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The Sixty Questions

April 17, 2016 | by David Kilimnick

60 questions I asked at last year Seder including: How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?!

During Passover seder we are encouraged to ask questions, the pinnacle being the famous “Four Questions” asked by the youngest attendee at the seder. As asking questions enhances the seder experience, I take this directive to heart. Below are the sixty questions I asked at my family seder last year:

Why did this child, we will call him the annoying child, take soup before me?

Why are we not eating yet?

Why is my shirt stained?

Why am I sitting at the kids’ table?

I am 30 years old and single, I get it. But why am I sitting at the kids' table?

Why do none of the kids understand the questions they just asked?

Why do I lean, when I am drinking wine, which stains?

Why does my sister-in-law spend $18,000 a year to send these kids to Jewish day school, when we have to help them sing the simple song, 'Mah Nitshtana'?

Why does this little kid not read Hebrew?

Charoset stains too?

Why is my three year old nephew still awake?

Why are we not eating?

Why do we only dunk twice on this night, when we have all the Israeli salatim (dips) on every other night?

What is kitniyot again?

What is a legume?

Why was everybody screaming at all the children to shower, a good eight hours before the holiday started?

Why am I drunk already? It was only one cup of wine?

Why are we drinking on an empty stomach?
Why are these kids still up?

If we are talking about knocking out the kid’s teeth, why are all these children still running around? Do they not take our threats seriously?

Why did my brother’s wife just tell her child that she has to go into timeout? Is that the modern day alternative to knocking out the teeth?

Why does everybody laugh when we give somebody the ‘wicked son’ to read?

How many more people have something to share about the four sons?

Why is the little one leaning on me?

Do we read about the annoying son?

Can we talk about this child sitting next to me?
Why are these kids still up?

Why did I spend twenty minutes cutting up toilet paper before the holiday?

When are we going to eat?

Why don't we ever talk about the Jews who didn't leave Egypt?

Why did my aunt tell my cousin that if she would have screamed like this in Egypt, she wouldn't have been freed?

Why are all of these random people at our meal? 

Why is my cousin still yelling?

Why do we need all of these toys to let us know what the plagues were?

Why would little Styrofoam balls remind me of hail?

Why does the frog toy not move, when I push on the back?

Since when is food coloring considered blood?

Does blood stain like charoset?

How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?!

What is a kazayit? Before I eat the matzah, I want to know- is it the size of an olive, egg or melon?

Why do I have to stuff all of this matzah in my mouth within three seconds?

How does one actually commemorate the death of the first born?

Why is my stomach hurting already? I have only eaten half a piece of matzah?

Why did this child, we will call him the annoying child, take soup before me?

The house is not very clean. Maybe you actually cleaned this place with a feather?

If it is not fit for a dog to eat, it is not considered chametz. Does that mean that we can eat my roommate’s food?

Why is the light in our fridge never on?

Why are we the only family in the community that did not go to a hotel this Passover?

Why do I have to move the food to the other side of the table? Is it in our genes to eat anything within arm’s reach? Can't these people control their eating habits for one night?

Is brisket the only kosher cut of meat?

If Elijah doesn’t drink that cup, can I have it?

I actually like bread made out of potato starch. If it is enjoyable, can I still eat that on Pesach?

Why do all the Jews go to the zoo on Chol Hamoed (intermediary days of the holiday)?

Are there other permitted activities for religious children, asides from the zoo?

Why do non-Jews not smuggle food into zoos, movie theaters and hockey games?

Why do non-Jewish people wear baseball hats when they travel, when they are already not Jewish?

I like the tune of the song ‘Who Knows One,’ but why the pop quiz?

I would have studied if I knew that I needed to know Thirteen. Is there a cheat sheet?

Does anybody know thirteen?

Why am I sitting at the kids table?

Why are my nephews still yelling?

Why did the kids just get screamed at for asking questions at the Seder?

Why is nobody answering any of my questions?

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