Iran’s Attack on Israel
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My marriage was over and I needed to do something to mark the magnitude of the occasion.
After almost a quarter of a century, there was no denying it any longer: My marriage was over. With God’s help, my ex-husband and I split relatively amicably.
Through it all, my overall feeling was relief. So I was surprised when shortly after the divorce papers were signed and almost a year after the get had been given, that I suddenly found myself struggling. I’d be driving along, listening to music, perfectly fine, and then I’d burst out with, “Why would you do this!?” Who was I talking to? My ex-husband, maybe. His family. God. Maybe all of the above. Maybe myself.
One day I was in a waiting room, flipping through a Psychology Today magazine. An article about break up rituals caught my eye. The author wrote about the significance of throwing her wedding ring into the ocean and that got me thinking. The man I’d married was gone. My marriage was over. And there hadn’t been a grand farewell. Nothing to mark magnitude of the occasion. It had basically been a bunch of stressful meetings with Rabbis and attorneys and a whole lot of paperwork. Our divorce felt so momentous to me and I felt like it needed something. But what?
When a loved one dies, the family sits shiva for a week. Following the death of my marriage, I decided I would, in a sense, follow the rules of shiva to mark this milestone in my life.
I gave myself one week and decided it would be private. (My divorce had been in the works for so long, I was quite sure that everyone I knew was sick of hearing about it.)
Like a mourner, I sat on the floor, looking at pictures from the earliest years of our marriage.
I had many huge boxes filled with almost 25 years’ worth of family photos, many printed out in the days before photo books and online storage. I’d look through those boxes, study each picture, allowing myself to remember the good and bad times, and process the grief.
Like a mourner, I sat on the floor. Looking at pictures from the earliest years of our marriage was like looking at people I knew once but had lost contact with. We were so young. So naïve. My heart ached for that couple. And especially for the pain we unintentionally inflicted on our innocent children. I cried. I yelled. I tore up some pictures. I held imaginary conversations with ex-relatives with whom I no longer have a relationship, trying to understand them and their place in my life, then and now.
And I sorted my photos into piles – one pile of baby pictures for each of my kids (my oldest child had about 10,000 and my youngest had about 10), as well as a big pile of beautiful memories, vacations, bar mitzvahs, extended family get-togethers, Purim, Hanukkah and group shots at the beach and the park.
I also had a fast-growing pile of garbage. I tossed most of the photos of my ex and me alone, as well as 9,500 baby pictures of my first baby. (Every yawn of his was fascinating at the time and felt worthy of recording.)
For that entire week, I was immersed in my past. I needed to understand where I’d come from, who I was and who I am now in order to heal and move on.
By the end of the week, I had thrown out four trash bags filled with old photo albums and loose photos. I tossed any photos that didn’t have happy feelings associated with it. It felt very cleansing. I was left with a manageable pile of a few hundred or so pictures from 25 years’ worth of good times. I purchased a brand-new photo album and slipped them lovingly inside.
Then I put that photo album away. The week of mourning my marriage was over and it was time to focus on my future.
I’m still a little raw, which is to be expected. Divorce is not a picnic. But the grief is no longer bursting out of me randomly. Sitting shiva for my marriage really helped.
I’m considering marking the 30th-day ‘shloshim’ milestone – maybe with a purge of my clothing closet!
Maybe l should have read the other comments first! After a marriage of 55 years and the death of my wife, l have boxes and boxes of papers, photos and memorabilia still to work through. Now l live with my daughter in another country, near my adult grandchildren, and this article has prompted me to clear some cłutter and move on. In many ways a divorce is a "living death", and the process described is both sane and helpful.
Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your ideas. Divorce was heartbreaking for me. But I continue to love my family a day at a time.
BH' I've had a wonderful marriage for 50 yrs. However, i can emphasize with this lady. I have heard of people sitting shiva for children who went off the derech or other reasons which sounds much more unhealthy than this. I think the concept of shiva is unique and the best way to move on if you require that many days to move on. The important thing is finding a way to move on
Why do people use the term 'move on' so often when talking to divorced people? And why? Is it their discomfort with someone's else's misery?
And what exactly are they insinuating?
Do they mean in this case divorced people will 'move on'to another marriage? More often than not after divorce people are too wary, hurt or mired in loss or other emotions to 'move on'.
Weather you like it or not you will 'move on' as the clock keeps ticking and the sun rising and setting.You make 'moving on' sound like a verb.Something a police officer would say to an individual loafing on the sidewalk....
This was a great article and a great idea as well. You definitely deserve a mourning period when a marriage is over. And yes, do the shloshim closet idea too! It’s a small thing that can help psychologically in a big way. Best of luck to you in your new path!
Don't like this article. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly. This article makes it sound like a simple switch of attitude and application of a perfunctory mourning procedure can purge the intense grief and lifelong damage of divorce. This is not so. Divorce is worse than an amputation. It is a terrible terrible thing and must be avoided at all costs UNLESS IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY AND TOTALLY AND UTTERLY UNAVOIDABLE. It breaks families apart and scars spouses and children for life. Not to be made light of.
i don't think the author was making light of divorce at all. In fact she treated it like a death. don't be so judgmental.
It's a shame rabonim don't think the same way as you and suggest helpful ways of avoiding divorce then.The writer was not 'making light' of divorce she was trying to find a lighter way of coping with the terrible loss abd grief which accompanies divorce yet has no recognised outlet.We don't have any space or occasion in the Jewish world that marks the milestone of divorce like death and a shiva and there's so many individuals waling around bearing the scars which often never heal.
They are a minority with no voice in our communities.
i have to agree with you. I certainly understand the author's actions; and wish her well. Ironically this month of January 24 is the fifteenth year after my very horrible and bitter divorce. I am still struggling and have had years of therapy. Now my body is overweight and i feel unloved and ugly. The Ex-husband (called a "wasband/he Was a husband;) has been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. His Lady-friend; has kidney malfunction and had a stroke. I am physically very healthy and mentally a bit of a mess. It is so destructive to the life i had dreamed of; being in love with him and aging together....ugh
Hi.You're in very good company.
Chin up💪You're worth a lot more than what you're feeling right now...remember feelings are not facts.
There's a number of ppl out here who feel like you so at least we aren't really alone.Just lonely ❤👋
VERY NICELY WRITTEN
I can completely relate to you sitting "Shiva" for your marriage. It is a death. I was married for 25 years and have been divorced for 15 years. I have a good relationship with my ex and finally do not refer to him as my husband any longer. I try to remember the good memories and when I miss him I remember the other, which helps! I think what you did was very healthy. Thank you for sharing your story.