Muslim and Jewish Families Save Each Other, 50 Years Apart
4 min read
4 min read
Ester Perel on connection, curiosity and individuality.
Today’s dating world is challenging. It is sometimes hard to know the best way to handle the dating process even when you have found someone that you like. What should you focus on? How do you really get to know someone?
Dr. Esther Perel is a Belgian-born psychotherapist and the daughter of Holocaust survivors. She has often spoken about how growing up around survivors shaped her understanding of resilience, intimacy, and human connection. Over more than three decades, she has counseled couples across cultures, authored the bestselling books Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, and hosted the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? When she speaks about human connection, she draws not only from psychological theory, but from decades of clinical work with thousands of real couples.
"The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life." -- Esther Perel
Here are Ester’s top four dating tips.
Be curious about your partner and stop assuming you know them. Relationships deteriorate when you are no longer genuinely interested in each other.
Curiosity builds emotional intimacy. Ask questions that dig beneath the surface: What has been draining or energizing for you lately? What version of yourself do you miss? What are you longing for right now?
Ester teaches that listening is one of the most profound acts of generosity. Jewish wisdom teaches us that not only can you learn from every person, but that every person represents a whole world. There is always so much more to learn about your partner.
You cannot create “instant” intimacy by sharing too much too quickly. There are no shortcuts for building trust.
Revealing everything about yourself too early can lead to intensity without real trust. Allow the relationship to naturally evolve. Ester teaches that trust is built in small movements. Modesty is not just about how you dress. It is also about how you speak and what you choose to reveal about yourself. As King Solomon wrote, “Those that are private will achieve wisdom.” (Proverbs 11:2)
A strong relationship is a careful balance between independence and connection. Don’t rely on the relationship for your identity. Keep your own friendships, interests and goals.
Ester teaches that a good relationship allows you to become more of yourself, not less. Your partner is not there to complete you but to expand you. As the Hillel the Elder taught, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” (Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14) You are responsible for creating and maintaining a life that does not depend on the relationship.
Do you find yourself canceling dates with friends and skipping workouts that used to be essential for you? Ester teaches that if you sacrifice too much of yourself for the relationship, eventually there will be less of you to love.
Natural attraction matters far less than emotional maturity. Watch how your partner deals with challenges: Do they automatically become defensive? Can they tolerate disagreements? Can they apologize when they make a mistake?
Rabbi Sacks taught: “Those who have humility are open to things greater than themselves while those who lack it are not. That is why those who lack it make you feel small, while those who have it make you feel enlarged.”
Ester teaches that true maturity is being able to handle ambiguity, and that in the beginning stages of a relationship, you should watch for emotional language. How do they view their mistakes? Do they take accountability or blame others? How do they speak about previous relationships? Are all their exes “crazy?” How you handle challenges and how you speak about the past reveal volumes about your capacity for long term commitment and your ability to take accountability for your actions.
A close, trusting relationship is a worthwhile, life-changing investment that takes time to build. Most people date hoping to find the right person. Ester Perel's insight is simpler and harder: become the right person. Stay curious, stay whole, and pay attention.
As Rabbi Sacks put it: "Love transforms us. It makes us beautiful in the eyes of those who love us. It makes us real."
