Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
6 min read
Forget “till death do us part” and “I do.” The Jewish wedding ceremony has a different tagline that reflects the deeper meaning of marriage.
Ever notice that all the classic catchphrases associated with weddings don’t appear in the Jewish wedding ceremony? “Till death do us part,” “in sickness and in health,” “I do,” the infamous call for objections – all these phrases come from Christianity, filtered through the lens of pop culture.
The Jewish wedding ceremony adheres to a different ritual, with a different tagline.
While a typical wedding traditionally culminates in the vows of “I do,” the Jewish wedding (called kiddushin in Hebrew) culminates when the groom offers the bride an object of a minimum value, typically a ring. As he places it on her finger, he states in Hebrew, “Haray at mekudeshet li k'das Moshe v'Yisrael – Behold, you are sanctified to me, according to the laws of Moses and Israel.” With the bride’s acceptance of the ring that expresses her tacit consent, the two enter a marital covenant that binds them together, as one, forever.
What does it actually mean to be sanctified to someone, and to declare someone sanctified to you?
The root of the word mekudeshet comes from the Hebrew word “kodesh,” which literally means holy, separate. The same root is in the word Kiddush, which Jews make Friday night, separating the day of rest from the weekdays. In the times of the ancient Temple in Jerusalem, hekdesh (using that same root word) was property that was designated solely for the use of Temple rituals, thereby separated and sanctified.
You are pledging that you will belong solely to each other.
Jewish marriage is also an act of separation and sanctification. On a basic level, the act of kiddushin results in your partner separating you out from all the other men and women in the world. You are pledging that you will belong solely to each other.
And yet, the language of mekudeshet means more than “You’re only mine,” and “I’m only yours.”
When people describe love, they often speak of feeling a spark or a flaming passion. That’s a beautiful, powerful feeling. But if you’re not careful, flames can burn. And if you don’t tend to them, a fire will extinguish.1
The Jewish wedding ceremony takes the amorphous feeling of love that flares and retreats and transforms it into covenantal relationship. The love is no longer based on the whims of the individuals involved in it; rather, it has become something sacred, a contract that involves not just the two individuals but also God, performed in the presence of the Jewish people. The language “you are sanctified to me” not only says: “When you’re feeling down, I’ll be there.” It also says: “When I’m feeling down, even if and when I’m feeling not so into this marriage - I’ll be there.”
In a world that so often emphasizes following our hearts, where fear of commitment runs rampant, that concept of submitting our desires to the structure of a binding covenant is actually pretty revolutionary.
In Judaism, it echoes the basis of the Jewish belief. At Mount Sinai, the Jewish people entered a covenant with God. They completely dedicated themselves to a Being outside of themselves, committing themselves to follow God’s commandments and connect to Him. That consistent practice of disciplining yourself in service of something bigger than you transforms your very essence, forming the foundation of a deep and loving relationship. And that mutual commitment is reflected in marriage, which in turn makes your commitment to God richer and fuller. Our actions on Earth stir the heavens, and in turn, the actions we do for the sake of heaven stir the Earth.
The words “Haray at mekudeshet li” function on multiple levels. They connect husband and wife to each other, pledging that each will be singled out only for the other. And they model the commitment the two will have with God, placing the couple in a greater context of covenant, the structure of which extends back throughout Jewish history.
Given the similarities between the Jewish wedding ceremony and Jewish covenant as a whole, it is not surprising that ancient Jewish texts refer to the Jewish people’s receiving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai as their wedding day with God. Every year on the holiday of Shavuot, which commemorates the giving of the Torah, the Jewish people renew these marital vows, like newlyweds waiting to unite with their beloved for the first time.
How can you commit to someone for a lifetime when you don’t know who they’ll become?
The Jewish people’s acceptance of the Torah also sheds light on a commonly asked question: How can you commit to someone for a lifetime when you don’t know who they’ll become?
The Jewish nation accepted the Torah with the following statement: “Naaseh v’Nishma -- We will do and then we will understand.” They didn’t ask God to explain every detail of the Torah’s commandments or a prediction of every possibility that could arise from agreeing to it. They knew enough about God’s love to know that they wanted to continue to be in relationship with Him. They knew enough to accept.
Similarly, when two people choose to marry, they aren’t marrying on the guarantee that they possess full knowledge of each other, or that they’ll remain the same for eternity. At some point, you know enough about someone’s love, about someone’s soul. And that’s enough to move forward.
Change is not only okay– it’s necessary. Change is built into the very fabric of the world.
When Moses first met God at the burning bush and asked Him for His name, God said, “I will be what I will be.” God was telling Moses that you cannot ever truly know My Name; you will never know Me completely. But I can promise you that whatever happens, I’ll be with you and remain by your side.
We don’t know what trials we’ll face, but we know that we’ll do it together.
When we agree to marriage, we don’t know who we’ll become, or who our partners will become. We don’t know what trials we’ll face. But we know that we’ll do it together.2
A Jewish marriage is a sacred commitment that aligns a couple not just with each other, but with their relationship with God and the world around them. It’s a path that allows them to deepen all of their relationships – with their own character traits, with each other, with their family and friends, with God. It’s a commitment that extends beyond what you know, that says, I may not know what the future brings, but I accept you unconditionally.
And that is what makes a Jewish marriage holy.
wow