Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
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This Yom Kippur, say it like you mean it.
Yom Kippur is all about teshuva, letting go of your past mistakes and committing to a better future. When it comes to rectifying the hurt you’ve caused others, it’s essential to ask for forgiveness from the people you’ve wronged.
Here are some of the most common mistakes people make when they apologize and how to make amends the right way.
The Non-Apology Apology. If your response to doing something wrong is to not actually say the words “I’m sorry” or their equivalent, you didn’t really apologize. Pointing out that you did something that upset people isn’t an apology. Own your mistake and apologize with no equivocation.
The Blame Apology. “I’m sorry you were offended.” That’s a passive-aggressive way of saying you don’t really think you did anything wrong, you just want people to stop telling you that you did. Don’t do this!
The Joking Defense. There are jokes, and there are whatever is not that. Sometimes, people hide behind the claim that they were joking — they say something hurtful and then come back, “I was only joking!” Even if it was a joke, jokes can hurt. But sometimes, it’s pretty obvious you meant every word. Drop your defense and say you’re sorry.
The Monetized Apology. The YouTube video is captioned “I did a terrible thing…” and an ad plays before. The apologetic YouTuber is making money on every click. Don’t apologize in a way that makes it clear you’re just doing it for your own benefit. The more public and self-congratulatory the apology, the more obvious you’re in it for yourself.
The This-Hurt-Me-More-Than-You Apology. Apologies are meant to acknowledge and understand the pain others have felt. Don’t say “You have no idea how painful this is/was for me.” If you spend the whole apology focusing on what you went through and how much pain you felt, the person you’re apologizing to will quickly realize you weren’t thinking about them at all.
The Wasn’t-Me Blame. There’s always an excuse. It doesn’t matter what you did — if you did something wrong, you could probably find something to blame it on. Too tired, hungry, stressed. You took a pill, you got up late, you were just in a fight with someone else. Snickers may say you’re not you when you’re hungry, but your actions are always yours. Own up to it if you want your apology to mean something.
The Double Down. So, you did something wrong. It happens. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has those days. But if you do something bad (e.g. taking someone’s lunch without permission) don’t follow it up by doing something worse (e.g. stealing their refrigerator). Repeating your mistakes shows your apology was insincere. Making worse mistakes, even more so.
Before Yom Kippur, try to think of at least one person you’ve hurt in some way. Even if it was small, try to apologize the right way. Think about what your actions or words meant to the other person. Make them feel understood. And be willing to let go of your excuses and your ego. Say you’re sorry to one person — you won’t regret it.
In his book and video series 'Ten Dumb Mistakes that very Smart Couple Make', Rabbi Bentzion Schafier notes that most -- if not all -- arguments are not centered on a particular matter, but rather, that each side wants to be heard, recognized and cherished. It's much more than just the topic at hand.
So I guess apology that to be along those lines too - as in the article, a sincere apology to the person.
What a great piece, BRAVO ! I will forward the link to a number of people.
For me personally, the choice of words, either for an apology, or to congratulate, in general the way a person picks up the words and how are these words put in a sentence, shows really how one thinks about the person addressed to.
What about “ I hope you aren’t upset at me for…”
That obviously happened to me.
I never realized how difficult it is to say “I’m sorry” and take the blame for the thoughtless words, or doing something that hurt someone else.
But, your article was an eye opener.