Vayetzei 5785: Pain of Shame

GOOD MORNING!  When I was in high school – yes, many years ago – we had a very interesting discussion in class one day regarding how the mind works and its seemingly endless ability to forget certain things. I remember our teacher, Rabbi Abraham Groner of blessed memory, making a rather odd argument, “Forgetting things is actually one of life’s greatest blessings.”

He did not intend it in the way that Ronald Reagan who, after being stricken with Alzheimer’s, said, “The best thing about Alzheimer’s is that you meet new people every day.”

Rabbi Groner explained that as a person goes through life, they experience many painful episodes; mistakes, rejections, losses, etc. All of these incidents, ranging from uncomfortable to severely distressing, would overwhelm us and become quite debilitating if the mind did not actively work on “forgetting” them.

In other words, forgetting things can be considered a blessing because it allows the mind to prioritize information by letting go of negative past experiences so we can focus on the present.

Dr. Scott A. Small, director of the Alzheimer’s Disease Research Center at Columbia University and author of the book Forgetting – The Benefits of Not Remembering, points out that there is a big difference between “pathological forgetting,” which is associated with disease and aging, and “normal forgetting.”

The mind, says Dr. Small, is constantly sorting out which memories to keep and which to purge and forget – particularly when we sleep. In this way, the mind filters information and protects us from being overwhelmed by endless details. It also helps us let go of petty arguments and traumatic experiences that may overrun us emotionally. Finally, it clears the mind so that it may absorb more important and pertinent information. Essentially – forgetting actually helps us remember things.

Still, there are incidents in our lives that are harder to let go of than others. To be sure, there are things that cause us embarrassment, whether it is our own poor behavior or by being closely associated with someone else’s misdeeds. Often, there are moments when outside forces come into play; being teased for how we speak or a physical imperfection.

I am reminded of the joke about a young wife who was struggling with her weight and determined to stick to a diet. She and her husband attended a party and, much to her chagrin, her husband kept going back for additional servings of cake and ice cream. Finally, she could contain herself no longer and she admonished him, “That’s the fourth time you went back for double helpings of dessert. Aren’t you embarrassed to do that?”

“Why should I be?” answered her husband, “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

It’s important to note that there is a big difference between feeling guilty about something that we have done (or not done), and the feeling of shame that comes from a much deeper place within our psyche. Feelings of guilt, though painful, are less debilitating than shame and often can motivate a person to make positive change or reparations.

By contrast, feelings of shame can be devastating and can effect one’s sense of self. This is highlighted by a 2010 study done at the University of Bern. They studied shame in 2,600 volunteers between the ages of 13 and 89 and found not only that men and women manifest shame differently, but also that age seems to affect how readily people experience it. Adolescents are most prone to this sensation and the propensity for shame decreases in middle age until about the age of 50. Then, later in life, people again become more easily embarrassed.

This means that as our internal sense of who we are and how we fit into society develops and becomes more established, our concern about our self-image begins to wane. Much of this is about trying to be accepted within the social stratum that we desire. By middle age, our character is more or less set, and societal “norms” have less impact how we feel about ourselves. But as we enter old age we begin to worry about declines in our body and our appearance, and we once again feel self-conscious.

It is fascinating to note that the word ‘shame’ descends from the Proto-Indo-European root for ‘to cover.’ Linguists associate this with the fact that the feeling of shame is often expressed by a covering gesture over the brow and eyes, a downcast gaze, and a slack posture. But I think they are mistaken. Everything, as we know, originates from the Torah and it is instructive to look at the first place that shame is dealt with in the Torah.

When Adam and Eve sinned by eating from the Tree of Knowledge, they immediately became self-aware: “And the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized that they were naked, and they sewed together fig leaves and formed aprons” (Genesis 3:7). A few verses later – after the Almighty dealt with their transgression and the resulting consequences – we find a fascinating act of kindness from the Almighty, “God made for Adam and his wife garments of leather, and He clothed them.”

