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Practical tools on how to feel and express gratitude to your spouse.
Gratitude makes life better, for you and for everyone around you. To the ingrate, life is a constant flow of disappointing failures to meet expectations. It has very little to do with actual circumstances, and everything to do with the inner attitude towards all the things that come our way.
The definition of gratitude is the quality of being thankful; it’s a readiness to show appreciation for and to return the kindness. It’s incredibly easy to lose your sense of gratitude when you’re with someone, especially as time goes on and so many other things are happening in your life.
Over time, our mindset shifts and we start to focus on things that bother us instead of things that make us feel thankful. We start to criticize and speak or act negatively toward our significant other, and that causes a breakdown of the closeness and intimacy we all thrive on.
Focusing on gratitude is essential for a great marriage. We are usually good at expressing gratitude to strangers and co-workers, but there is no person who deserves it more than our spouse.
Gratitude mandates two distinct strategies: feeling it and expressing it.
One of the most powerful tools for developing the feeling of gratitude is known as the “Three Blessings Exercise.” It’s a handy implementation of the old maxim of “count your blessings.” According to researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, the exercise “involves spending 5 to 10 minutes at the end of each day writing in detail about three things that went well that day, large or small, and also describing why you think they happened.”
Completing this exercise every day for one week led to increases in happiness that persisted for six months.
In a 2005 study, Martin Seligman, founder of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, found that completing this exercise every day for one week led to increases in happiness that persisted for six months. “This simple practice is effective because it not only helps you remember and appreciate good things that happened in the past, it can also teach you to notice and savor positive events as they happen in the moment, and remember them more vividly later on. By reflecting on the sources of these good things, the idea is that you start to see a broader ecosystem of goodness around you rather than assuming that the universe is conspiring against you.”1
Seligman further found that the Three Blessings strategy compares favorably to antidepressant medication and psychotherapy. Moreover, while the exercise originally developed as a tool to develop gratitude generally, this exercise can be channeled directly towards marriage. The nightly questions become: What 3 things has my spouse done for me today?
Don’t think about the big picture; focus on small, practical, and directed things that happened throughout the day, the sort of non-dramatic but life-enriching things that either I’ve come to expect as natural or that I’d otherwise overlook.
If you can get your schedules in sync, you can also practice the Three Blessings exercise together by creating a shared gratitude journal. Not only will your awareness of her kindness grow, so will her awareness of your awareness, and vice-versa. Try it for a two-week period.
Writing a letter of gratitude to our spouse is a powerful way to engender feelings of gratitude, not just expressing it. Seligman found that of five major strategies tested, it was specifically the writing of a thoughtful and detailed letter that most increased feelings of gratitude in the writer, while at the same time making the recipient feel appreciated and valued.
The gratitude letter had the greatest positive impact on happiness one month later.
Beyond the immediate impact, the gratitude letter also “had the greatest positive impact on happiness one month later. Those who delivered and read the letter to the recipient in person, rather than just mailing it, reaped the greatest benefits.”2
Try writing the Gratitude Letter on your spouse’s birthday or on your anniversary. Of course, buy a present, but spend most of your time on the note that expresses your love and gratitude.
Brainstorm the many ways that he or she has contributed to your life and to who you are. Include both general and specific things your spouse has done for you, and how his or her actions have made you feel. Your spouse will keep the card long after the gift has been lost, broken, or gone out of style. But even such powerful and love-affirming expressions have a shelf life. Seligman found that “six months after writing and delivering their Gratitude Letter, participants’ happiness levels had dropped back down to where they were before the visit.
This finding reminds us that no single activity is a panacea that can permanently alter happiness levels after just one attempt. Instead, gratitude practices and other happiness-inducing activities need to be practiced regularly over time, ideally with some variety to avoid hedonic adaptation.”3
Start by creating some recurring calendar items to remind you to express your gratitude. Time your first one to come along with your alarm (“Before leaving the house, tell her how amazing she is”). Schedule another one for the afternoon (“No matter how busy and preoccupied I am, write her a note of thanks and love”), and another one for coming-home time (“Don’t forget, no matter how hard my day was, to show gratitude this evening”). You get the picture.
By the time it begins to become tiresome, the expressions will have become more spontaneous and natural. At that point, leave the reminders in your calendar anyway, since habituation tends to creep back in when you least expect it.
While such expressions of gratitude may seem inauthentic, try it. See what happens when you force yourself to smile at your spouse, look her in the eyes, and say “thank you” when you are exhausted or frustrated or stressed out after a long day of work.
Thank your spouse for the little things, the cup of water, the smile or hug or words of affirmation when you needed it, for the dinner, the cleaning, the laundry, for picking up the groceries, for letting you sleep an extra half hour on the weekend. Say it and say it again.
Fifty words of thanks while you’re walking away or while simultaneously looking at your smartphone can’t compare to two words with clear eye contact and undivided attention. If he likes affection, say it with a hug or peck on the cheek. Show that the words are coming from all of you!
Be creative. Use different words and ways of expressing your gratitude. Saying nothing but “thank you” all the time loses its meaning after a while. Make your language more colorful: “It really means a lot to me when you...,” “I appreciate that you...,” “I am so grateful for....”
Just as a few short words go a long way, so do small gifts. They let him or her know that you were thinking of them during the day, even in their absence. Sometimes they can be spontaneous, and sometimes they can be scheduled, like bringing home flowers every Friday afternoon. Don’t forget to attach even the briefest little note: “Because you are the best,” “Thanks for giving me a great week,” “You’re always there for me.”
When we are noticed and positively reinforced by the recipient of our kindness, most of us will naturally tend to do more, kickstarting the amazing virtuous cycle of reciprocity that gratitude generates. This improves everything, from intimacy to the overall air of tranquility and happiness in the home.
