Thanks, But No Thanks

In this week’s Torah portion we meet Laban, the coldhearted swindler who repeatedly deceives Jacob. He tricks Jacob into marrying Leah instead of Rachel and, as Rashi explains (Bereishis 31:7), he then tries to cheat Jacob by changing the terms of their agreement more than 100 times.

And then the despicable Laban says something so completely out of character, you can’t help but stop in your tracks and take notice.

Jacob has completed the 14 years of work that he committed to do for Laban in exchange for marrying his daughters Rachel and Leah, and now he wants to return to Israel. Laban is not happy to see Jacob go, however: “But Laban said to him, ‘If I have found favor in your eyes! I have learned by divination that Hashem has blessed me on account of you’" (ibid 30:27).

Laban is telling Jacob, “I figured out the secret to my wealth – God blessed me because of you. Now, of course I don't want you to work for nothing, so let's cut a deal and figure out a way for you to continue working for me.” What is so striking is that Laban says that God, the transcendental, eternal Source of existence, is the One Who blessed him on account of Jacob. Does this appreciation of God sound like the Laban we know? Why has he suddenly become so pious?

We understand that Laban wants to manipulate Jacob to continue working for him, but that does not explain his admission that God is behind his success. Recognizing God as the Source of all your blessings is no easy task! That is why the Hebrew for thanks, todah, comes from root “to admit” – because saying thank you means we are admitting we have a debt of gratitude that must be repaid. None of us likes to owe anything to others. We have a tendency to minimize our debt of gratitude and thereby lessen the extent to which we are beholden to others and Hashem.

If we Jews, who say Shema Yisrael and Modim Anachnu Lach every day, have a tough time admitting that the Almighty has blessed us, how can a self-absorbed swindler like Laban explicitly recognize that God is the Source of all his blessings and wealth?

It’s All a Sham

One person understood Laban’s true intentions, and that was Jacob. Look at Jacob’s response to Laban's acknowledgement of God:

But he [Jacob] said to him, "You know how I served you and what your livestock were with me. For the little that you had before I came has expanded substantially as Hashem has blessed you with my coming; and now, when will I also do something for my own house?" (ibid 30:29-30)

Jacob is confronting Laban and telling him, "I see right through your verbiage and lies. Yes, God blessed you because of me. That's true, Laban. But God isn't the only One you need to thank. You cannot ignore the fact that I worked hard for your sheep. I was the one who took care of your livestock and increased the size of your flock. You owe me as well. And if you cannot recognize your debt of gratitude to me, then don't talk to me about how much the Almighty did for you."

Jacob has Laban's number. He understands that hakarat hatov, gratitude, begins with appreciating the debt you have toward humans. If you cannot admit to that more concrete debt of gratitude, then you cannot truly recognize your more ephemeral debt of gratitude to God. It’s all a sham.

Pharaoh vs. Moses

Pharaoh exhibited a profound lack of gratitude, as the Torah says, "A new king arose over Egypt who did not know of Yosef" (Shemos 1:8). Pharaoh was an ingrate of the highest order, because he did not recognize all that Yosef had done to save Egyptian society from starvation. This lack of gratitude made it possible for him to oppress the Jewish people, and inevitably led him to deny God. As the Midrash says, “Today Pharaoh does not know of Yosef; tomorrow he says, ‘I do not know Hashem.’” (Tanchuma, Shemos 5)

It is much easier to be real with another human being than it is to be real with God, because the Almighty cannot be perceived on a sensory level. Therefore, if you want to genuinely appreciate all the Almighty does for you, you first have to appreciate everything your parents have done for you. They are more concrete, and their giving is more real and far more tangible. First recognize your debt of gratitude to them, and then you will be able to appreciate what the Almighty has done for you and continues to do for you. The opposite is also true. If you cannot admit that you were helped by a human being, in the end you will certainly have a tough time admitting that you were helped by God.

Moses’s behavior was the opposite of Pharaoh’s; he excelled in his ability to be grateful. Moses not only appreciated the kindness he received from others, he was also careful to show his gratitude even to inanimate objects. As the Midrash says in explaining why Aaron, and not Moses, was the one who brought the plagues of blood and frogs, “Since the Nile protected Moses when he was cast into it, it therefore was not hit by him, neither with blood nor with frogs, but was hit by Aaron” (Rashi on Shemos 7:19, based on Tanchuma, Va’eira 14).

Pay Your Debts

Laban is willing to recognize God’s existence and even admit that the Almighty Himself is involved in the affairs of man and has personally blessed him, as long as he does not have to admit that he owes Jacob anything. That is why Laban suddenly uses the word God, which he never mentions again in the Torah.

Unless we are willing to recognize our debt of gratitude to our fellow man – whether it is to our parents, our friends, our teachers, or to anyone else who tries to help us – and to appreciate that the effort alone creates a debt of gratitude, then we do not recognize the good done to us. As a result, we will not be able to appreciate what the Almighty has given us, either. In the end, we may even say, “I do not know God. I did all this myself. It was my hard work, my intelligence, my commitment, that brought this about. I don’t owe God anything.”

We bristle against the idea that we are indebted to others. We do not like to recognize the good people do for us, for we think that being beholden to them impinges on our independence. But we are deceiving ourselves, just as Laban did. Real independence means having the inner strength and humility to appreciate the gifts we have received from the people in our lives. Doing so is the only way to truly appreciate the gifts we have received from the Almighty as well.