The Almighty made them clothes. The word the Torah uses for clothing them comes from the Hebrew word for clothing – “levush.” Many years ago, I heard from my brilliant father that this word is actually a contraction of two Hebrew words “lo vush – removing embarrassment.” Thus, we see that the reason that shame in English comes from the root ‘to cover’ is that it has a similar origin to the story that we find in the Torah. We want to cover our shame.

There is a story in this week’s Torah portion that highlights this point. Our forefather Jacob was sent by his parents to their ancestral homeland to find a wife. This episode takes place after Jacob took the blessings that Isaac had originally intended for his brother Eisav, and his brother was murderously furious. Their parents, knowing Eisav, felt that it would be good for Jacob to “get out of Dodge” and sent him far away – to what today would be considered Iraq – to find a wife.

Unfortunately, Eisav was a fairly shrewd fellow and would not be deterred. According to the sages, he sent his son Elifaz to murder Jacob on his journey east. But, as the great medieval Biblical commentator Rashi relates, Elifaz had been raised by his righteous grandfather Isaac and really did not want to kill Jacob. After overtaking Jacob on his journey, he confronted Jacob and admitted that he was conflicted as to whether or not to fulfill his father’s order.

Jacob devised an alternate solution, “Take all my possessions, I will therefore be impoverished, and a wealthy person who loses all his possessions is considered as if he is dead.” This refers to the deep sense of shame and emotional displacement that occurs when one makes a spectacular fall out of their social stratum. This is, according to the Talmud, one of four instances when a live person is considered as if he is dead.

But Jacob’s suggestion does not really seem like much of a solution. Obviously, Elifaz could not go back to his father and flat-out lie saying that he killed Jacob because the truth would eventually come to light. So even if according to the Talmud he is not technically violating his father’s command, how could this scheme possibly satisfy Eisav?

There is a well-known maxim in Judaism that is recorded in the Talmud: “He who publicly shames another it is as if he shed his blood” (Baba Metzia 58b). The Talmud continues, “all who descend into hell eventually come out – except he who publicly shames another.”

This is quite astonishing. The ultimate punishment for shaming someone is worse than the punishment received for actually killing him! How is this even possible?

The great medieval philosopher known as Rabbeinu Yonah of Girona (in Catalonia, Spain) writes in his famous work on repentance that the pain of shame is worse than death itself (Shaarei Teshuva 3:139).
The reason is quite obvious. When one kills someone, the pain caused, though severe, is temporary. Furthermore, the act of murdering someone takes place in a single instance.

However, when one suffers a deep humiliation, the pain is replayed over and over in their mind and is a source of continual suffering throughout their life. This, it can be argued, causes a much greater emotional trauma to the victim than the pain of nonexistence. Publicly humiliating someone is therefore a sin that perpetuates a lifetime of suffering for the victim.

In fact, when someone recalls a particularly humiliating situation, they often say, “I just wanted to die.” This is not necessarily hyperbole. Every time they recall the incident they suffer a similar feeling, particularly if the reason for the humiliation persists – like a wealthy person who loses everything, including their lofty perch in society. The emotional trauma to the victim can be so debilitating that, as the Talmud points out, it is as they are dead. This is why humiliating someone deserves a more severe punishment than murder.

This is also how Elifaz knew his father would be satisfied with him destroying Jacob’s self-worth. Jacob was going to find a wife, but he was now penniless and without a proper dowry. This humiliation was the kill that keeps on killing.

Vayetzei, Genesis 28:10 – 32:3

This week we have the trials and tribulations of Jacob living with and working for his father-in-law, Lavan. Jacob agrees to work as a shepherd for seven years in order to marry Rachel – only to have Lavan switch daughters on him at the wedding. (This is why we have the bedekin, the lifting of the veil, at traditional weddings – to ensure one is marrying the right bride.)

As Jacob tries to build his equity, Lavan changes their agreement time after time. After 20 years, the Almighty tells Jacob the time has come to return to the land of Canaan. Jacob and his household secretly leave only to be pursued by Lavan who has claims to put forth. The story ends with peace and blessings between Jacob and Lavan.