How to Stop Taking Things Personally

"Don't take it personally; it's not about you." While this advice is usually well-intentioned, it can be challenging to internalize, especially when dealing with a grumpy co-worker or a harsh comment from a loved one.

Let's face it – we’re all emotionally connected, particularly with our family and friends, so complete indifference isn't realistic or healthy. But you can learn to manage your sensitivity more effectively, preventing personal affronts from causing undue stress or leading to negative self-perceptions. You can also learn to see things in a new way, allowing you to reclaim your power and manage the hit from others' words more effectively.

"Do not look at the vessel but what is inside it" (Ethics of the Fathers 4:27). This profound teaching, originating from a section of the Mishnah known for its wisdom and ethical teachings, encourages you to focus on your worth and character rather than how others perceive you. Adhering to this principle can be challenging in a society that frequently prioritizes external appearance and status over inner virtues. However, you can reclaim your power by understanding and internalizing this wisdom. Remember that people's opinions of you doesn’t define your worth or identity; it’s your inner qualities and actions that define who you are.

Not taking things personally is a powerful way to reclaim your inherent power and assert your unique identity. When you detach from the impact of others' words or actions, you free yourself from the constraints of external validation and allow your self-worth to stem from within. This fosters a sense of empowerment as you become less influenced by negative feedback and more focused on your personal growth and development.

Furthermore, not taking things personally allows you more flexibility to be your own person. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas without fear of judgment or criticism, facilitating authenticity and self-assuredness. This process of conscious detachment is not about disregarding others' opinions but about giving yourself the freedom to choose which feedback is constructive and valuable for your journey and which is not. It's about reclaiming the power to shape your self-image and reality.

Judaism offers several perspectives that can help individuals avoid taking things personally.

Here are a few key points:

1. Created in the Image of God: Judaism teaches that everyone is created "b'tzelem Elohim", in God's image. This concept, found in Genesis 1:27, underscores every individual's inherent worth and dignity. Therefore, one's value isn't determined by others' opinions or criticisms but by their unique relationship with the Divine.

2. Don’t Speak Negatively: Jewish law takes a strong stand against speaking harmful speech, including gossip, slander, and derogatory remarks. If someone speaks negatively about you, it's seen as their failure to observe this law, not a reflection of your worth.

3. Don’t Judge Others: The Mishnah states, "Do not judge your fellow until you have stood in his place" (Ethics of the Fathers 4:4). It encourages understanding and empathy, reminding you that people's negative behavior often stems from their own struggles, not from your actions or worth. The Mishnah also teaches to give others the benefit of the doubt (Ethics 1:6). By assuming positive intent, you can prevent yourself from taking others' actions or words personally.

4. The Power of Repentance: Judaism emphasizes the ability to grow and change through teshuvah, repentance. This process involves recognizing and acknowledging mistakes, making amends, and committing to avoid repeating the mistake. It's a reminder not to internalize failure or criticism but to use them as catalysts for growth and improvement.

5. Controlling Your Reactions: "Who is strong? He who controls his passions" (Ethics 4:1). According to this teaching, strength comes not from physical power but from the ability to control one's emotional reactions. In Judaism, anger and other negative emotions are seen as destructive forces that can harm relationships and cause damage. Instead, we are encouraged to practice patience, understanding, and forgiveness.

These teachings offer a framework to understand that negative comments or actions often reflect more on the person expressing them than the individual receiving them. By embodying these principles and managing your responses, you can nurture a mindset of personal growth and compassion towards both yourself and others. This enables you to live authentically, without the fear of external perceptions, maintaining your flexibility and resilience.

References

Weinstein, A., & Cohen, I. (2019). It's Within You: A Detailed Road Map to Igniting Deeper Self-Worth, Richer Relationships, and Greater Personal Freedom. Miami, FL: Harte & Co Publishing.