An Open Letter to University Presidents
4 min read
More marriage tips I learned the hard way.
Marriage requires attention, nurturing and devotion. Here are some key elements that have helped me create a solid foundation with my spouse.
Imagine your friend gets engaged and she sends you a picture where they’re both radiating with joy.
At the engagement party, she blushes and gushes, “He is just amazing! He’ll make every rent payment in a timely manner! And get this—tuition will also be paid monthly. He’s going to take the car to the shop when it’s needed, and call the handyman whenever necessary!”
Simultaneously, he shares with his friends, “I’m such a lucky guy! I just know that when we have kids, she is going to find the best pediatrician, and there will be no better carpool driver. Her multitasking is amazing, and she will be so good at cleaning the house.”
No one would describe their future spouse in this manner. Yet, somehow after being married for some time, this description isn’t so crazy.
You didn’t marry your spouse for what he or she could accomplish in a 24-hour period. You fell in love with his or her depth and inner beauty. But routine and mundane tasks can become the focus, pushing the relationship to the wayside.
Building in structured dates and alone time can help combat this phenomenon.
Gary Neuman, bestselling author and marriage therapist, suggests a few rules regarding date night.1
Every date needs variety. In a recent TED talk, relationship expert Esther Perel shares that variety and surprise are of utmost importance to keeping the flames of passion alive in our most intimate relationship.
Neuman shares that the greatest pushback he gets from couples is, “What is there left to talk about if not the kids or money?”
Before you were married, you found plenty to discuss! The children will eventually leave the home, so it’s vital to nurture the relationship with your spouse.
Creating time alone together with your partner is the most important thing you can do to make yourself happy and stoke the coals of love that once were aflame. When the set time approaches, agree to put your cell phones away and focus on one another.2
One evening, I had finally put the kids to sleep, and the house was calm after a hectic day. Ten minutes into my silent serenade, my husband walked into the house in the midst of a loud, stressful work call.
The energy in the house changed instantly. I saw firsthand what someone else’s stress did to my inner sense of calm. Although it wasn’t drastic or earth-shattering, the moment was eye-opening. I realized that when I am stressed and overly busy, it affects not just my day, but my entire household’s day. As a mother and wife, my attitude, stress levels, and tone of voice can influence a whole crew of people—for better or worse.
I took that glimpse of a moment and resolved to cut back and delegate so that my inner stresses would not take over the vibe in our home.
Energy never goes away; it’s simply transferred. If the energy of one person in the house starts to deteriorate, other members of the household absorb it. Stress affects us all.
If your face is unhappy those around you will absorb that negativity. Being stressed isn’t attractive. It depletes us, and prevents us from living our best life.
It is important to manage our own internal stress so that when you are with your family, you can enjoy the time together. We can manage stress by cutting back, delegating, and finding healthy outlets for stress, like exercise, meditation, or music.
At the dinner table, my children each have so much to say that it’s hard for them to wait their turn to start speaking. I see that when one child is speaking, the rest are merely waiting with bated breath so they don’t forget what they want to tell me.
Listening is a skill, and it takes time for children to master the process of not just holding their thoughts in their mind, but actually taking interest in what other people want to share.
Some people never succeed in becoming true listeners. Repeating statements in your own words helps you to understand, and it helps the other person know that you understand.
When the conversation is emotionally charged, sometimes tension can dissolve just by allowing each spouse to feel heard.
Listening, not speaking, and reflecting back what we hear is the core of communication. Learn to use it, and reap the benefits.
