The 4 Pillars of Giving in Marriage

Pillar #1: Keeping It Fresh

Human beings love new things — projects, foods, vacation destinations, gadgets. Nowhere is this more crucial, and more neglected, than in marriage. Freshness in marriage not only serves to generate more passion, interest, and intimacy, it also creates a powerful spillover effect of love, optimism, and well-being that propels the relationship ever higher.

Here are some ideas of small gestures that can really make a difference in keeping things fresh in your marriage:

• Surprise each other with gifts of love, such as flowers, endearing notes, or a fancy dinner date
• Weekly date nights or quarterly short-and-sweet overnight getaways
• Prioritizing freshness in physical intimacy- as simple as a hug hello, a peck on the cheek goodbye, holding hands on the couch

These are a few little things that can really make a difference in keeping things fresh like when you two first got together.

Pillar #2: Gratitude

According to Berkeley Wellness, expressing and perceiving gratitude helps protect marriages from the adverse effects of conflicts. It’s easy to lose your sense of gratitude once you’ve left the honeymoon phase. Over time, your mind shifts, and you start to focus on things that bother you instead of things that you appreciate about your spouse.

Here’s a simple exercise to practice daily gratitude:

• Ask yourself what you’re grateful for today at a specific time, every day
• Ask yourself why you’re grateful to have your significant other by your side
• Actively show that gratitude by saying “thank you” to your spouse when they do something that makes you feel grateful (when they do the dishes, make dinner, or organize the next date night)

These little shifts serve to remind you of what you love about your spouse. Feeling and expressing gratitude allows us to relish in the great experiences we have with the ones we love.

Pillar #3: Respect in All Its Forms

One of the most important things you can do is respect one another, their personal space, and openness to their needs. You want to be there for one another and to listen and allow them to express themselves freely.

Here are some ideas to show one another respect:

• Avoid texting or using your phone while your spouse is talking to you or you are talking to him/her
• Ask them what they want to do for your next date night and do it
• Help them more with their daily habits or routines (such as helping them clean up after dinner or finally fixing that dripping faucet)

Acts of respect can speak volumes, giving the other the feeling that they are the most important thing in your life, and not your boss, or colleague, or client or patient.

Pillar #4: All Depends on “Me”

The job of a spouse could be summed up in one single overarching idea: I need to work on becoming the husband or wife that my spouse needs me to be. One of the most powerful ways to give to my spouse is by taking responsibility for dealing with my own core issues.

Here are a few ways to focus on self-improvement:

• Learn to self-regulate. This means taking responsibility for and control of my thoughts, feelings and responses.
• Figure out what I can do to improve my own behavior and character, including my ability not only to tolerate, but to embrace, my spouse, despite his or her shortcomings.
• Before you walk through your front door, take 20 seconds and focus on the initial greeting that you will give your spouse. Ask yourself: What does he/she deserve right now? What is the right way to greet him/her?

You have the power to build your marriage irrespective of whether your spouse is playing their role properly.

The key is to be constantly at work on one pillar or another. Do it alone. Do it together. Make it a project for date nights. When you feel stale in one area, move to another. When you finish the cycle, restart it. Deepen it. Just keep going.