The Crucial Difference between Love and Respect

If you could only have one, which would you choose: love or respect?

While intertwined, love and respect are different, and each serves a specific purpose in a relationship.

While both represent a basic human need, most women answer that their primary need is love, while most men express that their primary need is respect.

Women crave love and deeply wish to be desired and cherished. Men often desire respect and despise shame. While love is critical for a relationship to flourish, respect oxygenates a relationship. Without both, the relationship can wither.

Chana Cotlar, a relationship expert, explains the difference between love and respect with the following analogy.

A husband is driving home from work and knows that his wife has had a challenging day. He spontaneously takes a detour off the highway to buy her ice cream. He surprises her at the door with her favorite flavor - mint chocolate chip. She opens the door and they are both beaming from his thoughtful gesture.

This man has just expressed his love.

New scenario. Different marriage, different guy. Husband number two is driving home from work and is tensely gripping the steering wheel of his car as he ruminates over his treacherous day at the office. As he drives along the monotonous highway, he decides to take a detour to get himself some ice cream. He is nowhere near the store, but is already dreaming of plopping on the couch and binge-watching Netflix while pouring ice cream down his throat in an attempt to self-soothe.

As he approaches the exit, he receives a desperate phone call from his wife. “Honey, please come home right away, the kids are melting down and the baby vomited. I need you ASAP!”

With a heavy sigh, he thinks, Man…that ice cream will have to wait. Instead of getting off the highway, he drives straight home to help his wife.

This husband just expressed his respect.

What is the difference?

Love is often expressed through what I do for another. Respect is often expressed through what I do not do because of another.

Cotlar states, “Love is often expressed through what I do for another. Respect is often expressed through what I do not do because of another. Love fills space. It reaches out to give and connect, filling the space between two individuals with beauty, warmth, and closeness. Respect creates space. It puts ego, desires, and logic aside to make space for the other.”

Love fills another’s void and bridges the gap between two people emotionally and physically. Respect does the opposite; it creates space, but not in a way that pushes the other away. Respect creates space so one’s partner can enter it. Love creates connection, while respect invites connection. Respect invites the connection, and love secures it. You can’t have love without first having respect.

Filling and creating space are both necessary elements for a successful relationship. Filling space seems like an obvious need, but less obvious is the importance of making space.

Relationship expert Esther Perel states that you cannot have togetherness unless there is separateness. Saying yes fills a space, while saying no creates space. A successful marriage requires balancing filling space for others (love) while at the same time saving space for the other to enter (respect).

Making Space for God

In Judaism, relationships, particularly the spousal relationship, are a metaphor for one’s relationship with God.

Sometimes, Judaism feels like one big no: don’t do this, don’t do that, you can’t have this or you can’t have that. It’s similar to the husband who wanted ice cream, but wasn’t able to have it due to his wife’s immediate need.

There are both positive commandments and actions we refrain from within the framework of Judaism. We express our love to God when we perform positive commandments, such as visiting the sick, praying, and giving charity. Similarly, we make space for God by refraining from certain behaviors, such as following the dietary restrictions of keeping kosher and not speaking lashon hara (slanderous speech).

Refraining isn’t as glamorous or adrenaline-producing as giving or expressing love. But as Chana Cotlar says, “Respect is so much more than ‘not doing’. Within the void of inaction lay a connection and bond that run deeper yet. Listen closely. You’ll hear the voice of pristine altruism in that sacred space — a place in which it is truly about the ‘other’. There are no promises of glamor and excitement; its motivation is pure and simple. This space is just for you.”

When you bring God into your spousal relationship, when you make space for Him, your union becomes an unbreakable bond.

Both love and respect are crucial to a marriage and represent different angles to fostering a deep relationship. Love requires empathizing and reaching out to fill another’s void. Respect requires giving up what we want in the moment for what the other person needs.

Below are some examples of respect and love that you can show your spouse on a regular basis.

Expressions of Love:

• Surprise your spouse with a gift or note, just because.
• Express appreciation by thanking your husband for a specific action he recently did for you.
• Prepare or order her favorite dish or snack.
• Surprise him at work with a small treat.
• Gift her a massage or create a surprise spa day at home.
• Offer to help him with a work-related project, or ease another burden so he can focus on it.
• Plan a date, staycation, or trip to reconnect.
• Communicate in her love language with words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, or quality time.

Expressions of Respect:

• Say “no” to community engagements so you have space in your life to say yes to your spouse’s needs and desires.
• Refrain from answering a text while your spouse is speaking to you.
• Hold back from saying something hurtful in a disagreement.
• Don’t “let it all hang out.” Respect yourself and your spouse by taking care of yourself physically and keeping bathroom moments private.
• Stop trying to multitask while your spouse engages in conversation. Instead, sit with him and give him your undivided attention to hear about his day and his thoughts.
• Respect your spouse’s boundaries by giving her time to cool off when she is upset. Don’t try to force conversation if she is not ready to discuss something difficult.

Learn and practice love and respect within your relationship to achieve a balanced and symbiotic connection with your spouse.