The Jewish People’s Undying Connection to the Land of Israel
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7 min read
An interfaith engagement becomes a spiritual awakening, revealing how genuine love supports becoming who you truly are.
Sophomore year of college, I walk into Anthropology class and I see… her. I see her and she glows. She really glows, even better than the movies. My heart knows there is something about her, something kind, warm, and good. It also didn't hurt that she was a beautiful blond.
We fell in love. The type of love where someone can see your soul and you can see theirs in complete vulnerability and acceptance. A type of love where you are committed to each other, would risk everything for each other, and be there for each other. The type of love where, in my insecurity, when I asked her what she liked about me, she said, "Me."
She loved me just for who I was. It was this type of love that healed parts of me that I did not know were broken. And it was easy to ignore the discriminatory rabbi who advised us poor souls, who gave up beautiful soccer practice afternoons to come to dreary Hebrew school, not to intermarry.
Being around her family was a relief in a way that is hard to explain. Her family did not have a certain weight that I noticed my Jewish family did, a certain pessimism, a certain suspicion of everything, a certain questioning of everything, a certain ill-at-ease-ness. Her stepfather was a Presbyterian minister. A close relative tried to warn me about possible problems in this dynamic, though he never said so overtly. He just said something once along the lines of, "You are aware that her step-father is a Presbyterian minister."
Her stepfather was a Presbyterian minister. But that wasn't a problem for us. She didn't believe in Jesus. We both believed in God. We knew love.
It was not a problem though. Not for us. She didn't believe in Jesus. She didn't identify as a Christian. We both believed in God. We knew love.
We were inseparable. We had adventures after adventure. When I started student teaching, she would pick me up after school. She taught me to drive. She came to my grandfather's funeral. She taught me organization. She taught me how to play croquet.
We had our spots, our places: our pond, our restaurant, our inside jokes, our own world we created together, a world where children of any age are still allowed to play, because we are all still just kids in the park, no matter if they want to call us grown-ups.
Ironically, despite being the diehard liberals that we were, indirectly she was the one who helped me realize the excesses of my America-is-always-wrong liberal mentality. Because if America was always wrong, how could it create her?
I became more interested in Judaism. What was wonderful is that I saw in her and the way she treated me that there was nothing wrong with being Jewish. She saw that Judaism made me happy; ipso facto, Judaism was a good thing. We lit candles together each week.
I proposed. She said yes. She even was okay with a rabbi officiating...as long as it was a woman, feminist that she was.
Problem: How would we raise our kids?
She didn't want them to have a religious identity at all. I wanted them to be unequivocally Jewish.
We discussed and discussed. And after every time I felt it was settled, it wasn't. I talked with a rabbi. "You have to answer this question: Is she the most important thing in the entire world?"
Yes, definitely!
And yet…
It did not feel right. I did not feel right.
The pressure was not coming from the outside. It was coming from within.
We went to see Fiddler on the Roof at the local high school where I was substituting at the time. I had a strange feeling at the end of the show, when the cast was roaming around the auditorium joyfully in their nostalgic costumes. Seeing them in their fake beards lead me to an uncomfortable idea: "In this space of pretend, you can be Jewish. In a box, for fun, it's safe; you can be Jewish. But not outside.
I asked her: If I decided to wear a kippah, would you be comfortable with it?
No, she said.
What about if our kids wanted to?
Yes, she said.
We were heading on different tracks and though I desperately wanted to, I could not stop. Who wants to leave the person you love the most in the world? Not me. But the unstoppable part of was feeling that a very big and very important part of me was going to be closed off. This really did not make sense to me because I thought that anyone could choose whatever religion they wanted to be. I thought, in different words at the time, that different religions were just different garments for the One Truth and it is just fashion which one you pick. While in some ways this is true, I did not realize that while different religions have much in common, they also have fundamental disagreements.
More importantly, I did not realize that which garment was mine did not seem to be up to me. I thought the idea of a Jewish soul was just a way for racists to make divisions between people. But how else could I explain that only Jewish things were lighting me up and I had such a thirst for more? How could my spiritual-but-not-religious self explain that something was missing and what was missing seemed to be only filled by reading holy Jewish texts, exploring websites about Judaism, or asking soulful questions?
