Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
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Rules mothers-in-law should follow for a successful relationship.
Mother-in-law, here’s what your daughter-in-law wishes you’d put into practice. And in case you are wondering, Hey! What about the things my daughter-in-law needs to hear?! Don’t worry, I got you covered. Click here.
During a harmless conversation, a mother-in-law once casually asked what her daughter-in-law was up to. “Oh, I’m just organizing all of my winter clothing from the closet so that I can store it and make room for my summer clothing. My closet is so tiny.”
Her mother-in-law said, “I think you have a perfectly sized closet!”
The daughter-in-law, a student of mind, was silently seething. She felt judged and angry.
“My mother-in-law is so obnoxious! She’s an empty nester with a huge house. Her master closet is larger than my bedroom! We live in an apartment where every closet is bursting at the seams. How can she tell me how great my closet size is?”
It’s possible that this mother-in-law didn’t mean anything by this comment. Not relevant. Don’t tell your daughter-in-law that she has it good, even if that is what you believe. If she’s being vulnerable enough to complain to you, listen without judgment or opinion. Don’t be a positive Pollyanna when it comes to someone else’s life. And don’t tell her how much harder you had it either.
Parents should never compare their children or children-in-law to others. Such comparisons foster competition and create feelings of inadequacy. They’re definitely not helpful in promoting closeness and unity.
“This apple pie is almost as good as Jessica’s! Don’t worry Samantha, you’ll learn the secret one day.”
Don’t tell your daughter-in-law what a wonderful parent your daughter is or how energetic or responsible other young mothers are.
Even if your daughter-in-law is out of earshot, comparisons will only reinforce your negative feeling for her. Reflecting on any positive traits of your daughter-in-law and sharing them with her is a better way to express positivity.
Mothers-in-law may feel that their daughter-in-law’s parenting could be ruining their grandchildren. In turn, daughters-in-law feel undermined in front of their own children.
Don’t undercut the discipline (or lack thereof) your daughter-in-law uses in parenting. You are the grandparent. That means you have to sit back and watch your grandchildren raised in ways that you feel may feel and not the best.
As much as your advice and supreme knowledge may help, chances are it won’t be well received, appreciated or utilized if it comes from you unsolicited. And even if your daughter-in-law asks for your advice, tread carefully.
Your days of parenting are over. The primary role of the grandparent is to first and foremost enjoy his or her grandchild. Lending support, encouragement and love are also things a grandparent can do. It’s through role modeling, not discipline, that you can have lasting influence. And your mere existence is a reminder of the rich history and ancestry of the family.
But discipline and excessive spoiling do more harm than good. Align yourself with the way your children are raising your grandchildren.
Know your place and you’ll be spared a lot of heartache and strife in the future.
Mothers-in-law should never bully or exclude their daughter-in-law. Unfortunately, it happens all too often—either overtly or via micro-aggressions. Make a policy that you will not accept or stand for bullying or exclusion in your family. Particularly for females, exclusion is a form of bullying.
A student once shared that her three sisters-in-law would often get together without her. “They go to lunch all the time without thinking to ask me.”
Other women shared that their mother-in-law would sometimes host dinner in her home, inviting her children and their spouses, but not her and her husband. “I don’t know if it’s because she hates me or because her daughter hates me, but either way we get excluded.”
This same mother-in-law would often take her daughter and other daughter-in-law on mini vacations, without her. She told me, “They don’t like me, that’s obvious. She sometimes asks me as an afterthought, or when she is already on the way to lunch.”
Exclusion can be covert. One student shared that her mother-in-law would lavish praise onto her daughter and other daughter-in-law, while refraining from saying anything positive to her.
“She would literally tell every other female in the room how beautiful they are or how ravishing they look. Then she would greet me and simply say hello with an awkward pause. She never tells me I’m beautiful or that the dish I made tastes good. I’m a human too, I also want to be complimented.”
It is not only mother in laws guilty of bullying. One of the biggest issues I encounter from married students are challenges with siblings or siblings-in-law. Competition can be fierce, and ostracization happens all too frequently.
As parents, let everyone know that you will not stand for this kind of behavior.
“Guests are like fish. After three days, they start to stink.”
If you’re visiting your children’s city and plan to stay longer than a few days, get a hotel room or rent a vacation home. Do not occupy their personal space for more than a few days. Do not visit for extended periods of time, unless specifically invited.
No matter how positive the relationship, after more than a few days in someone’s home, there is bound to be tension.
When you do visit, offer to help out financially with groceries or any other expenses related to your visit. Don’t hi-jack conversations or attention, especially at hectic times like bedtime and bath time. Try to be as small of a burden as possible, financially, emotionally, or otherwise.
A mother-in-law was volunteering at the local synagogue when the coordinator of an event asked, “Who can make centerpieces?”
She responded, “My daughter-in-law would be great at that! Give her a call.” She gave her number to the coordinator who of course called. This daughter-in-law didn’t mind helping, but many would find this burdensome and intrusive.
Don’t give out a daughter-in-law’s number without her permission, especially when offering her services to others. If you want to help, offer yourself first, and then ask your daughter-in-law if she would like to join you.
Everyone needs privacy. It’s a basic human right; it’s not a luxury. Do not arrive unannounced.
If you offer to assist with the children or to babysit, don’t flake at the last minute. Your daughter-in-law is relying on you for that help, and when you cancel without notice, it makes things a lot harder. Your daughter-in-law would prefer that you not help at all than offer and not show up.
These tips may feel a bit harsh, but trust me, your daughter-in-law is hoping that you’ll take this list to heart. These ideas aren’t for other in-laws – they’re for you. Take heed, and reap the rewards.
