Free Will, God, and the Logic of Choice
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Tired of perfection pressure? The We Do Not Care Club is a viral movement helping women ditch unrealistic expectations and focus on what really matters.
Count me in as an early member of the We Do Not Care Club. Scrolling through social media a few weeks ago, I came across Melani Sanders, a 45-year-old mother of three in West Palm Beach, Florida who’d just founded the tongue-in-cheek “We Do Not Care Club,” aimed for women of a certain age who are fed up with society’s unrealistic expectations.
“We are putting the world on notice that we simply do not care much anymore,” Sanders explains in each of her hilarious episodes, before pulling out lists of things she - and her millions of followers - no longer worry about. “We do not care if our clothes are tight - they fit when we bought them,” she recently deadpanned.
“We do not care that we just went grocery shopping and we’re ordering takeout instead of cooking - we are tired.”
“We do not care if your house is aesthetic - our house is a hot mess and we’re ok with that.”
“We do not care if we have fingerprints on our glasses - we can still see.”
In a world filled with influencers telling us to be thinner, prettier, neater, and ever more “perfect”, it’s refreshing to hear a voice cutting through incessant calls to change the way we are.
We need her affirming message more than ever today. A majority of American women say they’re unhappy with their weight. A whopping 78% of 17-year-old American girls say they’re unhappy with the way they look. One 2024 survey revealed that fewer than a third of American women say they’re “completely satisfied” with their lives. In fact, women’s happiness has been declining steadily since the 1970s, despite major gains in material wealth and life expectancy.
Sanders’ popularity shows that many of us long to let go of onerous expectations (or at least make fun of them) and embrace who we are, warts and all.
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She began her club in May 2025 after catching a glimpse of herself in her car rearview mirror: her clothes and her hair were a mess. Instead of being upset, Sanders burst out laughing and began to film, declaring that she didn’t care how she looked. She’d been battling some health problems and was just glad that she was well enough to be out and about and running errands.
It was the philosopher John Stuart Mill who famously observed that focusing inward just makes us depressed: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so,” he wrote 150 years ago. Becoming wealthier, more successful, more socially adept doesn’t lead to happiness, he noted. What does is letting go of our ego and focusing on larger goals.
“Those only are happy…who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness: on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way.”
Obsessing over our perceived shortcomings is guaranteed to make us feel inadequate and depressed.
Obsessing over our perceived shortcomings is guaranteed to make us feel inadequate and depressed. We’re better off letting go of other people’s unreasonable expectations of us. The We Do Not Care Club is taking off, allowing women to declare that there are more important things in life than how tidy or put together or neat we and our homes might happen to be.
Sanders’ movement has spawned a load of imitators. I have a few items of my own:
I don’t care how high your kids scored on that test/paper/exam - all kids have their own strengths and areas where they’re successful.
I don’t care if you had a natural childbirth or not - childbirth is not a competitive sport.
I don’t care if my kids don’t like the dinner I made - learning to cook is a life skill and now’s a good time to start learning it.
Declaring that we don’t care about more trivial items is liberating. But I’d love to see the corollary: a “we DO care” club too. I’d love to see women (and men) brainstorm about what goals we can accomplish after we’ve said goodbye to the superficial, onerous expectations that the We Do Not Care Club skewers so well.
Now’s a perfect moment to pause and ask: what do I actually care about?
The We Do Not Care Club couldn’t have shown up at a more fitting time. Right now, Jews are in the middle of the “Three Weeks”—a stretch on the calendar when we remember the destruction of the First and Second Temples in Jerusalem. It’s a period of reflection and lowered celebration: no live music, no parties, no new clothes or jewelry. In that spirit, a social trend that invites us to look beneath the surface feels especially on point.
The We Do Not Care Club has helped me tune out some of the noise. In that quiet, I’m starting to hear what I do care about.
When we stop obsessing over appearances, something surprising happens—we get more comfortable in our own skin. When we ease up on making our homes Pinterest-perfect, we might just find more space to connect with the people around us. Letting go of the pressure to “look the part” can open up space to explore what really matters to us.
That’s why I’m happily along for the ride with this quirky, freeing movement. The We Do Not Care Club has helped me tune out some of the noise. In that quiet, I’m starting to hear what I do care about: building deeper friendships, spending time with family, developing my strengths, and finding ways to bring light into the world.
So thank you, Melani Sanders, and everyone helping this movement take off. You've made it just a little easier to care less about the things that don’t matter—and more about the ones that do.
I admired the lady who started the “I do not care” movement after having a serious health issue. I can understand that. Equally important, I see Dr. Alt Miller view of it, deeply inspiring, as it delve into a more positive lanscape overall that yes, what can one do to help yourself and others? What can one do to inspire others towards a positive path? How can one make more space in one’s home to make loved ones feel at home and comfortable. A great article, and yes I do want to care for those who surround me. Thank you Dr. Alt Miller, G-d bless you!!
YES!!! Not everyone can be , OR wants to be Martha!!! As someone with chronic pain I do what I am able and find joy in tiny things.
Presence: you are. Rejoice.
I absolutely love her!!! I have enjoyed laughing at the comments she and others have made and her dress ups! I’m right there with her!!!!
YAY! I love the whole vibe here. It feels very much like the prophet Isaiah’s kind of energy.
Almost 20 years ago, I had a stroke and almost died. I went from being a professional with a husband, children, home and dog to being a patient. Half my head was shaved for neurosurgery. My vision and balance were affected. I had a closet full of beautiful clothes that I could scarcely button.
After that experience, I became a member of the DO NOT CARE club. My health and abilities improved, but it took a long time. When you’re struggling to learn to walk with a walker, when you need large print texts, when you forget simple words, you don’t have time to care. The things I did care about: my husband, children, dog. My elderly mom. My colleagues who had to pick up where I left off and who were tremendous friends. And my faith in G-d, which didn’t waver.
Rachel--
I wish you continued good health and happiness. Although not even close in severity, I am currently dealing with the pain of a fractured right wrist. I am older than Melani's group members, but I am sure she would not mind if I joined her.
Rachel you are a beautiful woman in every sense of the word. Life has shaped into the amazing person you are today. Hashem has tested you overly and then some and you have arrived knowing those things that so many need to learn. Things that come from having been brought to our knees and we have crawled back to life in order to lead those around us, just as you are doing now. Be well!