Marriage – Compatible Names

The Aish Rabbi Replies

So long as you feel you are suitable for each other, you may surely marry. An engaged couple may request a blessing from a rabbi, but there is no reason to inquire if their names are compatible. One of the greatest sages of the past generation, R’ Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky (1899-1985, known as “the Steipler”), wrote that we should not consider matching names for marriage. We should rather follow the exhortation of Deuteronomy 18:13: “You should be wholehearted with the Lord your God” – trusting that He will guide us properly and not basing our decisions for the future on bizarre mystical secrets. Further, people who claim to know how to determine such matters (certainly for a fee) are typically charlatans (Orchat Rabbeinu I 287).

See also Shu”t Mei’ein Omair (R’ Ovadiah Yosef), Vol. 12, p. 55 who similarly forbids this. Indeed, it’s been noted that based on such hidden “wisdom”, the names Abraham and Sarah are not compatible with each other – though I’m sure we can all come up with an Abraham and Sarah who together formed a wonderful Jewish home (and nation)!

If you read this further discussion (Hebrew), you will see that many scholars, even Kabbalists, consider the entire science of compatible names nonsense. Some Kabbalists do take it seriously but only view the matter as cautionary. Even if a man and woman do have incompatible names, it is at most an indication that they have different natural tendencies and predilections (as all married couples do). Yet people change throughout their lives, sometimes overcoming their flaws and sometimes acquiring new ones. Marriage does not depend on inbred qualities alone but on the person you have made yourself into throughout your years of life. And I think we can further add to this that even if a man and woman have somewhat different natures, a great part of marriage is bridging differences and building a close relationship despite that. If a husband and wife commit to each other and properly invest in their marriage, they can surely overcome any such mystical obstacles, even if they do exist. And anyway, as above, better to trust God and your own judgment – and choose a spouse for sound rational reasons, without searching for problems based on the nebulous world of Kabbalah.

(Note that some have a custom not to marry a woman with the same name as his mother or a man with the same name as her father. That is a separate issue and legitimate custom for those who observe it.)