2006 Jewlarious Awards
The Jewlarious Academy has voted, and the results are in…
Worst Non Jew Attempting to be a Jew
And the winner is...Michael Richards.
First Richards is caught on tape violently insulting African Americans, and starts making the rounds to black leaders on his apology and healing tour. But then it comes out that the former Seinfeld star had launched into an anti-Semitic tirade in a comedy club a few months previous. Another media nightmare for Richards? Cue highly paid publicist who comes to the rescue and says, "That's absurd. Michael is not anti-Semitic -- he is Jewish." Oh, well that seems reasonable. That makes it all better then. He only hates blacks, not Jews. The problem is, Richards is not Jewish at all; he was raised Catholic, and is reputed to be a Freemason. In his defense, Richards commented that he "feels Jewish." We at Jewlarious "feel like" Millionaire basketball stars, but unfortunately, the last thing we slam dunked was a jelly doughnut into our mouths. So Michael, "feeling Jewish" isn't enough to make you Jewish, but it is enough to get you a 2006 Jewlarious Award.
Best Non-Jew in a Supporting Role for the Jewish People
And the winner is... Warren Buffet.
Although sometimes confused with Jimmy Buffet, this 75-year-old gentile is not wasting away in Margaritaville. The world's second richest man announced in May that he was acquiring 80% of an Israeli metalwork conglomerate named Iscar for a record $4 billion dollars. Israeli media called it the "deal of the decade" and a "vote of confidence" for the Israeli economy. Bottom line, the Israeli government stands to reap an estimated $1 billion dollars in corporate taxes from the transaction. When asked what prompted him to make the huge investment in a relatively sleeper of a company, Buffet responded, "I just felt it in my kishkes that this was the right thing to do...that and I really like falafel." Unfortunately, rumors are circulating that Mr. Buffet may have overpaid slightly for his new acquisition. Apparently no one informed him that Jewish people just don't pay retail, and if he waited a few weeks, Iscar may possibly have gone on sale.
Worst Anti-Semitic Slur Resulting in Job Termination
And the winner is...Judith Regan
Say what you want about O.J., he loves the Jews -- Shapiro, Sheck and
Dershowitz in particular. O.J.'s one-time publisher, Judith Regan on the other hand? Not so much. Apparently unaware that Rupert Murdoch is not one of England's approximately 267,000 Hebrews, Regan blamed a "Jewish Cabal" for killing her beloved
book about how O.J. "would have" killed his wife and then compared herself to a victim of the Nazis stating, "Jews should know about the common enemy ganging up on them and telling the big lie." We thought it was just horribly bad taste that killed one of the most ill-conceived books in the history of literacy, but if you want to give us Jews credit instead -- we'll take it. In exchange, we'll give you a Jewlarious award -- oh, and Mr. Murdoch sent us a message: you can pick the award up on your way to the unemployment line.
Best Jew who you didn't think was a Jew
And the winner is...Paula Abdul
She has the last name of an Arab, and the dance moves of a gentile, but Paula Abdul is Jewish. She officially "outed" herself on the American Idol set after a visit with Israeli Tourism Minister Isaac Herzog who invited her to visit the Holy Land and even extended his matchmaking services offering to fix her up with a "nice Jewish boy." In response, Abdul commented, "He has to be a nice boy, I don't mind if he doesn't have much money, as long as my parents are happy." Rumors that former Abdul boyfriend Arsenio Hall has recently converted to Judaism are apparently false. However, there has been a curiously dramatic rise in Abdul's album sales in Israel. Congrats on your award Paula.
Worst Anti-Semitic Diatribe by a Former Ineffectual Leader
And the winner is...Jimmy Carter
This year, Jimmy Carter published a book titled, Palestine: Peace, not Apartheid. Since its release Mr. Carter's book has caused quite the stir with Dennis Ross alleging that Carter plagiarized portions of his book, and Kenneth Stein, one of the former president's aides saying that the book was filled with so many factual errors that it revealed nothing other than a strong bias, and as a result, Stein had no choice but to resign his position at the Carter Center. Carter has been remarkably surprised by the reaction, and says he is most troubled by the "rejection of my offers to speak, for free, about the book on university campuses with high Jewish enrollment." What is that supposed to mean – "for free"? Are you trying to insinuate something Mr. Carter – Jews are cheap? Maybe we would be more interested if you published a book on your other famous foreign policy experience titled Iranian Hostage Crisis: a 444 day Slumber Party. While we await your next publication with great anticipation, we as representatives of the Jewish people would like to present you with something – for free – a Jewlarious award. Congratulations.