I was inexplicably excited learning about Jewish things. It freaked me out: I thought I could choose what my soul wanted.
I was inexplicably excited learning about Jewish things. It even made me happy to see synagogues on the road. It freaked me out: I thought I could choose what my soul wanted.
Vainly hoping she would want to join me on my Jewish journey, I convinced her to come with me to a Conservative synagogue for Shabbos morning services. The mostly empty pews, the old siddurim, reminded me a little bit of the shul I became a Bar Mitzvah in. I was surprised at the emotion I felt that day. It was not the feeling of nostalgia, of familiarity or similarity to a memory. It was the feeling of coming home to a home that I never knew, and learning it was mine. It was almost as if the bimah, the chazzan, the rabbi, the prayer book, the service were all the expressions, all the ornamentation of the One's presence hovering above all and that this is the type of space I needed to be in to receive it.
This was not a rational moment. It was a turning of the heart; it was as if God was reaching out saying, "Yes, be the Jew you are."
I really did not want to be, but my soul knew better.
In our progressive world where everyone was welcome, we still had our comfort zones, our limits, our borders. She loved me, giving me the strength to look inside and be who I am, a Jew who did not want to keep his Judaism in a box.
When I broke the engagement, asking for her forgiveness, she told me that I did not have to apologize for being who I am. She loved me for being who I am and she wanted me to be me. I felt such crushing heartbreak and yet a sense of wholeness also emerged. I knew I had made the right choice.
Any contributions I make to the Jewish world are because of her.
Baruch Hashem, this story has a happy ending. After about seven years of continued spiritual searching, I ended up becoming an observant Jew who married the beautiful woman I am meant to be with.
Love honors boundaries. Love transcends boundaries. Love unites. Love allows the soul to flourish. If I have learned anything it is this: Love is a gift from God; we are here to love each person and we are here to do it well. I am still learning.
The Yom Kippur evening in 1976 was most critical. If I had gone to my parents and told them what I was getting into; twenty nine years of being with medication to assist in coping would definitely have been avoided . Thank goodness he “headed it off at the pass “.
And this is why potential converts are hesitant. The blame for why so many Jews intermarry. You forget that many choose to be Jewish, often knowing and practising Jewish precepts more than their Jewish born spouses. Which brings up another point, little discussed, or outright dismissed. Many Jews do not practice their faith at all, other than to eat bagels and lox and eschew Christmas. They don't read the Torah, they barely make it into the synagogue even for Yom Kippur, don't keep kashrut, etc. Yet the entirety of the blame for the "disappearance" of Jewish continuance is thrown at intermarriage. One might argue that for every Jewish person who marries someone non-Jewish, it often happens that that spouse converts, bringing more people into Judaism. Let's at least be honest.
You wrote, "How do I raise my kids." Instead, you should have written, "How do I raise my non Jewish kids, my gentile children?" Rsise them to be Noahides. Teach them about Abraham's servant Elazar, a great, great person. Teach them about Job, a great, great person. These are but two examples of people on such a high level of being, and anyone can glean from just these two people that being Jewish isn't about greatness, but a good person doesn't have to convert and that person can is still loved, cherished, and extoled by God.
Still, you don't have any obligation to "teach them the laws of the afikomen". Shabbos is yours, not theirs. They are your biological heirs -- Abraham loved his son Ishmael -- but not your spiritual heirs, so said God to Abraham
That's great that she's understanding 🙂
Love is good but it's not enough. A couple should go in the same direction. Otherwise many conflicting issues come up that dissolve the relationship. It's good you discussed things beforehand. Of course, good relationships have conflict too. But when you have similar beliefs and goals, things are smoother.
Baruch Hashem you have a wife where you can both grow in your heritage together ❤️
So beautiful. She is a wonderful soul that she recognized what you needed, and who you needed to be and let you go with such compassion and respect.
