How to Repair Love

Dr. John Gottman, an eminent psychologist who has studied the marriage dynamic for decades, writes that he can predict the longevity of a marriage with high accuracy by observing 15 minutes of conversation between husband and wife. He can tell from their tone of interaction if there is affection and endearment or if there is resentment, sarcasm, and contempt.

When I read of Dr. Gottman’s work I was impressed. But I wondered why it took him 15 minutes to reach his prediction. Wouldn’t sarcasm be detectable even sooner?

As I studied Dr. Gottman’s methodology more deeply, I realized that there was another part to his approach. After an off-putting comment, if one spouse made a repair attempt, would the other spouse accept?

Sharp words could be exchanged in any marriage. The critical factor is what happens next. Is there an attempt to repair the relationship, and is that repair attempt accepted?

Repair attempts can be straightforward apologies using the classic words, “I’m sorry.” More often, the sharp comment might just be followed by a softer comment. If the spouse accepts the tone-down, then the marriage can be back on track. But if the spouse declines the repair attempt, then the conversation can well escalate into defensiveness and attacks. It is at that point that Dr. Gottman feels his prediction is quite accurate.

The Music of Love

Most of our spoken communication has less to do with what is said and much more to do with how it is said. The tone we use, the body language we display, the ambiance we create, all contribute and set the stage for how our communication will be understood.

Perhaps even more important than the tone of an initial comment is the tone of the repair attempt. Judaism believes that people can change. Everyone makes mistakes. And everyone has the power to take charge of difficult situations and repair them.

Often, it is the tone of our voice that can make all the difference.

Try this exercise: Experiment in your mind’s ear with the various ways that the following statements and questions could be made. Go slowly because each could have as many as four or five different tones:

• Did you take out the garbage?
• Are there any carrots left in the fridge?
• It seems like there is a lot of laundry.
• How often do you think couples should have a date night?
• When does the mortgage need to be paid?
• I heard your mother is coming for dinner.

Marriage requires learning the art of diplomacy, sharing your thoughts and feelings in a filtered and respectful way. But sometimes we slip or are misunderstood. If a comment you make comes across insulting, be sure to make a repair attempt. Perhaps a comment you made was a bit harsh because you were tired, hungry, or a bit on edge. Lean in emotionally and try to say something pleasant and complimentary. By doing so, you affirm that the relationship is good and that there is so much that you admire.

A critical or off-putting comment will be taken in perspective. It is just a small issue to address rather than an issue that defines your relationship.

I recall an incident from many years ago when I was not yet married. I was a guest sitting at a very pleasant Shabbat table with numerous other guests. The host graciously invited each of us to share thoughts on any topic that we thought the others might find interesting. Among the guests was a young couple; the husband was a particularly bright person. When it was his turn, he boldly quoted a statistic. He said there are 13 million Jews in the world. His wife hotly responded, “That’s totally not true. There are 17 million.”

I could see the husband's face; he was stunned and insulted. I cringed. Did she have to turn the Shabbat table into a courtroom? I wondered. Wasn’t this supposed to be a place for pleasant conversation?

A few minutes later, the wife wove a compliment about her husband into the conversation. I could see his face ease and even begin to glow as she praised him and how he cared for their children with such parental wisdom. I realized that she knew what she had done earlier was a bit impulsive and inappropriate. A true and open apology might have been awkward and out of place. But she was sending him a clear repair attempt for her indiscretion, and he was clearly receiving her endearing message.

A healthy marriage is built on these repair attempts. In the realities of life, we make mistakes. We’re not angels. Repair attempts make it clear that, even in moments of difference, our loyalty to the relationship is reliable and constant.

The impact of a repair attempt is largely in the tone. When you harness emotions such as love, endearment, and respect in your voice you are sending a message much more powerful than just an apology. A repair attempt can leave a couple in a stronger place than before the off-putting comment was made. That’s why I don’t recommend that you attempt a repair attempt by text messaging or email. No matter how many emojis you add, it is hard to duplicate the power of tone in a sincere human voice.

Marriage communication is like a musical performance. It has highs and lows. Sometimes there are even simultaneous tunes competing with each other. The music of marriage has refrains, and many a chorus – issues that repeat themselves again and again. And then there are special moments when two differing expressions of a melody fuse together to create an even greater experience – harmony.