Best Impersonation of Haman the Wicked
And the winner is... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
With a name that is tough to pronounce, he is not just giving media commentators a mouthful -- world leaders are aghast with his nuclear program and his threats to "wipe Israel off the map." Deputy Prime Minister of Israel and long time Israeli diplomat Shimon Peres responded by stating, "Iran isn't the only country that can do some wiping." Experts where not quite sure if Peres' statement was a veiled threat to strike at Iran's potential nuclear reactor like Israel's preemptive strike in Iraq in 1981 or just a reference to Mr. Miyagi's lessons from the 1984 classic, "The Karate Kid." Apparently, as a young man, Ahmadinejad studied hatred at the foot of his teacher Mohammad Taghi Mesbah Yazdi, who before any lesson in Holocaust denial would demand that his eager student start by waxing his collection of American classic cars, and pruning his bonsai trees. Now all grown up, student has surpassed teacher and Ahmadinejad is hating better than Yazdi could have ever imagined. He is doing such stellar work that we will be granting him the Lifetime Haman the Wicked Achievement Award.
Best Ruthless Dictator not Overtly calling for the Destruction of Israel
And the winner is...Kim Jong II
He oppresses his people. He has nuclear weapons and is selling his wares to rogue agents. He appears to be mentally unstable and has a 1950's woman's hair-do. He has all of the qualities that make for a perfect dictator except one – he isn't directly calling for Israel to be wiped off the map. But how can you be a good dictator without seeking Israel's destruction? All of the other dictators seem to be doing it. Even Fidel Castro, who is now confined to a hospital bed, seems to have time to lambaste the Jewish State as he proved in a recent conversation with his nurse Conchita who was feeding him second helpings of grape JELLO as per his request. But Kim Jong-Il has always been an independent thinker. Ever since his days as a little dictator growing up near Mount Paektu where, as his official biography states, his birth was, "foretold by a swallow, and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow over the mountain and a new star in the heavens." Okay - so he's delusional, and is a threat to the world, but maybe we can talk some sense into him. He doesn't hate the Jews as much as his dictator pals – so maybe he will listen to us: Mr. Il, on behalf of the world, please put your nukes away, and as a token of thanks you will receive this coveted Jewlarious Award.
Worst Jewish Publicity Stunt
And the winner is...Neturei Karta
Ashton Kutcher could learn a thing or two about Punk-ing people on an international level from the Neturei Karta. This radical fringe group, translated as "Guardians of the City," has caused a ruckus in the Jewish world by attending the Iranian Holocaust Denial Gala this December. The sight of Jews in traditional ultra-orthodox garb was an attempt to lend an air of legitimacy to the theories and machinations of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But Jewish reaction around the world as been unusually unified. The Chassidic Satmar community has come out against Neturei Karta and an Israeli ultra-Orthodox rabbinical court proclaimed the visit to Iran a "desecration of God's name throughout the world" and has excommunicated the group and refused them Jewish services in their local communities. For a group of people that number an estimated 5,000 people worldwide, they might just have to find a new city to be the "guardians" of. Perhaps "Guardians of Tehran?" That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it boys?
Best Mathematician Living with his Mother
And the winner is... Gregory Perelman
"My son is an accountant."
"My son is a doctor."
"My son is a lawyer."
"My son solved the 100 year old Poincare Conjecture earning the Fields medal (the world's most prestigious mathematics prize) and $1 million dollars, but didn't pick either up because he preferred to spend time with his me, who he lives with at the ripe old age of fifty in St. Petersburg."
Yes, this year, Gregory "Gresha" Perelman officially solved the world's most enduring and daunting mathematics problem with little fanfare, other than publishing his work on the internet. Lauded by the international mathematics community, he quit atop of his game, much like Michael Jordan did the first two times, with millions sitting on the table. Gresha, we only have one request, pick up the cash and send it to Jewlarious -- we need to hire a staff writer and we are out of pens. We will pay you back with a Jewlarious award, for making Mommy so proud. But do us a favor – come by and pick up your award this time.