Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
6 min read
Their insights can enhance your marriage.
Divorcees have a lot to teach us married folk. In their quest to understand what went wrong, they often develop more successful strategies with subsequent relationships.1
World-renowned marriage expert John Gottman was divorced twice before he met his current wife and research partner. Together they created one of the most successful marriage consulting groups and have helped millions of couples around the world. They extensively researched why couples divorce, and how they can stay married.2
Here are some game-changing tips from divorcees for creating and sustaining a happy marriage. (If you are in a relationship with someone who is stuck in the three A’s—abuse, addiction, or adultery—and is unwilling to get help, these tips won’t work and may actually do harm. In that case, please seek immediate professional help to ensure your safety.)
Listening requires that you humble yourself and meet the other person where they are. When your child is talking about a lollipop with passion and fervor and all you want to do is respond to your email, you can show love by stepping inside their brain and really understanding them. The same is true of marriage. Your spouse's worries may not be your worries, but you must allow him to have that space and be attentive. Listening is really about making room for the other person.
One divorced woman, now remarried, shared, “A good marriage requires effective communication. Communication is less about saying how we feel and what we need, and more about being an active listener. If we can learn the skill, we will be able to talk things out instead of letting it get the best of us.”
Making sure you have regular, substantial conversation is just as crucial.
Divorced couples were surveyed by Dr. Terri Orbuch on what they wished they had done differently while married. Forty-one percent of participants reported they would have changed how they communicate with their spouse.
When the marriage mostly entails maintenance talk, dissatisfaction will eventually creep into the relationship.
Divorcees noted that their conversations when married were about mundane daily tasks, such as laundry or who would go to parent teacher conferences, what Orbuch calls “maintenance talk.” When the marriage mostly entails maintenance talk, dissatisfaction will eventually creep into the relationship.
Those interviewed said that if they could turn back the hands of time, they would talk more deeply with their spouse, sharing their fears, hopes, and visions for the future. And they would have spoken more affectionately and listened more attentively.3
Dr. Gary Neumann, a marriage expert, found that people who claimed to be dissatisfied in marriage spoke less to each other than 20 minutes a day.4 Make the time to have substantial conversation, and listen intently to avoid dissatisfaction and numbness in marriage.
One divorced woman stressed the importance of a growth mindset. She stated, “Some people say, “This is just who I am. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
This is not a helpful mentality. She said, “Sometimes, you have to go against your nature to work in a partnership. You are in a partnership now, and sometimes you have to go against your nature for things to work out smoothly.”
Instead of digging in your heels, be open to different perspectives and advice and work on constantly growing. Go to therapy if you need it. You can’t fix a garden with a fork. You need to arm yourself with the proper tools, like mentors and counselors in order to succeed.
If you have a void inside, you can’t look to your spouse or anyone else to fill that emptiness. One divorced friend noted, “Divorce has taught me that I need to be whole with myself and not rely on my husband to fill that void. He can absolutely contribute and together we can create something beautiful, but it shouldn’t be the responsibility of the spouse.”
One woman said, “I think creating a successful lasting marriage ultimately always comes back to working on ourselves. Sometimes we don't want to look at our pain or the places where we can’t function. By default, our children and spouses force us to address our own anger, resentment and issues. This is hard but it’s the difference between a successful marriage or not.”
Do you sometimes put your relationship on the bottom of the to-do list, hoping it will take care of itself while you attend to “more important” tasks? This notion can be detrimental to a marriage. Marriages are like gardens and must be tended to daily in order for them to grow and thrive.
One divorced woman shared, “I think a successful marriage is based on two people who are willing to do everything to make it work. Effort is key!”
Making an effort isn’t just about committing. It also requires keeping up with your personal care and making time for fun and spontaneity. You still have to date each other.
Holding on to negative memories can sabotage your present and destroy your marriage. When you release others from the throngs of your anger, you are really freeing yourself from an inner prison.
One woman claimed that things turned sour very shortly after the wedding. They remained married for a while, but she never learned to let go even after they resolved their issues. She constantly brought up the pain of the past despite the fact that both she and her spouse had changed and created a different, more positive marriage together.
She shared, “We would be having a beautiful Friday night dinner together, when I would bring up the past again. I regret it. If I had just learned to forgive, I would probably be happily married today,” she lamented.
Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a commitment. You can choose to move forward.
Marriage requires striving to choose love even when you don’t feel like it. If you have, overall, a healthy, loving relationship, you can follow these simple techniques to strengthen your marriage.
