Why We Don’t Care that Lorde Boycotted Israel

December 31, 2017

3 min read


In Israel we don’t "wait for the green light." We honk when the light turns yellow.

Lorde, the New Zealand singer, decided to cancel her concert in Israel. She's not the first and unfortunately probably not the last. But we don’t care. Having Lorde in Israel would have been bad anyway.

Here are some reasons why most Israelis don’t care that Lorde and other singers did not perform in Israel…

Lorde’s Song Green Light

Lorde sings songs like "wait for the green light." Don’t try to change Israeli society and tell us how to drive! In Israel we don’t wait for greens. We start beeping when the light turns yellow.

Hunger Games

Lorde is famous for the Hunger Games song Yellow Flicker Beat. Hunger is not a game to us. Israelis take hunger very seriously. We try to avoid it like the ten plagues by eating things like rugelach, falafel and shawarma. And laffa. And couscous. OK, sorry I’ll stop now. And hummus.

Her Name

She was born Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor but changed her name to Lorde. It takes a lot of chutzpah to change your name to the Creator. We have enough visitors to Israel who get “Jerusalem Syndrome” and claim to be a deity, we don’t need another.

Lorde Plays Netball

Apparently Lorde is a fan of something called “Netball” – it’s like team handball, on a basketball court, with no backboard or dribbling, and they use a volleyball. Lorde, who are you trying to kid? This is not a sport. It is something that the kids who get picked last at recess play. We don’t need any more people in Israel who support this fake sport. We already have our own fake sport. It’s called matkot.

Lorde is from New Zealand Where They Have Considered Banning Kosher Slaughter

If I can’t get local kosher meat in your country, I am not coming. How about that?!

I Have Never Listened to a 21 Year Old’s Political Opinions

Lorde is 21 years old. Her brain is not even fully formed. There is a reason why we quarantine those people in colleges.

I Don’t Have the Money to Go to the Show

Israel is an expensive country to live in so I am not going to waste my once a year show allowance on watching you sing Royals, when I can go to any karaoke joint in Israel and hear any group of teenage girls singing it for free.

Now I Have Money to Go See Israeli Singers Perform

Your boycott of Israel and cancelling of your performance frees up my show allowance to see multiple Israeli artists. See, Lorde, your boycott is bringing more money into Israel. Take that!

Great Singers Come to Israel

The main reason we don’t care about Lorde and the rest of the artists who’ve boycotted Israel is because the great artists come to Israel. Here’s a partial list thanks to Wikipedia where I did all of my research for this article:

Elton John, Leonard Cohen, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Metallica, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Radiohead, the Pixies, Aerosmith, Guns and Roses, Eric Clapton, Rod Stewart, Depeche Mode, Rolling Stones, Alicia Keys, Britney Spears, Tom Jones, and Bon Jovi. And the list goes on. I forgot to mention my favorite, Justin Bieber.

As much as I love these artists and thank them for their support of Israel, I must be honest and tell them that I still can’t afford to go to their shows.

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