while, and then moved in together.”
Whether it’s your favorite restaurant or sexual intimacy, abstaining from something recalibrates your senses and heightens the pleasure.
Shortly after they started living together, he broke up with her. She asked him what happened.
“I was bored.”
Too much of anything good is no longer enjoyable. Whether it’s your favorite restaurant or sexual intimacy, when you abstain from something, it recalibrates your senses and enables your brain to perceive the experience with more pleasure. The freshness bred from abstention creates the “first time” experience again. Suddenly, you can be reawakened to the sheer joy of holding hands, or other forms of casual touch.
What’s the most important organ in sexual function?
The brain.
Surprised?
The brain has the capacity to imagine and create desire when there is space and distance to think and reflect on the person.
Esther Perel, world renowned sex therapist, believes imagination is the bridge where desire can grow and rekindle intimacy.
Perel asked couples in 20 different countries the following question: “When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?”
A few answers surfaced most commonly, irrespective of religion, culture, or gender.
These answers shared a theme of distance. For example, “I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, and then when we reunite.”
“When I am looking at my partner from a comfortable distance.”
“Watching her doing something she is passionate about. Seeing her in her element and succeeding, like onstage or performing.”
Perel explained, “Here again, the partner seems somewhat elusive and distant in this space, and the imagination can spark.”
Space is the playing field for desire to grow, while privacy is also a basic need. It can be hard to create privacy once married. This mitzvah creates boundaries to allow each partner to have the privacy and distance needed for emotional health, and to build desire.
There is a wide range of benefits to the ancient but relevant laws of family purity. Among them, passion, emotional connection, and the time and space to reconnect with yourself. These laws are “genius” and have stood the test of time.
*All names in this article have been changed.
