4 Important Insights I Learned About Marriage — The Hard Way

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November 20, 2022

6 min read

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Little actions numerous times a day make the difference.

1. Say Thank You: How to Appreciate Your Spouse

One of the best ways to grow your love is to value and respect your spouse, and one practical way to do this is to consistently express sincere and specific appreciation. There’s no such thing as too much gratitude.

An easy way to implement this is to say thank you numerous times a day.

For years I took my husband for granted. It’s not that I didn’t thank him, but I didn’t fully appreciate all the small things he did. The more stories I hear about other people’s spouses and the challenges other women face with their spouses, the more I realize that the small things in life are really big things.

Every morning, my husband gets up and goes to work. He handles the bills. He takes out the garbage. He sets the house alarm each night. I wasn’t thanking him for the things I expected him to do.

Now, I thank him for something specific, as many times as possible a day. I don’t just say, “You’re the best, honey. Love you!” I think about a specific action he did and thank him for it.

Two things happened. My spouse felt respected and appreciated. And I started loving him even more than I already did.

As soon as I started practicing this form of active gratitude, I noticed a dramatic change. Two things happened. My spouse felt respected and appreciated. And I started loving him even more than I already did.

We all want to feel appreciated. Finding creative ways to share our appreciation can add to the pleasure, and the sky’s the limit. Leaving Post-it notes on his desk, cards under the pillow, or writing on mirrors are a few simple yet thoughtful examples.

My husband always says, “I don’t need the thanks.” Well, guess what? I need it. I need to recognize all that my spouse does. I need to grow my love for him. I need to appreciate and understand all he does for our marriage and our family.

2. You’re On the Same Team

It takes time for a couple to really feel that they’re on the same team and present a unified front. We may initially feel an allegiance towards our parents or family over our spouse.

I share the following advice with brides-to-be. “At some point during your marriage someone in your family is going to disappoint you. You may start to realize your ‘perfect’ parents are actually very flawed. A sibling may disrespect your spouse or a friend might upset you gravely. At that moment, you will look at your spouse and realize: it’s just you and him. All you really have is each other.

Once you realize you are a team, together you can withstand any challenge.

When I was a child, my grandmother was fond of teaching this French proverb:

“If you want to have a happy marriage you have to go into hiding.”

Once you realize you are a team, together you can withstand any challenge.

I had no idea what she was saying. Now I understand she was talking about creating an exclusive bond with your spouse that takes precedence over all else.

Under the marriage canopy, we walk around our spouses seven times symbolizing the creation of a home. At the same time, the seven circles create a boundary to the outside world.

In Hebrew the word “bidud” means separation from others. “Badad” (the same letters) means closeness. When you create an exclusive bond with your spouse, together you create a closeness that is unbreakable.

When someone approaches me with frustrations regarding in-law drama, the first question I ask is, “What does your husband think?” Inevitably the two of them are not on the same page regarding this issue. Once they present a united front, they are able to withstand most challenges. Ultimately, what matters most is not what the in-laws (or anyone) say or do, it’s how the couple reacts. If they stick together and back one another up they can withstand anything. If not, even the slightest insult can turn into an all-out war.

3. Give Up Control

When my husband and I first got married, I quickly realized we have different driving styles (euphemism). He would stop too close to the car in front of us and I would grip the sides of my seat and suck in air between my teeth.

“What's wrong?” he would ask defensively.

I managed to eke out, “Oh nothing…Everything is fine,” while silently thanking God I was still alive. I had decided that he didn’t know how to drive safely. The fact that he navigated challenging NYC streets impeccably meant nothing to me at the time. I felt my job was to “help” him, and thus began my back seat driving, which only led to greater frustration and him feeling that I’m criticizing him and don’t respect him.

I have since developed a new approach. Because my husband is in fact a safe driver, I close my mouth and let him drive the way he knows best. There have been times where he is confidently driving in the opposite direction of where we need to go and even then I don't say a word. I just smile (not the I-know-better-than-you smug smile, but a genuine smile). Instead of trying to control him, which doesn’t work anyway, I enjoy closeness and pleasant conversation with him while in the car.

Control and intimacy live on polar opposite sides of the spectrum. The more control/“help” we exert, the less intimacy we experience. When we let go of control, we enjoy the glorious benefits of intimacy.

4. Prioritize Your Spouse

One of the biggest mistakes I made in my early married life was prioritizing the kids' needs over my husband.

It snuck up on me. I didn’t even realize I was putting everything else in my day before my husband. Work was scheduled, writing time was scheduled, even walks with friends were scheduled. But time with my husband wasn't scheduled. Life became so hectic that by the time evening came, I had no energy left.

We didn’t fight about it. He never told me he was upset, but time was slipping us by and I wanted to start taking advantage of our years together.

You need to learn to say no to work, to your children, to the community and to friends so that you have energy for your spouse.

Here are three things you can do to ensure that your spouse is your priority:

  1. Schedule time with your spouse. Whether it is a walk, lunch date or just hang out time, schedule it in and honor it like you would anything else.
  2. Spend time together as much as possible before you have children. Afterwards, you have to pay someone just to leave the house.
  3. Start saying no: to the community, to friends and even to your kids. Your relationship will outlast the years that your children are home and therefore, your spouse deserves your A game
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