Great article! It ended the way I wanted it to.
Wow shocking and beautiful!
You should have just married her and worked it out.
Glad I'm not the only one who feels sad for the original fiance.
It was not tge right thing to do. If he had married her. His kids would not be jewish.
They wouldn't have been happy since he wanted to one way and she another way
a testament to what true love can do to a person
Surprised no-one has pointed out that the title should read "fiancée", not "fiancé".
Thank you for writing this beautiful honest piece, a true coming-of-age story, and BH, it does have a happy ending. I'm glad you had this experience as it led you where you were meant to be.
A BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN . PRVOVOCATIVE AND ;POINGNANT ARTICLE
She was not able to follow him. Her christianity was without depth. And she make decisions, which were wrong. The free will. It must be accepted.
Hopefully, the author has shed for good his "America-is-always-wrong liberal mentality" which typically includes Israel.
Did you read the article? He says that he has.
The author said that his fiance helped him realize the "excesses" of his liberalism. That does not mean he has fully shed left of center views. I read the article. Did you?
Thank you for sharing this inspiring and important story! It has a profound meaning in our time. Btw: What happened to the non-Jewish girl? She’s a mensch — a rare, wonderful human being. I hope she found true happiness and fulfillment in her life, as well, and pray she is blessed.
I hope so too.
You are lucky that you experimented a soul awakening as a result, your experience is an exception, not tge rule, the vast majority end up forsaking their religion.
2) I wish, I think, that everyone would not call these things "interfaith". If either of them had enough faith, they would not be dating someone with incompatible beliefs. I prefer "international". Jews are a nation. I'm a citizen of the Jewish nation and the United States. Non-Jews are not citizens of both.
There are religions that permit people of different faiths to marry.
Yes. However problems come along once the children are born. It can be confusing for them of which faith to chose themselves without upsetting the parent of the faith they do not choose .
Not jews.
Right, but I was responding to a comment that implied that all religions prohibit intermarriage.
1) 'Being around her family...did not have a certain weight ...ill-at-ease-ness' I noticed something like this about 40 years ago, when I was 40. I am ashamed to say that I dated some non-Jewish girls, didn't meet their families, and they didn't do anything special, but it was what they did not do. They did not exhibit a weight on their shoulders, etc. and I felt they did not feel one. So time with a girl like that was like going to a carnival, unadulterated fun. But if a Jewish girl had that attitude (only 1 did), I would think she was stupid. Doesn't she know what happened in this world? You could say the same thing about the non-Jew, but I didn't care because I wasn't going to marry her and she wasn't going to raise my children. But someone else might differ in what's important.
"I am ashamed to say that I dated some non-Jewish girls" ... "but I didn't care because I wasn't going to marry her and she wasn't going to raise my children."
...
Really. You should be ashamed of your self. For your rotten way of believing & behaving towards other HUMANS.
i am so inspired by this story. what atrength of charector and integrity from both people
Love and clinging to G-d, our Creator, Revealer and Redeemer, should be our first service, and even precedes human love. Then Teshuva of the Soul and love of G-d truly steers love in the finite world. Profound truth is displayed in this story.
It’s a beautiful story with a seemingly happy ending. In my experience the writer is very unusual to have had such positive feelings re being Jewish to the point that he broke off the engagement
Beautiful article.
Wow!
My son is going/went through the same.
He went from Frum(and loving it his whole life) to nothing and now getting back on the derech, even through not Frum.
You're a very high neshama. The majority of US nonorthodoxy do not make this choice, though they are ALL on a very, very long spectrum with Judaism. Regardless, WHOLE FAMILIES, THOUSANDS of YEARS OLD, are DISAPPEARING. It reminds me of how I feel when I hear Douglas Murray. He's one of the very, very few non-Jews sticking up for Jews & Israel & it's inexplicable. The anomality begs for explanation. That's makes me think that generations ago one of your ancestors did an outstanding deed and YOU are the payback. It's important to build up merit, if not for now & us, then for later & them.
