> Jewlarious > Funny Stuff

Top 10 Jewlarious Jokes About Marriage

January 31, 2019 | by Staff

The Jewish people love the institution of marriage. We also love to joke. What a perfect combination.

The Jewish people love the institution of marriage. We wouldn’t be here without out. We also love to joke – we probably wouldn’t be around without that either. With that in mind, we present you with our top ten jokes about marriage. And before you ask, yes, many of our jokes are about Moishe and Miriam. They’re having a rough go of it.

The Marriage Seminar

Rabbi Applebaum thought it would be a great idea to hold a marriage seminar at his congregation and sure enough, many of the couples showed up. The therapist was focusing on communication and Moishe and Miriam Silverman were listening as the therapist declared: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Moishe leaned over, touched Miriam’s arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Miriam, Moishe and Marriage

Miriam and Sarah were having one of their deep chats during one of their regular Thursday coffee outings when Miriam sighed and said, “You know, Sarah, if something every happened to my Moishe, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Sarah nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough for me too.”

Moishe and Miriam

Moishe and Miriam Lebowitz were driving down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, Moishe asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," replied Miriam, "the in-laws."

Moishe and the Case of the Forgotten Car Keys

As Moishe left a board meeting at shul, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot.

Moishe’s wife, Miriam, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. Moishe’s theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Miriam’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Moishe burst through the doors of the shul, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Miriam’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then Moishe made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," he stammered. He always calls her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. Moishe thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Miriam’s voice. "Moishe!" she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me."

Miriam retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

Moishe, the Hopeless Romantic

Moishe Friedman was working on being more romantic and communicative with his wife Debbie, although as hard as he tried, he wasn’t quite getting it.

Case in point, Moishe and Debbie were at the wedding of one of his nephews. As the music played during a recent wedding reception, Moishe leaned in and said to Debbie, “Sweetie, you are more beautiful than half the women here.”

No Marriage Counselling Required

Dave and Cindy Rothman had some friends over for Shabbos dinner when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. Cindy and I have a great relationship," Dave explained.

"She was a communications major in college and I believe it or not, I received a minor in theater arts."

“How does that help you?” asked their guest.

"Cindy communicates really well and I am very good at acting like I'm listening."

Romantic Lighting

Halfway through a romantic dinner at Chez Ricardo, Sid Samuels smiled at his wife Esther and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights."

Esther was falling in love with Sid all over again until he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."

Roses are …

A few old couples usually get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

“Really?” Mordy, one of the other men said, “What’s it called?”

After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “What are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? Mordy questioned.

“Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife Harry said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

The Honeymoon is Over!

Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah. "Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon, darling?"

"Oh mom," Sarah replies, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..." Then Sarah starts to cry. "Oh mom, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mom, get into your car now and come and take me home."

"Calm down, darling," says Leah, "Tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."

"Please mom, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away," says Sarah.

"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."

Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mom, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."

The Secret to long marriage

Beth Israel synagogue in New York provides marriage seminars: some are for women, some are for men and some for couples.

At the men’s seminar last week, the rabbi asked Shlomo about his marriage. Shlomo replied that he had been married for almost 50 years. The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands, “Nu, I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, help her keep a Kosher home, and take her on trips. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!”

The rabbi responded, “Shlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Shlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."

🤯 ⇐ That's you after reading our weekly email.

Our weekly email is chock full of interesting and relevant insights into Jewish history, food, philosophy, current events, holidays and more.
Sign up now. Impress your friends with how much you know.
We will never share your email address and you can unsubscribe in a single click.
linkedin facebook pinterest youtube rss twitter instagram facebook-blank rss-blank linkedin-blank pinterest youtube twitter instagram