Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
6 min read
I know these work because I’ve learned them the hard way.
After 16 years of marriage, I’ve learned a few things…the hard way. Here are four more practical tips that can transform your marriage.
One night, I was working on an article when my husband approached me to talk. I respectfully asked him to wait a few minutes so that I could finish my thought. He waited patiently, but then I got caught up in my work and after a bit of time, he stood up and started to walk away.
I glanced up. “Are you upset?”
“No,” he said, “I just don’t want to compete.”
I could feel the hypocrisy oozing out from inside of me, especially because I lecture about prioritizing spouses so often.
We all struggle with tearing away from technology because of its addictive nature. Furthermore, a phone is not just a phone these days. It’s our wallet, our email, our music, our camera, and our documents—it’s not one thing, it’s everything.
The trouble starts when everything else becomes our priority. No one wants to play second fiddle to a device.
The moment my husband walked away was transformative. It wasn’t dramatic, but it left me with a piercing sense of truth. If these moments kept occurring, what would I be left with? My laptop and my thoughts, instead of a doting spouse?
John Gottman, a marriage expert, was able to predict within 91% accuracy which couples would divorce after only five minutes of watching their interactions on video.
He claims that it doesn’t matter if couples agree or disagree, but whether they are attentive to one another. This requires listening, and putting down the phones and other distractions when one spouse wants to connect.
Gottman calls these moments of connection “bids for attention.” He explains that happy couples constantly make and accept bids. For example, while being filmed for Gottman’s study, one couple was sitting together at the breakfast table. The husband was looking at the newspaper when his wife said, “Hey, look at the beautiful hummingbird outside the window.”
The hummingbird is more than scenery; it was actually the wife’s bid for attention. But bids do not just come in the form of conversation. For example, a wink or a love-tap can also be a bid.
Gottman explains, “Bids are subtle, because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, ‘Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!’ So instead, we reach out, hoping to receive a connection in return.”
Relationships are built from the daily, small gestures rather than larger moments. When our bids are rejected, we begin to feel frustrated. Each time we turn away from our spouse’s bid, it is damaging to the relationship, and slowly chips away at the foundation. When our bids are accepted, we feel respected and trust builds.
Whatever is important to your spouse, even if it’s trivial, needs to become important to you. Because ultimately, it’s not about the hummingbird; it’s about making him feel important.
Make your motto, “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me,” and see how your relationship soars.
Most people advise newlyweds, “Never go to sleep angry.” Leona Fallas, a woman who has been happily married for 70 years, strongly disagrees.
“It’s alright if you go to bed angry. You don’t have to make everything lovey-dovey and smooth things over immediately. If it is that important, it can wait, and if not, it will disappear. In fact, the first answer isn’t always the best answer. In the heat of the moment when emotions are high is not the most effective time to calmly work towards a peaceful resolution. Don’t jump. You love each other. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and sleep on it.”
A student of mine confided, “For years I thought you were supposed to never go to bed angry. So, what happened? We would spend hours fighting, late into the night, and get nowhere.
“Now I say, ‘Honey, I’m tired… I love you, let’s just sleep on this.’ And we usually wake up with a new perspective and more energy.”
We’ve been put on this Earth to give; not to get. When I tell this to students who are struggling in their marriage, they say, “I feel like I am giving, and it’s not working. I give and give and give, and I don't feel like he even appreciates it. It’s never enough.”
Of course, these women are giving of themselves, but have they stepped inside the mind of their husband to understand what type of giving he needs to receive in order to feel loved?
Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages explains that everyone has a primary love language. They are: acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, and quality time. Most people have a preferred love language, and when that gets fulfilled, they feel truly loved and understood. We can learn our partner’s love language and then fill up his or her emotional tank. You may be buying gifts for your spouse all the time, but if your spouse doesn’t feel comfortable receiving gifts, you are both going to feel frustrated. Or you might be rearranging your schedule to spend more time with your spouse, when all he really wants is genuine, affirmative words.
Hone in on your spouse’s love language and you will see a positive change in your marriage!
In-laws can be a powerful force in a relationship, but with the right approach, we can draw them close and become allies. This tightrope of control is simple: the more you give, the more you get. Give your mother in-law the feeling of control that she seeks, and she will loosen her grip.
When first married, I would call my mother-in-law daily. This is probably uncommon, and I worried it was too much, but my father-in-law casually told my husband how happy my calling made her.
Include your mother-in-law in your life, whenever you can. Call her, ask for advice, or even recipes. No one thrives when they feel expendable. This is a way of honoring her, by showing her that she is important to you and your life.
The more you include her, the less she will feel the need to encroach. Try to use the utmost respect in your approach. Treat your mother-in-law as though she is a queen by expressing gratitude whenever possible. After all, she carried, bore, and raised the person you found worthy to marry.
