Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
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Six steps for disconnected couples to move towards connection.
When couples reach a state of contempt for each other, they have lost the ability to see each other as real people who need and want to be loved. Instead, they see each other as enemies who only want to cause pain. To put it bluntly, they have lost their humanity and see each other as monsters who have no genuine human feelings and are incapable of love and nurturing.
This is a huge step for couples who are emotionally disconnected. But the truth is they do need each other in the deepest way, to feel loved and cared about. Perhaps the strongest emotional need in a human being is the need for connection.
To help couples appreciate how much they need each other, I suggest they try to remember a time in their relationship when they experienced the other as caring, safe, and loving. If you had it once, you can reclaim it now. When two people can be vulnerable enough to acknowledge that they need each other, human feelings begin to emerge.
Couples angrily raise their voices because they are trying to get the other person’s attention. They desperately want the other person to see them and care about their struggle to feel loved. When two people recognize that what they deeply long for is to be seen and understood, they begin to calm down, relax, and stop fighting.
Stephen Covey said it best, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Listening is what transforms and heals a broken relationship. What’s required is to stop trying so hard to get your partner to understand you and make a decision to listen and understand your partner’s point of view and his or her unique emotional world. Shifting to a listening stance is what begins the reconnecting process and is what truly heals wounded and discouraged hearts.
Vanessa had no idea that Jeff’s unrelenting criticism and attacks on her inability to keep the house clean was actually a very deep attachment need. Jeff associated taking care of the house with taking care of him. Unfortunately, Jeff could not articulate this as a need because he did not know how to speak about his emotional needs.
The core challenge with couples who are disconnected is learning how talk about their emotional needs and express them clearly and effectively. Lacking this skill, couples resort to aggressive and angry demands which are always met with resistance. Couples connect emotionally when they can tell each other what they need, feel understood, and receive validation from each other.
(For a more thorough explanation and how to apply these ideas, see Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Sue Johnson)
Jon Gottman discovered something amazing about couples who have a good emotional connection. They take advantage of every opportunity to turn towards the other person. I am walking through the kitchen after my workout and instead of heading straight for the shower, I stop and give my wife a squeeze on her shoulder. She turns and smiles. These “bids for connection” show up numerous times throughout the day, and they make a huge difference. Connected couples work hard not to miss an opportunity to turn towards each other.
