As Jewish as a Ham Sandwich
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Tracey was 16 when a stranger knocked on her door selling alarm systems. She had no idea he'd become her husband – or that she'd spend decades fighting for his life.
Tracey Ribeiro met her husband, José, just before she turned 16. Her soulmate literally knocked on her door.
Tracey lives in South Africa and clearly remembers the Thursday afternoon her future husband knocked on her parents' door. He was selling home security systems in the neighborhood.
"I didn't answer. My sister did. She told him to go away because my mom wasn't home."
José has no idea what made him come back the next day. When people usually told him to come back, he never did.
Tracey's mother wanted to purchase a security system and thought it would be good for him to meet her husband and finalize the deal.
When José returned, they closed it. As he left, Tracey's mother called out, "Come back whenever you want. You're such a nice guy!"
So he did. The very next day.
He and Tracey began spending time together. Their friendship blossomed and Tracey's parents didn't mind that he wasn't Jewish.
One week later, José declared, "I'm going to marry you."
Tracey was shocked. "I honestly thought he was crazy. I was only 15. Marriage was the furthest thing from my mind – and he wasn't even Jewish."
Once Tracey's parents realized this was becoming more than friendship, they panicked. They had no problem with Tracey befriending non-Jews, but intermarrying was different.
"As soon as Jose promised to convert, my parents became more comfortable."
José was determined to fight for their relationship, persistent about both his love for Tracey and his desire to become Jewish.
The Orthodox community initially wouldn't accept him as a convert, so he went through a Reform conversion first. Within about a year, he learned to read Hebrew and studied Jewish holidays and customs. He then returned to the Orthodox community and pursued an Orthodox conversion – and eventually, they accepted him.
Three years later, Jose was an Orthodox Jew. He and Tracey married shortly before her 21st birthday, just weeks after his conversion.
Married Life
Tracey and José had four children within six years. She describes their marriage as peaceful and deeply connected.
"I know it sounds cliché, but we never fought. Of course, we had disagreements, but never yelling, fighting, or the silent treatment. We always worked things out."
José, she says, was an incredibly involved and supportive husband. "He got up at night with the kids. He had a full-time job and traveled for work, but whenever he was home, he was fully present. He even made the challah."
World Turned Upside Down
Tracey's entire world turned upside down on May 11, 2001.
She'd only been back at work one week after maternity leave when, at 10:00 AM, a stranger called to say her husband had been in an accident and she should come get him.
José worked as an engineer and project manager for the fast-food chain Nando's, on his way to a site about to open. Thinking it was a minor fender bender, Tracey drove half an hour alone to the scene. Her stomach dropped when she arrived.
José had been overtaking another car on the highway when it merged into his blind spot and hit him. His car struck a pothole and rolled several times.
After paramedics got him into the ambulance, Tracey rode with him to the hospital. "I knew right then that I could not allow this to traumatize the kids. I decided I would do whatever I could to keep their lives as normal as possible."
She feared brain damage; paramedics mentioned a spinal injury. His arms moved wildly in different directions.
"Arriving at the hospital, three of his closest friends were already there, praying. That's the first image that stays with me. The community Psalms chats were going crazy. I remember the power and unity of the Jewish people."
Doctors ran tests for hours with no results. Jose remained unconscious in the ICU as Shabbat approached. Tracey went home to be with the children while Jose's brother stayed at the hospital. "I kept saying, 'If I go home and keep Shabbat properly, God is going to help us.'"
Her sister and brother-in-law came to spend Shabbat with her. As they sat at the table Friday night, the doorbell rang. It was Jose's brother, back from the hospital.
Tracey's heart sank. But her brother-in-law said, "José wants to know whether you took all the belongings from the car, and if you have the American Express card."
She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It was a good sign -- José had spent the past month reminding her about that card being unlimited. "Hearing him ask about it was music to my ears. I knew that, mentally, he was okay."
Then came the devastating part: while his mind was intact, José had become a quadriplegic. He spent eight months in the hospital.
After surgery to stabilize his neck, José drifted in and out of consciousness but was moved to rehab fairly quickly. He kept telling the nurses, "My throat is sore." One responded apathetically, "This is how you're going to be for the rest of your life. There's nothing physically wrong with you."
Shortly after, José spiked a fever. His pain was not typical at all; one of the surgical pins had pierced a hole in his esophagus. Food stopped going where it should, and he lost consciousness again. He'd developed sepsis.
Much of the extended hospital stay came from healing this complication, not the original accident.
Tracey's brother moved in for six months to help. She built a routine to survive: pump a bottle for the baby each morning, leave it with the nanny, take the kids to school, then head to the hospital for three hours with José. Home in time to feed the baby, help with homework, get everyone fed and to bed, then back to the hospital in the evening. Work assignments came late at night.
Tracey worked as PA to the chairman of the largest law firm in Pretoria, and years later, PA to the Chief Rabbi of South Africa. Without complaint, she did it all, every day.
Coming Home
When José was finally discharged, Tracey did everything she could to maintain normalcy. "I wasn't going to let this get in the way of life. We kept living."
The accident changed how Jose handled daily tasks – he needed a caretaker for daily function and required special glove just to feed himself – but it also transformed him emotionally.
"He was a different person, much more relaxed than he'd ever been. Everything used to be black and white for him, quite intolerant of things he didn't believe were right. The accident changed his perspective."
New Obstacles
Over the years, Tracey and José saw all four of their children get married. "He accompanied all of them down the aisle. He saw seven grandchildren born."
“I want people to understand that José did not suffer all the years in between hospitalization.” Tracey and José led normal lives. They hosted guests and went out for meals on Shabbat. He went to synagogue, we worked, and he watched the boys’ soccer games. He did everything but had to simply adapt.
“José was clever and had a witty sense of humor. He had the most infectious smile which was almost his trademark.”
One year ago, after decades of a full life at home, José was hospitalized again due to a dangerous imbalance of potassium and sodium. He spent a month in the hospital after developing pneumonia and needing a ventilator, then came home for three weeks, insisting the whole time that something was wrong, though there was no clear reason to readmit him.
Then one evening, Tracey came home to find him collapsed and unconscious on the bed. She called Hatzalah, the volunteer emergency service, and he was rushed to the hospital.
His lungs were weak from the prior admission, his body worn down by ICU fatigue, and he'd developed a fungal blood infection which was extremely difficult to treat.
"The doctors told us he wasn't going to make it. But we've seen miracles."
José fell into a coma. Doctors told the family to say their goodbyes: "He's hanging on because of you. Tell him you'll be okay without him, and maybe he can let go."
Tracey refused.
Weeks later, as José picked up infection after infection and failed to respond to treatment, his doctors again urged the family to stop. They asked for two more days. That was Tuesday.
On Wednesday, José regained consciousness on his own.
His physician was stunned: "I actually can't explain what happened here."
Tracey transferred him to another hospital where he improved and doctors began weaning him off the ventilator. He stayed there four months – almost a year total between both hospitals – before passing away suddenly from a bowel obstruction. "It was a tremendous shock to us. Within a day and a half, it was all over."
Though Jose's passing was sudden, his endurance and strength left a lasting impression on everyone who knew him.
Tracey's Tools of Resilience
Looking back, Tracey wouldn't change a thing. "I strongly believe that we choose our journey before we enter this world. This was our tikkun (soul's mission), and ultimately, we've had so many years of blessing and being together."
May José's memory be a blessing.
You're an inspiration, Tracey. And G-d willing, the day will come after the resurrection of the dead that you will be reunited with your soul-mate. May you have a good and sweet year!
Deeply inspirational. Thank you for sharing.