Three Things Every Jew Needs to Hear at the Seder This Year
6 min read
Lasting love doesn’t just happen; it’s something you create. This also applies with your relationship with God.
The holiday of Shavuot celebrates the day God gave the Jewish people the Torah at Mount Sinai. The Talmud states that the Giving of the Torah was more than a mere transaction; it was a theophanic wedding and the beginning of a relationship with God.
The depiction of a wedding between the Jewish people and God appears in many rabbinic texts1. This description has its roots in Biblical texts such as in Hoshea (2:21) where God says “And I will betroth you forever.”2 Just as a marriage between two people is based on a mutual commitment, our relationship to God is predicated on an intimate devotion to each other.
A more perplexing tradition depicts the divine wedding as a marriage between the Jewish people and the Torah itself.3
What does it mean to be married to the Torah? Presumably, the Torah, a legal work, makes more sense to be conceptualized as a Ketubah, a marriage contract that delineates responsibilities. Although supremely holy, it is unclear what it means for a nation to be married to an inanimate document.
One avenue to deciphering this mystery may be gleaned from couples counseling. There is a stark disparity between how marriage is depicted in Hollywood rom-coms and real life that picks up after the fairytale, “happily ever after” ending. Marriages are never devoid of struggle. They have ups and downs, times of blissful love and times of agonizing indifference. The moments of enchanted intimacy are important, but they do not typically predict a marriage’s long-term success. The real work of marriage takes place after the glow of those Hollywood moments fade away.
Many people become depressed when the harsh reality of “washing the dishes, running carpools, and paying tuition kick in. As psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers said, “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
Although contracts aren’t typically associated with images of passionate intimacy and love, researchers have found that, counterintuitively, the contractual elements of marriage can be utilized as tools to enhance relationships as well. In her New York Times article, “To Fall in Love, Sign on the Dotted Line,” Mandy Len Catron discusses the importance of creating “relationship contracts” in order to help couples express their needs and work together to craft the parameters of their own unique relationship. Although the legalistic moniker may sound unromantic to some, Catron stresses that it is simply a way to exhibit one's investment into the relationship and their dedication to try their best.
One element of a relationship contract, whether formally written or not, should include scheduled acts to enhance the relationship. Renowned couples’ therapists Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples to identify the patterns that lead some couples to thrive and, conversely, others to struggle. One factor that was found among couples who reported relational dissatisfaction was that they were reluctant to schedule acts of relational connection. Many feel that love must be spontaneous in order to be successful. The Gottmans showed, however, that planning consistent acts of connection – whether they be daily text messages, date nights, or even hugs – helped couples stay close even during distressing times. Rather than seeing these acts as “fake,” these couples saw them as opportunities for connection.
Relationship contracts and scheduled acts of connection reveal that the seemingly mundane, even contrived, elements of relationships are just as important to the relationship’s success as are the moments of lovestruck romanticism. In fact, in some ways they are more important.
Judaism is filled both with moments of supreme inspiration and moments of every-day perspiration.
In his The Art of Loving, German psychoanalyst Erich Fromm bemoaned the phrase, “falling in love,” as it connotes love as a passive experience. Lasting love, says Fromm, is not something that happens to you; it’s something you create. One way to create love is through embracing the contractual elements of it. Doing the dishes may be an obligatory nuisance, but when seen as an act of service towards one’s partner it can also cultivate intimacy.4
The dialectic of intimacy and contractual obligation is not just a feature of relationships between two people, it’s also a part of our relationship with God. Judaism is filled both with moments of supreme inspiration and moments of every-day perspiration.
These “contractual” elements of Judaism can serve as a vehicle to enhance our relationship with God. Obligations and contracts can be expressions of our dedication to God and our desire to keep the relationship strong.
Scheduled acts of connection are also relevant to our relationship to God. One Hasidic Rebbe homiletically interpreted of the word “kidshanu,” (who sanctified us) recited in a blessing prior to performing a mitzvah as an allusion to word kiddushin, connoting betrothal, to represent the fact that every mitzvah is an opportunity of marital connection with God.
Perhaps here lies the key to understanding the rabbis' mysterious view that Shavuot was a marriage to the Torah itself. Viewing Shavuot as a wedding between the Jewish people and God represents the passionate highs of relationship when contracts seem like an afterthought. That’s the romantic side of Shavuot.
But when the dust settles and the Hollywood lights are dimmed, we need another model to relate to in order to keep our relationships strong. The view that sees Shavuot as the celebration of the marriage between the Jewish people and the Torah represents an emphasis on the contractual elements of the relationship with God. Although utilitarian at first glance, these mundane elements of relationships are just as important as the moments of spontaneous romantic bliss.
Shavuot not only teaches us how to improve our relationship with God, but offers a roadmap as to enhance our relationship with our partners as well.
Brilliant. Every Shabbos we celebrate this wedding relationship between our Jewish people and Hashem. “Lecha Dodi” the bride of Shabbos ! Thank you for this beautiful teaching article.
Thank you so much for this beautifully expressed connection! What an amazing way to view marriage & a glimpse of deeper insight to our relationship potential with our Creator. Just beautiful!
GREAT!