The BBC Broke Her Because She’s a Jew
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Homework battles, lost sweaters, endless reminders. When encouragement and rewards stop working, the real issue may lie deeper than motivation. Here’s how to help your child build what’s missing.
What helps a child succeed?
We often think of motivation, effort, consistency, and encouragement. We teach children what's expected, recognize their efforts, and encourage them to keep trying.
And for many children, that works beautifully. But sometimes, despite understanding what's expected and genuinely wanting to succeed, a child continues to struggle.
Homework becomes a daily battle. Getting out the door becomes a challenge. A simple request feels overwhelming.
What are we missing?
Success depends on more than motivation. It also requires the developmental skills to turn intentions into action.
Understanding those skills can transform the way we guide our children.
Jewish tradition offers a powerful concept called chinuch, often translated as education. But chinuch extends far beyond academics, discipline, or teaching children how to behave.
It's about guiding the development of the whole child—intellectually, emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually.
The biblical wisdom of “Chanoch lana'ar al pi darko”—educate a child according to his way (Proverbs 22:6)—offers a striking perspective.
Before we can guide a child effectively, we need to understand the child we're guiding. Not the child we expect them to be. Not the child their sibling was at the same age. The child standing in front of us.
Many of our expectations assume that children already possess the skills needed to carry them out. We focus on encouraging them to use those skills consistently.
Yet everyday tasks rely on a complex interaction of developmental abilities, including planning, sequencing, attention, emotional regulation, and coordination.
These abilities develop at different rates and don't always emerge together. A child may be capable in one area while still needing significant support in another.
Understanding a child’s individual developmental profile helps us recognize where to build, rather than simply where to expect more.
Imagine being asked to juggle three balls while someone repeatedly tells you to concentrate harder.
You understand the instruction and want to succeed. But understanding what to do doesn't mean you can coordinate the necessary skills.
Now imagine being offered a sticker every time you succeed. Would the sticker teach you to juggle?
This is what some children experience every day.
Effort and encouragement matter, but skills develop through experience, practice, and appropriately supported challenges.
When we think about raising capable children, the question becomes bigger than whether they're following instructions. What capacity does this child need to develop in order to succeed? That requires recognizing that children develop at different rates and that effective guidance accounts for their individual abilities.
Chinuch, education, in its deeper sense, cultivates the abilities that eventually allow a child to direct themselves.
Consider a few familiar situations where parents may find themselves frustrated, even though their child knows exactly what's expected.
You've reminded him three times to get his shoes, coat, and schoolbag. He knows the morning routine. So why is he still standing in the hallway without his shoes?
Getting ready requires holding several instructions in mind, organizing them in sequence, and staying focused long enough to finish.
Try this: Start with one instruction rather than repeating the entire list. Once he's successful, gradually build toward managing two or three steps independently. You're developing sequencing and working memory, not simply demanding faster compliance.
She understands the material and can answer the questions when you're sitting beside her. But the moment you ask her to complete the work independently, she complains, procrastinates, or finds every possible reason to avoid getting started.
The difficulty may not be the academic work itself. Getting started, sustaining attention, and managing a task that feels endless require additional skills.
Try this: For younger children, make it a game: “How many minutes do you think these five questions will take? Can we beat the timer?”
For older children, set a timer for ten minutes and say, “Let's see how much you can get done in ten minutes.” Knowing there's a clear endpoint makes the task feel more manageable. Gradually extend the time as their stamina improves.
You're building task initiation, time awareness, and the ability to sustain effort—not simply pushing for homework completion.
It's the third time this week your child can't find his homework, sweater, or library book. You've reminded him repeatedly to be more responsible, but nothing seems to change.
Organization isn't simply about remembering where things belong. It requires sorting information, creating systems, and keeping track of belongings as demands change.
Try this: Help your child create a simple organizational system. Give school papers, books, and personal belongings designated places. Then make it more dynamic: “You have a library book to return tomorrow and a permission slip due Friday. Where should each one go so you'll remember?”
Let your child work out a solution, offering guidance when needed. Gradually introduce new situations and encourage him to adapt the system himself.
You're developing planning, categorization, and organizational flexibility so he can eventually manage new responsibilities independently.
In each of these situations, the expectation hasn't changed. What changes is how we help the child develop the skills needed to meet it.
Motivation gives a child a reason to try. Capacity gives them the ability to succeed.
In my clinical work, I often remind parents that behavior is the starting point of investigation, not the conclusion. Two children can behave identically for entirely different reasons. Understanding what's driving the behavior allows us to respond more effectively.
The next time your child struggles with something you've explained, reminded them about, or encouraged them to do, consider a different question: “What skill might my child still need to develop in order to succeed?”
Chinuch invites us to look beyond the immediate behavior and recognize the individual child before us.
Because the goal isn't simply to get children to do what we ask today. It's to help them develop the capacity to manage life's challenges independently tomorrow.
