Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
4 min read
Practical wisdom on improving your marriage.
No one is immune from the strains that lead a couple to separate or divorce. What do happy couples do to keep their relationship strong?
Happy couples feel secure enough to express feelings easily. In times of stress they don’t shut down or shut out. They have an open dialogue, discuss whatever is happening, and are not afraid to be vulnerable and share thoughts and fears with each other.
You know that you are in a solid relationship when the first person you want to call with great news is your partner. You share news of your promotion and he wants to celebrate with you. There is no jealousy, no snarky comments, only happiness.
Judaism teaches that a husband and wife are one entity. You experience each other’s pain and joy. Whether it is success or sadness, life is face together, in unison. It’s not “my headache” or “my situation.” We are in this together. And when I go through something, wonderful or difficult, you are the one I reach out to.
When you were dating, your curiosity about each other was endless. Happy couples stay curious and interested. Being inquisitive keeps the connection alive. Expand your conversation beyond what to watch on Netflix. Talk, share, and don’t grow indifferent or apathetic.
It’s easy to assume that your partner is being intentionally hurtful or selfish. “She never forgets to pick up her own things at the cleaners, only mine.” “He is so insensitive. He knows how much I can’t stand waiting at a restaurant and he came late anyway.”
Presuming that the person you love most in the world is deliberately careless, even purposely spiteful, damages your relationship.
Judaism teaches, “Do not judge another until you have reached his place.” Put yourself in their shoes. Feel what they are feeling. This enables you to gain understanding and limit conflict. Maybe they had an overwhelming day, maybe they got stuck in awful traffic.
Letting go of your judgmental attitude uplifts the atmosphere and enriches your relationship.
Instead of accusing, begin the conversation by saying, “I know you are usually sensitive to my feelings, that’s why I am hurting that you said/did…” Once you open up the conversation without being critical, you are able to better voice your thoughts and discover resolution for the future.
Happy couples have a healthy sense of autonomy – not as two separate teams, but as cheerleaders for each other on the same team. They feel secure enough to allow their partner to seek pastimes that bring them relaxation and fulfillment.
Be interested in your partner’s pursuits. It doesn’t mean that you need to enjoy the same activities or even understand why they do. I love to walk miles each day, my husband enjoys racquetball and a game of chess. We each find joy in our own way and then share good feelings together.
Little moments keep you bonded. Tenderness brings you to a place of affection and love. Those nicknames that only you use, the inside jokes, words of warmth, hugs just because, remain with you as you go through your seasons of life. Happy couples don’t lose the daily opportunities they have to build trust and embrace one another through their gentle spirit.
Your quality of life is dependent on the quality of your relationships. Happy couples are aware of their words, tempo, and body language. They know that no matter how upset or angry they are feeling, there are boundaries they dare not cross. They treat one another with respect and dignity.
Keeping the tone in your relationship respectful means losing the cheap shots, profanity, mudslinging, and bringing up of past mistakes. A disparaging remark or flippant obscenity can be incredibly destructive. One harsh word or critical look can bring your partner to a place of pain and feelings of worthlessness.
Relationships based on mutual respect, tenderness, and genuine interest protect you from living in a state of loneliness, despite having a significant other. Distancing yourself from being overly judgmental, while creating a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings, sharing the joy of hobbies and outlets, and your personal ups and downs, nurture the love needed to build an everlasting connection.
LOL! I looked to see if "lots of sex" made the Top 7. It didn't. But it's GOTTA be in the Top 10, right?
"Keep the tone respectful"
The most wise advice.
Not at all the norm these days, very sadly.
If there is no respect, there is no love, and if there is, is a sick love.
So true. Loved how each of these points touched on emotional health.
The lack of any of them certainly does seem to allow for sickness.
When something seems off in oneself or in their spouse, their empathy, communication and respect rightly help them seek out sensible solutions.
We've seen a number of people whose emotions were awfully affected by a physical ailment, allergen, infection, poisoning, contaminated water, or some other treatable cause that was irritating them. Acting out of character can be one of the first signs and is too often missed or mistaken. These 7 positive outlooks are great for prevention of both physical and emotional pathology.