When Did Thin Become the Measure of a Woman’s Worth?
I'm a Type 3. That explains a lot about me.
I love a good personality test. Tell me there's a way to better understand myself, Hubby, my friends and coworkers and I'm in.
So when Adina Kor, a therapist turned Aish educator and dating coach who combines psychology with Jewish wisdom, sat down with me to explain the Enneagram, she had me figured out pretty quickly.
Apparently, I'm a Type 3, an Achiever.
Anyone who knows me is probably laughing right now. I've built businesses, written cookbooks, raised six children, changed careers more times than I can count, and I still wake up thinking about what I can accomplish next.
And then she started explaining what being a Type 3 actually means.
That's when things got fun.
The Enneagram describes nine personality types, each with its own core desires, fears, strengths and challenges. What makes it interesting is that it doesn't just explore how we behave. It asks why we behave that way.
And apparently, I'm a Three. Adina knew immediately, because she's also a Three, so she says we can easily recognize each other.
Threes are called the achievers. We're motivated by making an impact, accomplishing things and helping ourselves and others reach our potential. I was feeling pretty good about this diagnosis until Adina explained the downside.
Threes can become so focused on achievement and how others perceive them that they lose touch with their authentic selves. They can become overly concerned with success, recognition and presenting the right image.
What fascinated me was that the very traits that help us succeed can also become the things we most need to work on. A person who values doing what's right might become overly critical. Someone who loves helping others might struggle to set boundaries. A natural leader might find it difficult to admit weakness.
The strengths aren't the problem. It's what happens when we don't recognize how those strengths can work against us.
In Judaism, we talk about middot, our character traits, and tikkun, the personal work we're here to do. We each have strengths to develop and weaknesses to refine. Adina explained that our personalities can offer clues about both our mission in life and the areas where we need to grow.
I loved that idea because it changes how we look at our shortcomings. Instead of seeing a difficult trait as something fundamentally wrong with us, we can recognize it as something we're meant to work on. And sometimes, with a little adjustment, that same trait can become one of our greatest strengths.
Of course, the moment Adina started explaining the different types, I began diagnosing everyone in my life. I could picture the friend who signs up for every meal train, the person who needs everything done exactly right, and the coworker who seems completely unfazed by what anyone thinks.
But Adina made an important distinction. Two people can do exactly the same thing for completely different reasons. Someone might volunteer because they genuinely love nurturing others, while another person might do it because checking something off a list makes them feel accomplished.
Same act, different motivation. And understanding that motivation can help us recognize what we need to work on.
Adina teaches the Enneagram at the beginning of the school year. Before her students can work on relationships, dating or personal growth, she wants them to understand themselves. Because how can you work on something if you don't understand what's driving it?
But she also warned against using a personality type as an excuse. We can't simply say, "Well, I'm a Three. That's just how I am." That might explain why we reacted a certain way, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't try to respond differently next time.
My sister-in-law has a saying: "I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining." Our personalities are for understanding, not for excusing.
I don't need to stop being an achiever. I can use that drive to accomplish meaningful things and help others grow. But I also need to recognize when my desire to succeed makes me overly concerned with what people think.
That's the beauty of Jewish personal growth. God gives us our individual strengths, but He doesn't expect us to remain exactly as we are. Understanding ourselves is the beginning of the work, not the end.
And as much fun as I had figuring out everyone else's personality, I think I left this conversation with a little more work to do on my own.
Watch my full conversation with Adina Kor on The Jamie Geller Show.
