6 Mindsets for More Attractive Dating
How to reframe your thinking to reveal a better you.
If you’ve been having trouble finding dates, or finding the right dates, or even just feeling like you’ve lost track of yourself in the dating process, here are six ways to work on presenting your best self – by being your best self.
Gratitude. When we focus on gratitude, we steer our thoughts clear from misery and negativity. I have a three-step process for achieving this:
The first step is to recognize the gift you’re being given. Sam traveled from LA to New York to meet Rebecca. In the end, Rebecca decided that Sam was not for her. Instead of complaining, Sam looked back and appreciated his mini-vacation in the big city.
Step two is to receive graciously – even if it’s not a gift that you particularly wanted. It sounds simple, but sometimes we are not even aware that we received a gift, whether it’s material, an offer for help, or a compliment. Start seeing all the gifts in your life.
Step three is to express gratitude. Just say thank you! For example, if your date pays for dinner, thank him. Even if he pays for the next one and the next one; it’s not redundant.
Attitude. “Love is the pleasure of focusing on the virtues of another.” That’s a quote I love from Rabbi Noach Weinberg. Throughout dating, you will probably pick up on some negative traits in the other person. We all have some. Adjusting our attitude is about choosing to focus on the positive traits.
I recommend making a list of all the things you love about your date. Just the act of putting these things down on paper can help you focus on the positive – which is sometimes hard to do in the dating process.
Once you have your list, I recommend keeping it somewhere safe. The beauty is that after you’ve found “the one” and you’re married, you may need this list! Over the years, we sometimes slip and start to focus on the flaws of our spouse. When this happens, you can take out your list and remember why you fell in love with this person in the first place.
Balance. Having a healthy balance of work, family time, and time to yourself is key. Not sure how balanced you are? Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Am I too busy?
Am I having enough fun?
Am I working too much?
Do I spend enough time with my family?
If you find yourself unbalanced, then it’s time to make some changes. If you’re not sure what kind of changes to make, try connecting to something you’re passionate about. You might be amazed at the difference this alone makes in how you feel about your life.
Believe. Someone recently said to me, “Leah, maybe she’s not out there.” If deep down you doubt that you will ever find the one, I encourage you to try tweaking your belief barometer. You don’t need me to tell you to believe in yourself. But in order to believe in yourself, you need to know yourself.
An exercise I give my clients is to write down their top five most positive character traits and their top three most negative traits. A big part of the dating process is introspecting and understanding who you were, who you are, and who you want to become. Knowing this clearly will bring self-confidence with it.
Know that you are amazing and you do deserve the love you’re looking for. If you need help building up this belief, reach out to a mentor or friend for support.
Surrender. Surrender means to bring to an end the fight or the struggle. While many people think of surrendering as settling or giving up, I’d like to suggest looking at it in a different light. Surrender means recognizing that you can’t change anyone but yourself. It is about accepting that things will not, and cannot, always go 100% the way you want them to…or happen when you want them to.
Lauren really liked a guy, as their values matched up nicely and she could see this guy had a big heart. The only thing was, she was not super attracted to him. Lauren surrendered to finding exactly what she wanted. Over time the attraction grew, and in the end she got exactly who she needed and has been happily married for many years.
Self-Care. When you’re in a relationship, and even when you aren’t, you must have time for yourself. Don’t say “I’ll be happy when I’m married.” Be happy with yourself now. I recommend doing at least two things every day that make you feel happy and rejuvenated.
On most days my self-care musts are a 20 minute walk outside (or 20 minutes on the treadmill if it’s too hot) and a power nap in the middle of the day. Your self-care can be anything from exercise, to treating yourself to Starbucks, or attending an inspiring class – whatever nourishes you.
The Talmud says each that person must say about himself, “The world was created for me.” This means that you acknowledge you were put on this Earth for a purpose. The first step to fulfilling that purpose is taking excellent care of yourself.
Gratitude. Attitude. Balance. Believe. Surrender. Self-care. I call these mindsets GABBSS. We all have moments of feeling negative, unbalanced, hopeless, or run-down. But if you keep GABBSS in mind, it can help you reframe your thinking, take care of yourself, and feel more comfortable in your own skin.
May you use these mindsets to attract the right dates and become a healthier, more confident you.
What have you found to be the most helpful in attracting dates? Tell us about it in the comments.