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Attention, affection, and appreciation are powerful tools guaranteed to improve your marriage.
Doing these three simple things will transform your marriage from good to great. Focus on the three A’s: attention, affection, and appreciation.
Attention is crucial because it shows your spouse that they are the priority in your life. Prioritizing the phone, work, or other people over your spouse makes them feel isolated and lonely. Paying attention when our spouse is speaking shows interest and respect, and makes them feel loved.
Everyone is busy. Many people struggle balancing work and home life. But if you can’t carve out time exclusively for your spouse, love becomes replaced with loneliness. Choose connection. Reversing these patterns is simple but it takes effort and awareness. Start paying and giving attention.
Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks said, “If you want to understand any relationship, between husband and wife, or parent and child, or employer and employee, pay close attention to how they speak and listen to one another.”
Here are some techniques to incorporate attention into your relationship:
a. Give your spouse two minutes a day of undivided attention. When listening to your spouse, you will need to sit down and face them, make eye contact, and put away all things that may serve as a distraction. This may seem obvious, but in today’s world it is much easier said than done.
Two minutes of undivided attention may not seem impactful, but when compounded each day, it becomes meaningful. Try it and see.
Commit to the small goal of giving two minutes a day of solid, uninterrupted attention. If you commit to merely two minutes, you will be setting yourself up for success instead of striving for a larger goal and failing right away. Two minutes may not seem impactful, but when compounded each day, it becomes meaningful. Try it and see.
b. Your first 20 minutes at home belong to your spouse. Rabbi Noah Weinberg z”tl, founder and dean of Aish HaTorah, shared a wonderful tool. Instead of coming home and using your initial moments to unwind, make a mental shift that at whatever time you arrive at the door, you really are not “home” until 20 minutes later. If your wife or kids need help, or if they want to talk to you, make yourself available. If this seems impossible, then stay in your car for a few minutes to unwind before arriving home. Be prepared to be present and available to each other the first twenty minutes you are home.
c. Your spouse is more important than your biggest client. Always take his or her calls at work whenever feasible. Of course, work is necessary, and is a way of prioritizing your spouse since you work to provide for your family. But the question to ask yourself is: Where is my energy strongest? If you have excitement and feel most alive at work, and find yourself a deadbeat around your family, you are sending a clear message that states, “My joy is not with you. My real joy is fulfilled elsewhere.” That is not a message conducive for deepening love.
Treat your spouse as your biggest client. Always take your spouse’s calls at work, and be fully present, energized, at your best game. This will not make your boss or other clients think less of you; if anything, they will want to do business with someone who values his or her family.
Attention is a way of saying to your spouse, I see you, I notice you, and I care. Giving a few minutes of daily attention can make a huge difference in your relationship.
Your level of affection toward your spouse is the “thermometer” of the relationship, which indicates satisfaction level. Studies indicate a direct correlation between affection and satisfaction in a relationship. Studies also showed that the level of expressed affection is an indication of your commitment level.1
Affection is the glue that keeps the couple close and the balm that smooths things over. Affectionate touch expressed during disagreements can mitigate stress levels by reducing the amount of cortisol and can also help both partners feel validated and understood.2
Affectionate touch has no expectations for it to lead to intimacy. This is a touch that states, You are beautiful, I adore you. Or, I want to be close to you.
Additionally, high levels of affection within a relationship provide positive emotional and physical benefits. Affectionate touch promotes good health by lowering blood pressure and is linked to higher oxytocin levels (aka the “love hormone”).
The three ways you can express affection are through touch, tones, and words.
a. Affectionate touch. This refers to non-sexual touch. Once touch becomes sexual, it moves to a different category. Affectionate touch has no expectations for it to lead to intimacy. Rather, it is simply touch without the need for anything more. This is a touch that states, You are beautiful, I adore you. Or, I want to be close to you.
You can ask your spouse how he or she would enjoy being touched. A warm embrace can calm and soothe the spirit. A peck on the cheek, a quick love tap, or holding hands are all great options. Casually cuddling, caressing, and embracing can work wonders for increasing closeness. Try to touch your spouse in this manner at least twice a day.
b. Affectionate tones. We all know that our tone of voice conveys the true message behind our words. We can say “I am sorry” dripping with sarcasm, but the same words can also convey deep regret. Our tone sets the tone of the relationship. Speaking in a soft, gentle, and loving voice can build closeness. You can also convey respect with your tone of voice. Using pet names or sharing private jokes can warm the tone and reflect a desire to connect.
c. Affectionate words. You can compliment your spouse by telling her she is beautiful or hard working. Try calling your spouse from work “just because” each day. By calling from work, you send the message that you are thinking of them, and that “you are important to me!”
You can also express affection through short love notes. “Thinking of you” or “I am so lucky to be your spouse” are two examples. The note can simply be a sticky note left on her steering wheel or pillow.
Appreciation is how we feel valued in a relationship and how we show our spouse how much we depend on them.
Some people have an easier time thanking the mailman than their spouse. Many marriage therapists believe that the number one cause of dissatisfaction within a marriage is the lack of appreciation. When you don’t feel appreciated, you begin to feel deflated.
Some ideas to incorporate appreciation within your marriage are:
Thank your spouse daily. Make this a priority and watch your marriage flourish.
Attention, affection, and appreciation are powerful tools to transform any marriage. By utilizing small steps, you can change the entire pattern of your relationship.
This article is based on a lecture given by Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky
Very nice. Our three principles that we upheld for 50 happy years-,Love, Trust and a good amount of healthy joy and humor.
To each their own as long as both agree.