Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
4 min read
Marriage advice few people talk about.
I’ve been married for 16 years and here’s what I wish someone had told me before I tied the knot.
It is a commandment in the Torah for a man to please his wife sexually. Interestingly, there is no mention of a woman’s requirement to please her husband. As written in the ketubah, marriage contract, a man must provide his wife with food, clothing, and you guessed it—intimate satisfaction.
In a healthy marriage, ultimate oneness is experience when both husband and wife attain intimate pleasure. If only the husband reaches that end goal, the wife is left frustrated and he has failed to fully provide her with her needs. He needs to realize that giving his wife pleasure is the primary objective and that takes sensitivity, patience and discipline.
For women, it is important to allow your spouse to give to you. Be diligent about your pleasure. It is both okay and necessary to receive it. If you are solely focused on giving pleasure to your husband, you might actually be sabotaging your ability to receive it.
The greatest way a woman gives to her husband is by receiving pleasure from her husband. Mutual satisfaction in the bedroom is a cornerstone of a thriving marriage.
Most people are excited to be vulnerable, to shed the mask that the outside world sees and be loved for who we are. Vulnerability is crucial to developing a lasting relationship, but letting it all hang out can be detrimental and create disconnection.
Healthy boundaries, both physical and emotional, are an important aspect of vulnerability.
Emotionally you don’t have to share every specific detail of your past with your spouse, nor share things that will generate feelings of disgust or contempt.
Additionally, it’s not wise to become so comfortable with your spouse that you let go of yourself physically. Do your best to keep yourself in good shape, look presentable, maintain excellent hygiene, and yes I’m going to say it, keep restroom activity private.
A famous celebrity couple who have outlasted many of their peers’ relationships said that the secret to their relationship’s staying power was “separate toilet rooms.”
Years ago, when my first child was a toddler, I was having a playdate with a good friend. While our kids were playing she confided in me, “Sarah, I feel like you and Adiv are perfect, and always happy. My husband and I fight so much. Like, we really fight. Do you ever go through hardships with your husband?”
Ironically, I thought, Funny you should ask, we were just fighting last night…
I reassured her that we all have our struggles, but that was the moment I realized that everyone thinks everyone else is happy and perfect. Marriage is incredible and can create the deepest joy between two people, but everyone disagrees and struggles at times. That’s just the nature of two people spending extended time together.
Many people think that when the struggles begin, the relationship is doomed. Instead, view it as an opportunity to strengthen your bond through overcoming the struggle.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Every healthy marriage requires constant nurturing.
When couples disagree, they often say, “let’s agree to disagree” in order to diffuse the strife. Here’s another phrase that works even better: “I hear you.”
You can staunchly disagree with your spouse and still hear and understand his perspective. When you use this phrase, your spouse feels validated, even if you disagree completely. And you really can learn from your spouse’s perspective, even if you disagree.
