How to Embarrass Your Teenage Daughter.
Pepper your conversations (and texts) with “lol”, “legit”, and “so awkward!”
Everyone knows that a teenage girl is supposed to find her mother embarrassing. If your daughter tells you that you couldn’t embarrass her more if you tried, then you are doing just fine and this list is not for you. However, it is easier for some than for others, so if you would like some tips in this area, you have come to the right place.
Wear comfortable clothing. If you have experience with teenagers, you know that comfort and style are inversely proportional. Any pair of shoes that doesn’t pinch or squeeze your feet will horrify your daughter. Bonus points if you go shopping with her and suggest something that you would be willing to wear for her to try on.
Get friendly with your daughter’s friends. You can start off slowly, just by greeting them briefly when they visit. Eventually, though, work up to more lengthy conversations. Note that the friends’ level of interest in speaking to you is irrelevant. If it reaches the point that you know something about the friend before your daughter finds out, you are definitely on the path to success.
Volunteer. No, this does not mean that you should put time and effort into charitable endeavors. I’m talking about offering to be an “assistant” at any and all types of performances and shows. Magician needs a helper? That’s you! Audience members onstage at a concert? Step right up! Listening to a lecture? Be sure to ask and answer as many questions as you can. It’s okay if your answers are wrong, you aren’t being graded!
Speak like a teenager. Now, pay attention, because there are two aspects to the embarrassment here. First of all, you aren’t a teenager, so it will sound to your daughter like scratching nails on a blackboard. Second, you are going to do it wrong. That’s why this tip is very easy to follow. All you have to do is try to sound like a teenager, and you win whether you accomplish it or not. So yes, starting today, make sure to pepper your conversations (and texts) with “lol”, “legit”, and “so awkward!” Be particularly careful to do this when your teen is within earshot, but if she isn’t, don’t worry, she will find out somehow.
Demonstrate that you still think of her as your baby. There are many ways to do this. Beginners can try something quick and simple, like pinching your daughter’s cheek. Other ideas include: call her by a nickname that she used when she was younger. Show people pictures of her as a baby or toddler. “This is my daughter in the Shabbat outfit she picked out herself at two years old. Her fashion sense has matured a lot!” It also works if you just tell a story about something cute your teen did when she was very young. (Actually, it’s okay if it’s something she did recently-in fact, that might be even better!) Contact the camp office and ask them to take good care of your daughter…while she is working as a counselor.
Tell her date how wonderful she is. If he stops by to pick her up, you should try your best to be the one to open the door so that you can invite him in. That way, you will maximize your chances to say something embarrassing. However, unless you are a natural at this, you can’t stop there! Think of every way you can demand to know if he is worthy of your wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, talented daughter. This requires a certain level of skill, since you want to constantly steer the conversation to these topics. Try alternating between asking him about himself, talking about your daughter, and a combination. (“So, are you as smart as my daughter? She got an A+ in her Bat Mitzvah classes, you know!”) Since this is an advanced level method, it would be a good idea to practice the first five tips before attempting this.
This was just a sampling of the ways that you can embarrass your teenage daughter. Once you start working on it, it becomes easier. You will never run out of opportunities to fulfill this parental obligation, all it takes is the right focus. I hope that this list helped you get on the right track.