36 Questions to Build Emotional Intimacy

When an old college acquaintance speculated to her that "given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone," Mandy Len Catron invited him to see if it was possible. The two of them followed the guidelines of an experiment that Arthur Aron, a psychologist, conducted in the 1990s. It paired together university students who didn't know each other and had them ask a series of 36 increasingly personal questions. Catron and her friend asked each other those questions and then stared into each other's eyes for four minutes.

They fell in love.

Catron says that the experiment worked because it created a sense of trust and closeness that engendered emotional intimacy, the essential foundation to a relationship.

The questions require each person to gradually open up to each other by sharing increasingly in-depth ideas, feelings, thoughts, and impressions. Making progressively personal disclosures and hearing similar ones from another person helps two people feel a growing sense of connection and trust. Because the questions gradually become more probing, Catron "didn't notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there, a process that can typically take weeks or months".

Many people go out with each other for weeks or months without learning very much about their feelings, how each other thinks, what they value, how they approach life, and what gives their lives meaning. Asking these questions is a powerful way to do this.

While asking Dr. Aron's 36 questions on one date might jump-start the process of building emotional intimacy, we think it's a better idea to space them out over a period of time. Most people feel more comfortable gradually getting to know each other and slowly increasing their sense of trust so that they can reveal more of their vulnerabilities. There are other elements of emotional intimacy that need time to take root and grow – elements like shared experiences, loyalty, dependence, and commitment. And love, the emotion that Catron hoped to be able to create, depends on a lot more than emotional intimacy.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.