10 Tips for Finding Love, the Second Time Around

“This time will be different…because I don’t want to make another mistake.” This is what many individuals think when they’re navigating back into the world of dating for marriage post-divorce.

But avoiding pain doesn’t ensure a good outcome; embracing the right mindset does.

Marriage serves a higher purpose in two key ways:

Self-Transformation: Through learning, growing and giving of ourselves in our marriage, we have the opportunity to actualize our potential. Even a difficult marriage can bring us deeper clarity about life; the skills and character attributes necessary for a healthy union and discovering who we are and what we value.

Broader Impact: Everything that comes as a result of a marriage influences the world at large—like the children we bring to life, the connections and relationships we forge with individuals along the way, and the choices we make as a result. In this way, a marriage becomes not just the sum of what we personally experience, but also the impact our marital union has on the world around us.

When we can accept that our previous marriage was not only not a mistake, but that it was intended for us to learn, to grow and to contribute to life in a significant way, then we are able to see the bigger picture. And that makes even a marriage that later ended in a divorce, not just worthy—but sacred.

By adopting this mindset, you can embrace finding your future mate with an optimistic outlook, even if you didn’t get the “happily ever after” the first time around.

Here are 10 tips to get your started:

1. Do your homework and be selective. Rather than agreeing to go out with someone you don’t know much about, become more selective about who you choose to meet for a first date. Finding out more about a prospective match ahead of time helps to see if there is potential for a meaningful union. The less random the dating process, the lower the chance of unnecessary heartache.

2. Focus on growing in love, not falling in love. Growing in love means seeing the individual before you with open eyes and an open heart. Attraction is not solely about a person’s appearance, but how you feel when you are around the individual. Instead of making rash decisions based on a photo or first date, take your time to get past first impressions. Allow yourself to be moved by the person gradually, by observing his actions, focusing on who he really is instead of whether you feel fireworks.

3. Assess how you feel with him. If you feel happy and comfortable when you are with the person you’re dating, but feel anxious and critical about him when alone, it may be a clue of deeper fears that need to be addressed, not necessarily that it’s the wrong match. On the other hand, if you are blissfully daydreaming about him when you are alone, but feel disconnected in his presence, this may be a sign that you are romanticizing the idea of being together, rather than actually seeing the person as he is.

4. Character attributes to look for. Kindness, flexibility, and maturity are essential traits in a potential partner, especially when kids are involved. A person who consistently embodies these qualities will not only be a good role model to your children, but will also be able to adapt to the unique challenges of a blended family.

5. Do you respect and admire the person you are dating? Look for someone whose character, lifestyle and beliefs you respect. If you enjoy spending time with him but want him to change core aspects of his nature, this is not an indicator of a good match. You don’t have to have the same exact views or approach to life, as long as you respect one another and can envision creating a healthy, committed partnership.

6. Find a trusted, wise mentor or coach to guide you. You wouldn’t buy a house without having proper guidance from a trusted professional. Considering someone you are dating for the purpose of marriage is even more important. In Ethics of Our Fathers, we learn that it is invaluable to "Make for yourself a teacher/mentor,” seeking wisdom in all of life's journeys. An insightful, objective person who understands you can most effectively guide you, helping you feel confident in the choices you make.

7. Personality Vs. Character. Personality is easy to assess–it’s how a person shows up. For example, whether he’s shy, funny, energetic or serious. Character, on the other hand, is harder to assess. It is dependent on a person’s belief and value system which takes time to see–like whether the person is honest and keeps his word, is giving and kind. Not everyone who has good character has a magnetic personality, and not everyone with a sparkling personality has solid character. Make sure to distinguish between the two.

8. Emotional stability. An emotionally stable partner is one who is generally positive, takes responsibility for his behavior, and respects boundaries. Red flags include manipulative communication, inconsistent behavior, and unresolved anger or pain from the previous marriage. The goal is for a couple to feel emotionally safe, who respect each other’s boundaries and is able to view their past through a healthy, growth-oriented lens.

9. Develop your humility and desire to give. A healthy marriage begins with two partners who value humility and are capable of freely giving of themselves. Stay committed to cultivating these two attributes and it will serve you well in marriage, and life.

10. Believe in United Ever After. Life can throw us tremendous hardships—like job loss, illness, or death of a loved one. Committing to staying united means realizing that your marriage may not always be happy, but it will always be sacred. And when you know something is sacred, you treat it with utmost care. With this mindset, a couple has the greatest chance of staying united through all of life’s ups and downs, while appreciating what the relationship truly has to offer. And this is the secret to true romance, the kind that stands the test of time.