The Pitt's Dr. Robby Needs a Jewish Intervention
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Even the strongest marriages can crumble under careless words. Discover seven phrases that quietly damage trust and love—and what to say instead to strengthen your relationship.
Most couples enter marriage believing their bond will naturally endure. Yet, most divorces come as a surprise—often triggered by words or actions both partners later wish they could undo. Some phrases can cut deep, eroding trust and love faster than you realize. To protect your relationship, here are seven things you should never say to your spouse.
Stay away from the words “always” and “never” when speaking to your spouse. Firstly, it’s rarely true. Your spouse doesn’t always act in a way you don’t like, even if in the moment it feels like it. But more importantly, it backs your partner into a corner, making them feel defensive instead of working with you to communicate about the issue.
Making your spouse feel like they are wrong for being upset is a subtle, if unintentional, form of gaslighting. It communicates to your spouse that their perspective of reality doesn’t make sense or matter. Telling your spouse to “just calm down” makes them feel misunderstood and more upset than they were before.
When something goes wrong, as it inevitably will, be careful not to direct all of the blame onto your spouse. Even if they made a mistake that contributed to the situation, that doesn’t mean that it’s all their fault. They already probably feel guilty and stressed about their mistake. Trying to make them feel worse about it will only lead to a defensive reaction and an argument. Similarly, saying “I told you so” is rarely helpful and creates resentment.
These words lead to an abrupt shut down of communication and hurt feelings. Even if an issue makes you frustrated or angry, it’s better to let your spouse know that you are not yet ready to talk about it but that you care because you know it is important to them. Along these lines, saying “it’s fine” when you really mean that it’s not fine is dismissive and sets a tone of general apathy in the relationship.
Beginning a sentence with these words puts your spouse in an impossible position. If they don’t want to do what you are asking them to do, they’re automatically accused of not being a loving partner. And even if they agree to whatever it is that you are asking of them, they will feel resentful for being pressured into the situation.
In a healthy marriage, spouses should not have to keep proving their love to each other. Your spouse decided to marry you; that is proof enough of their love.
“Comparison is the enemy of happiness” and nowhere is this more true than in the context of your marriage. Telling your spouse that you wish they would be more like a neighbor, family member or worst of all, an ex of yours is not only hurtful but will create ongoing struggles with trust and insecurity in your relationship.
Don’t compare your spouse to anyone else; you don’t know the full picture of other people’s lives and struggles and your spouse deserves to be seen for who they uniquely are.
Even in your angriest moments, do not threaten to leave or tell your spouse to leave. Bringing up divorce in the heat of the moment when they really don’t mean it can have long term deleterious effects on your marriage, even if you didn’t mean it and apologize afterwards. It opens the door to the possibility of your relationship ending and erodes the basic trust in the marriage that you will persevere together through the hard times.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). Your words are powerful. What you say to your spouse can nurture or destroy your marriage. Choose your words carefully.
I've been blamed so often that it became a joke.
Now I tell everybody that I've been blamed for the war in Veit Nam!
One time my wife asked what I would like for supper. I replied "food". Then I asked her if she learned to cook from her mother and she said "yes". I then asked her if I had ever refused anything she made for us. Her answer this time was "No". Then I added that I would be happy with even a simple meal. She accepted this very nicely.
Thanks for this. Great help for our more than 30 years together. Keep it up 🙂
“I regret getting married to you”
Oy Vay
I think you should write under each paragraph what are better alternatives.
Item 7, threatening to leave, is what destroyed my marriage. When, after eleven years of this threat, I finally told him, "how soon can you leave", he said he didn't mean it. He said, "I just said it to bully you." It was too little, too late.
The tyranny of “should…”
recommend to (nearly) eliminate that from everyone’s vocabulary. It usually implies that something or someone is wrong or is guilty. And when said to or about another person, also implies that the speaker and only the speaker is “right.”
"I can not do this" - meaning I am of the opinion that this task is impossible. It's a basic principle of faith, that God wants us to stretch us.
"I don't want do do this" - meaning my will and my disire is more important than god's will and the love to the other.
Talmud (Shabbat 31a) tells about a convert, stated that he would accept Judaism only if a rabbi would teach him the entire Torah while he stood on one foot. First Shammai, who, insulted, threw him out of the house. Then Hillel. He said: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation of this—go and study it!"
You need self love, and empathy for the other needs.
If I heard some of these things I would be quiet and start looking around for a replacement.
Agree with all of these. I think I may have said number one a couple of times in 37 years marriage but having read this, I will make sure to eliminate that one also!
I find that this type of advice also applies to other relationships such as between parents and children and interesting enough, between employers and employees.
If you corrrect me (believing you can do better)...it's now your job.
Wonderfully wise and helpful…thankyou!
SYSTEMATICALLY PERFECT
How about these 3 words.
WHAT ABOUT ME ?
Great advice. Should "come up" as HOME PAGE when opening every electronic device