Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
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Practical tools for building a blissful marriage.
No matter how good your marriage is, it can always get better. Kick your marriage up a notch by following these five simple guidelines to create a G-R-E-A-T marriage.
Gratitude is the easiest and fastest way to increase harmony in relationships. In fact, Laura Doyle, bestselling author and relationship coach, surveyed men around the world, asking them, “What makes you happiest?” The most common answer was, “I am happiest when my spouse/partner is happy.”
You might be thinking: Well, my partner didn’t get that memo! He doesn’t seem to care about my happiness.
The truth is, the default mode of emotionally healthy men and women is to want to please their spouses. The problems start when your spouse seems insatiable. When you don’t think your spouse is able to be pleased, you give up. And it goes both ways – expressing gratitude consistently shows that you can be pleased, which motivates your spouse to take action.
Expressing consistent and daily gratitude also provides your spouse with a “pleasure compass,” a pathway that illuminates how to please you. Your expression of gratitude shows your spouse know what you want.
Have you ever tried to give something to someone and they didn’t want to take it? They were probably trying to be polite, but it doesn’t feel good to be deprived of giving. If you don’t allow yourself to receive from others, especially your spouse, you are robbing them of the deep-seated pleasure of giving.
Receiving from your spouse graciously gives him or her a feeling of empowerment and increases their love for you.
Suppose your spouse surprises you one evening with a bouquet of flowers.
You think, Oh. That’s sweet and all, except they look really inexpensive. I would rather no flowers than cheap flowers.
Your response options:
Outright criticism.
Thank him verbally but imply disappointment.
Or lie.
The best option is to receive them graciously and focus on his thoughtfulness.
In this example the husband gives physically. If the wife receives with grace, she gives spiritually.
When your spouse bids for your attention and you just grunt and continue looking at your phone, it can leave him feeling empty inside. The feeling of being married to someone who doesn’t care about what you have to say, or can’t empathize with you, can be more isolating than being physically alone.
For example, your spouse may come home and say, “Honey, work was really hard today, my boss yelled at me for no reason.”
Only half-listening, you make a noise of acknowledgement and return to cooking dinner, when he was really seeking comfort and your attention.
Empathy requires real interest. It is important to actively listen, make eye contact, and show support, without trying to come up with a solution. This is one of the simplest ways to make your spouse feel loved and cared for and respected.
When you anticipate your spouse’s needs and fulfill them, you show him tremendous respect and love.
You can practice this in the following ways:
These small gestures show him not only that you care, but that you are attuned to his needs.
If I see that my husband’s phone or laptop is low on battery, I place it on the charger for him. If he seems depleted, I suggest that he do something energizing just for himself, and once even encouraged him to take a trip to Israel for a spiritual rejuvenation.
Divorced couples were surveyed by Dr. Terri Orbuch on what they wished they had done differently while married. Forty-one percent of participants reported they would have changed how they communicate with their spouse.
Divorcees noted that their conversations when married were about mundane daily tasks, such as laundry or who would go to parent teacher conferences, what Orbuch calls “maintenance talk”. When the marriage mostly entails maintenance talk, dissatisfaction will eventually creep into the relationship.
Those interviewed said that if they could turn back the hands of time, they would talk more deeply with their spouse, sharing their fears, hopes, and visions for the future; they would speak more affectionately and listen more attentively.
Dr. Gary Neumann, a marriage expert, found that people who claimed to be dissatisfied in marriage spoke less than 20 minutes a day to each other. Make the time to have substantial conversation, and listen attentively to avoid dissatisfaction and numbness in marriage.
These tips can really transform your marriage from good to GREAT. Try them and see the benefits yourself.
Reprinted in part form Sarah Pachter’s book Is It Ever Enough? A Journey Toward Joyful Living
