Chukat-Balak 5786: Conflict and Control

GOOD MORNING! Last week’s column discussed discord in the USA and in our personal lives; this week’s column utilizes important Torah lessons to address those issues. It is rather remarkable that one of our greatest leaders was primarily concerned with this issue.

“The entire nation saw that Aaron had passed away, and they wept for Aaron for thirty days, the entire House of Israel” (Numbers 20:29).

In contrast, the Torah’s later description of the mourning that followed Moses’ death is: “The Children (Bnei) of Israel wept for Moses on the plains of Moab for thirty days” (Deuteronomy 34:8). The implication being that Moses was only mourned by the men. The great medieval Biblical commentator Rashi points out that the more inclusive wording (“the entire House of Israel”) indicates that Aaron was mourned by the entire nation – the men and the women.

But why would more of the nation mourn Aaron than Moses? Because Aaron had made it his life’s mission to be a “rodef shalom – a pursuer of peace,” i.e. working to settle disputes between friends and to end quarrels between spouses.
The famed medieval sage known as Maharal (Rabbi Judah Loew 1520-1609; the title “Maharal” is an acronym for “Moreinu HaRav Loew – Our Teacher, Rabbi Loew”) questions Rashi’s explanation of this verse.

How can it be, he asks, that the women did not mourn the death of the great Moses as well? After all, Moses led them out of Egypt – from slavery to freedom – and it was in his merit that they were sustained by the manna throughout their forty years in the desert. Additionally, he was their greatest defender! He was the one who always prayed on behalf of the Jewish people time and time again after their repeated insurrections against the Almighty. Furthermore, there were many other miracles for which Moses served as the catalyst! What’s going on here?

Maharal suggests that Aaron interacted with the Jewish people on a more personal level than Moses did; Moses was the leader of the entire people and, though they all received sustenance in his merit, he did not interact with them on an individual basis. Therefore, Moses had less of a connection to the entire congregation. By contrast, Aaron always dealt with people on a personal level – discussing the individual perspectives of each party in order to settle disputes.

As a result, the people viewed Moses’ death as the loss of a great leader and it was a national loss. However, when Aaron died, the entire nation felt the loss on a personal level because they felt they had lost someone with whom they had a deep personal relationship. Moreover, because Aaron had spent much of his life working on “shalom bayit – domestic tranquility” his death also represented a loss to the family unit, and the entity of the “family” also mourned his passing.

According to the sages in the Talmud (Sanhedrin 6b), Aaron had an interesting method for resolving a quarrel between neighbors: He would first approach one of the parties to the dispute and tell him, “I have spoken to your friend, and he is filled with remorse over his conflict with you. He wants to make peace with you, but he is simply too ashamed to do so.” Then he would approach the other party and repeat the same story. This would invariably result in a reconciliation between the two sides.

Yet it is difficult to understand how Aaron’s strategy was effective. Could he really have managed long-term success in fostering peace between warring parties by lying to each side? Even if the tactic worked once or twice, it stands to reason that people would have caught on eventually and realized that they were being manipulated. What was the secret to his success?

In truth, the Talmud’s account of Aaron’s modus operandi reveals a penetrating insight into human nature, one that can be a key aspect to understanding how to get along with other people.

Usually, when people become involved in a serious dispute, it is not the sole responsibility of the other “offending” party for causing the hostilities. Disputes frequently reflect peoples own feelings of inadequacy, fears, flaws, etc.

This can rather easily be understood when we consider the volcanic emotions evoked but ultimate silliness of “road rage.” Most people’s feelings of animosity or antipathy toward others can be traced back to frustrations with themselves. Maybe they know they need to work on punctuality but are running late and then someone is driving “too slow” ahead of them (too slow being the speed limit); this leads to a disproportionate anger and overly aggressive driving, which doesn’t really have anything to do with the person in front of them.

So too, a person who is frustrated with life, who feels unaccomplished or senses that he has failed to live up to his potential, will often find fault with others and quarrel with them. Because he perceives no real sense of his own personal space, he is innately unhappy, and he is constantly trying to carve out space outside of himself. Anyone who crosses those boundaries is seen as undermining his sense of self and he will react violently to that intrusion.

By contrast, a person who is happy and satisfied with his life will get along well with everyone because he is not looking for himself or personal space. He doesn’t need external validation; he has created his own internal validation. Therefore, other people’s actions can’t take anything away from him. He is far less likely to react angrily to perceived intrusions on his space or his self-definition.

This was Aaron’s approach to dealing with disputes. Aaron would convey to each of the parties, “The fact that your friend is quarreling with you really has nothing to do with you; it’s all about him and his own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. It was his own problems that led him to fight with you in the first place, and the truth is that he would much prefer not to continue the fight. As far as he is concerned, this fight is just another reason for him to feel inadequate. He yearns to end this issue now rather than having it add to his other issues.”

