People Aren’t QR Codes

The students quiet down as the teacher walks into class on the first day of the school year. “Which one of you is Horowitz?” the teacher asks.

A boy raises his hand. “Get out!” the teacher declares.

“But why? I didn’t do anything.”

“I heard about you. Do you think I’m going to wait until you do something?”

The absurdity of the story is instructive: don’t label people based on their past behavior. You can judge students, friends and loved ones by their past behavior or you can choose to believe that people can change and breathe hope into even your most challenging relationships.

Labeling is a tricky hazard in teaching. On the one hand, a quick and easy identification of the problem makes it easy to know how to proceed. But labeling can lock a person in a preconceived destiny, making it very hard for them to change. That’s incredibly damaging; life is all about striving to change for the better.

Unlike fingerprints and DNA, your behavior is a matter of free choice. Even though you have ingrained habits, with guidance and hard work you can change. Your brain has plasticity. The neurons of the brain can do new things by forging new or stronger connections with other neurons. They can be reformed to the tendencies of our choosing. A pillar of Jewish belief is that people can change.

Labeling a spouse as sloppy, self-centered, stingy, or narcissistic makes change difficult.

This is particularly relevant in marriage. Labeling a spouse as sloppy, self-centered, stingy, or narcissistic makes change difficult. They become the label. Their behaviors become like fingerprints, with no hope for change.

When dealing with an objectionable behavior, it is best to identify the behavior without labeling it. When you engage in heartfelt, open communication, you enable your spouse to understand how certain behaviors affect you. That breakthrough of realization allows your spouse to consider slow and gradual change and obtain effective coaching. Labelling someone stingy, self-centered, or rotten locks them into the behavior.

Imagine, for example, if you and your spouse were looking forward to an exciting outing together. Maybe it is a planned date night or a family wedding. You’re ready to go on time and your spouse is late.

You’re frustrated and feel that your spouse just doesn’t care. After all, if it was important, why would he/she be late?

Those feelings and conclusions are understandable and can be processed in an open, perhaps mediated, conversation. But if you turn the event into a labeling fest, facilitating change is going to be hard. Stuck with the label “uncaring, always late, self-centered” doesn’t muster much enthusiasm to step forward to change. This is especially true when the labeling comes from someone they truly admire, trust, and love.

People are not QR codes, that square black-and-white label that’s linked to a limitless amount of digital information describing an item’s identity and quality. “Quick Response” codes are great for objects and merchandise. But labelling people hampers their ability to grow. It limits the possibility of getting a quick response, or any response at all. The way to repair relationships is healthy communication and recognizing that everyone is capable of change.

So, Horowitz, come back to class. I am confident that this year will be a good one.