Shalom, not only Judaism is loosing families that in the past were real Jews who practiced their faith with conviction and love. In Christianity the same thing is happening. I can see it in Catholicism and in Protestantism etc. I believe that this is happening because when at home growing up, parents did not have the love for God and therefore never studied the Hebrew Bible to be able to have a relationship withThe Almighty.So how could they teach their children anything about HaShem? In my case,I was born in a Catholic home where my mother was the “religious” parent. I was sent to Catholic boarding school where nuns run the school.They did not know the God of the Bible.For 44 years now, I study Torah and I have learned to love HaShem,so have my two sons and my husband. Baruch HaShem!
a real miracle
hashgacha pratis
this guy was very very "lucky"- most are not. He should thank God all the time for guiding him
Exactly, right, he was one of the lucky ones
I wish all Jewish men were like you. Unfortunately,most of them never get that feeling of longing to live fully as a Jew, and when they marry a nonJewish woman, somewhere a Jewish woman will never have a Jew to marry. Jewish men who are clueless about Judaism marry nonJewish women,flush their heritage down the toilet, and myriads of lifelong single Jewish women are the result.
Nothing is outside Hashem’s control
How does this comment help the shidduch crisis?
My husband married me— a non-Jewish woman. It took me a few years, but I had an Orthodox conversion. I have done my all to keep his family’s heritage alive. Please remember that Ruth was a convert.
Beautiful writing. I was taken aback, however, by the writer’s saying that “any contributions to the Jewish world he makes are because of (his ex-fiance.)”
Based on past personal experience, I caution the writer to focus on his life today, rather than to idealize a past love.
Ahem.......I have very many convert friends. I wrote that most Jewish men who date and marry nonJewish women throw their Jewish line out the windpw and leave behind a Jewish woman somewhere. Are you recommending that Jewish men date nonJewish women in the miniscule chance she will have an Orthodox conversion? Further-----when he himself doesn't care about prpetuating Judaism to his kids? Great----Let's tell every Jewish guy to date nonJews.
Too harsh to Rachel! Kol hakavod to true and legit converts!!!
I don't think Rachel recommended anything. I didn't think so when I first read it. She just told her experience. In doing so, she gave an example where things turned out well, but that is not a recommendation for others.
I didn’t recommend anything. I have now lived for almost 30 years in a great Orthodox community and I feel fully accepted. However, when I was going through the conversion process and even for a few years after, there were people who were very discouraging, others who doubted my sincerity, total strangers at Shuls who commented on my appearance (I am fair-skinned, blue-eyed blond and I can no more change that than anyone else can alter those things.) This has happened even when I wear a blond sheitel (which matches my coloring.) I keep reminding myself that what matters is what Hashem thinks of me so I don’t pay much attention anymore. But at the beginning it was difficult. Some Chasidim believe that sincere converts are Jewish souls that somehow got lost.
I hardly think single Jewish girls is the main issue to worry about with intermarriage.
unfortunately there are many jewish girls who marry non-jewish boys too, so intermarriage from both genders balances itself out...
May Hashem lead all singles to find their destined soulmates and may happiness reign in all Jewish homes.
Further factors that dry up the poolfor Jewish women:
These “Judaism Lite” conversions make men’s intermarriages painless.
There is stories where the non Jewish girl friend converts to Judaism, and then the Jewish boyfriend leaves her she became Jewish and sometimes religious too
Re: Judaism lite. Sigh. I was raised in that type of Jewish environment but married within the faith and became more observant.
Unfortunate, but true. 46 years ago I dated a man who was not Jewish. When I knew a proposal would be forthcoming, I explained why marrying him was out of the question. He became a Jew in the most traditional of ways (studying with 3 rabbis, a second bris, mikvah, etc) and we were married under the chuppah at the University of Judaism 18 months later. Unfortunately, our now 41 year old daughter has a hard time finding a Jewish man who wouldn't prefer a shiksah
I hope that non-Jewish men would not prefer a non-Jewish woman. However, many men also have trouble finding their bashert. I think some men who are not religious to begin with just give up and find someone who is congenial. I will daven for your daughter.