Even if neither party to the dispute verbalized these feelings, the message was completely true. As long as it was accompanied by love – the type of love that Aaron was capable of displaying, and which earned him the trust of others – this was an incredibly powerful message; one which had the ability to terminate the most rancorous disputes.

Similarly, the sages tell us that Aaron also used this tactic to influence others to improve their religious observance. Rather than rebuking a person who had slipped in his observance, Aaron would make an effort to befriend him. If Aaron the High Priest was his personal friend, the sinner would feel elevated and would be interested in pursuing a better relationship with the Almighty. The underlying message to the sinner was that he wasn’t a sinner at all but a truly good person, and that his sins were merely the result of his own human shortcomings – things within his control to improve. By helping the person feel better about himself, Aaron would help him overcome the drive to sin.

There is nothing more empowering for a person than having complete control over himself – his feelings, his reactions, and his interactions with others. Recognizing that we can control ourselves can have a tremendous impact on all of our relationships. We cannot control other people or their reactions to us, but we can control how we relate to them. Our reactions are what truly affect our relationships with others, which means that it is in our hands to create functional relationships – to make our marriages work, to make our friendships work, and even to make our relationship with the Almighty work.

This understanding is one of the foundations of “shalom bayis – domestic tranquility.” A husband and wife must realize that when there are deficiencies in their relationship, when they do not get along as they should, it is often not the result of the dynamics between them, but rather of their respective internal issues and problems.

Practically speaking, there is no relationship that cannot be repaired or maintained, as long as each person is willing to recognize that any flaws in the relationship stem from their own insecurities and lack of fulfillment. If both parties in a relationship subscribe to this reality, then the relationship can become a healthy and functional connection.

In order to bring the message of Aaron into our own lives, we must recognize the true source of our conflicts and harness the power of that realization. If we truly seek holiness or world peace, we need to take responsibility for our actions and address the root causes of our conflicts with others – those that lie within ourselves.

Chukat, Numbers 19:1 - 22:1 and Balak, Numbers 22:2 - 25:9

The Jewish people wander the desert for their final year. The laws of the red heifer (Parah Adumah) are stated; it was burnt with cedar wood, hyssop, and scarlet thread. The ashes were then used in a purification ceremony for those who had come in contact with the dead. Strangely enough, all who were involved in the making of the ashes became ritually impure, but all who were sprinkled with them became ritually pure. It is a lesson that we must do the commandments even if we can’t understand them. God decreed the commandments. They are for our benefit. We may not always know why.

Miriam, Moses’ sister and a prophetess, dies. The portable well that had accompanied the Israelites on her merit ceased to flow. The people rebel against Moses and Aaron because of the lack of water. The Almighty tells Moses to speak to the rock for water. Moses gets angry and hits the rock instead and water rushes forth. However, the Almighty punishes Moses and Aaron for not sanctifying Him by forbidding their entry into the land of Israel. (It pays to follow instructions and to withhold anger!)

Aaron dies. His son, Elazar, is appointed the new High Priest. The Canaanite king of Arad attacks the Israelites and is soundly defeated. There is another rebellion over the food and water, which is answered by a plague of poisonous snakes. Moses prays for the people and is instructed by God to put the image of a snake on a high pole. All who see it will think of God, repent, and live.

The Israelites then annihilate the Amorites and Bashanites who deny us peaceful passage and attacked us.

Parshat Balak is one of the most fascinating, psychologically-revealing portions in the whole Torah! Bilaam, a non-Jewish prophet, was granted a level of prophecy close to Moses’ level of prophecy. The Almighty gave Bilaam these powers so that the nations of the world could not say at some point in the future, “If we had a prophet like Moses, we too would have accepted the Torah and would have lived according to it.” Bilaam is an intriguing character — honor-driven, arrogant and self-serving. Unfortunately, not too unique amongst mankind.

Balak, the king of Moav, wanted to hire Bilaam (for a not-so-small fortune) to curse the Jewish people. It is interesting that Balak believed in God and the power of invoking a curse from God, yet thought that God would change His mind about His Chosen People (God is not one to change His mind). Bilaam was very desirous of the assignment to curse the Jews.

The Almighty allowed Bilaam to go to Balak (cautioning him to only say what God told him). The Almighty gives every person free-will and allows us to go in the direction that we choose. Three times Bilaam tried to curse us and three times the Almighty placed blessings in his mouth. Balak was furious! So, Bilaam gave him the following advice with hopes of collecting his fee; “If you want to destroy the Jewish people, entice the men with Moabite women and tell the women not to submit until the men bow down to an idol.” Balak followed the advice and consequently the Almighty brought a plague against the Jewish people because the men fell for Bilaam’s plot. We see from this that the Almighty hates licentiousness and idol worship.