The Secrets of Confident Women

As a size-inclusive, modest fashion designer, I’ve had the privilege and pleasure of talking with hundreds of women about one of their most intimate relationships: the one they have with their bodies and selves. It has become clear to me from these conversations in and around the dressing room that how you feel about your body has nothing to do with how you look. Most women have had the experience of being convinced that if they were only to lose those last 10 pounds, life would be grand – only to get there and find something else to criticize, something else to fixate on, and decide the answer is to shrink themselves even more.

They are never good enough. I relate to them because I’ve also been there. Over the course of my life, I’ve worn sizes 6-14. I’m currently at my biggest – and I have never felt better in my skin.

I’ve seen very thin women bend over and pinch some belly pudge while making a joke about bloating more times than I can count, and I’ve seen just as many larger women carry themselves with confidence and grace.

What sets these women apart? Surrounded by unceasing noise of the diet culture, what’s the secret sauce of these confident women?

Here are six crucial elements they have in common:

1. They develop their own sense of style and taste.

There is no quicker way to lose yourself than by trying to keep up with the dizzying pace of fashion trends. Confident women know what they like, and the styles they love and generally stick to that which innately appeals to them. Sure, they may incorporate a trend piece or accessory here and there, but they’re not drastically changing their look every season.

By staying true to what they like and not mindlessly following trends, they’re also learning to trust their own intuition and judgement in all areas of life, not just their closets.

2. They don’t pay attention to their clothing size.

They recognize that different brands run differently, sizing is not consistent and trying to find meaning inside a clothing label is an exercise in frustration. Confident women don’t mind taking a size larger or smaller than they were expecting because they are just focused on the end result: how a garment fits and feels. If the size they usually wear doesn’t fit them properly, their reaction is “this style must be cut small” not “I’m too big.” They don’t blame their bodies when something doesn’t fit right and generally talk kinder to and about themselves.

3. They surround themselves with unconditional love.

Unfortunately, some daughters feel ashamed of their bodies because their mothers do not have a positive view of their own bodies. If a mother is going to be incessantly criticizing her own body, she’s likely to transfer those same feelings consciously or unconsciously onto her daughter. It's not necessarily the mother's fault, but daughters can break the cycle and learn how to have a better view of themselves.

Some confident women are blessed to have mothers who have already worked through their own relationship with their skin to not have to break free from it; others make a conscious decision to limit the types of interactions where their bodies are the topic of the conversation. Either way, they surround themselves with unconditional love and acceptance for however it is that they happen to look.

4. They know their body shape and what clothing silhouettes work best for them.

Our body shape – how we carry our weight on our frame – is the most important factor in deciding the types of styles that we will feel best in. Confident women know this and have spent time getting to know their bodies and experimenting with different silhouettes to find their perfect formula. They recognize that bodies of every size have lumps, bumps and rolls and that even if they lost weight, the styles that work well for them wouldn’t change.

5. They view their modesty as more than a set of rules they have to follow.

Nothing takes the fun out of getting dressed more than feeling like you “have” to wear something…or else. In my experience, confident women who dress modestly don’t view it as the need to be quiet or unseen. They have found a deeper meaning or connection in their practice, whether that’s a sense of dignity, a closeness with their grandmothers or God, or an appreciation for community.

6. They know it’s a process.

Everyone has moments where they feel less than great about their body. Confident women know this and know to expect it. So, when bad body image days come around, they’re able to cut themselves some slack, take a deep breath, put on something comfortable and well fitting for a little boost and go about their day knowing this too shall pass. Each of them has been on a journey to reach a place of self-love and acceptance and they know that the longer they keep at it, the easier it gets.

If you’ve never considered what it would look like to build confidence in whatever body you’re in right now, this might seem like a lot to tackle. But by looking to confident women for inspiration, you can learn to love yourself more and recognize that you’re beautiful... just how you are.

Rivky Itzkowitz is the founder of Impact Fashion, a modest clothing line in sizes 2-28. She’s also the host of Be Impactful, a podcast about the women making a difference in their own corners of the world.